Awoke early to a glorious sunny morning. I showered and the water was barely a trickle. Apparently, this going to be fixed today. Breakfast in my room then down to Pi Lek’s for morning coffee. Returned to my room to respond to my emails and transfer money to International House for my CELTA course next month.

Early and delicious lunch at the Italian restaurant. I had bruschetta as a starter then spaghetti with a simple but good pesto sauce. Penne, the owner, told me that she is selling up and going to concentrate on her organic farm in Kao Pronom.

After lunch I took the motorbike to Ao Nang. This was the first hot day I’d experienced this time in Thailand and it was wonderful to feel the heat soaking into my body. After all the rain, the tropical vegetation looked incredibly lush, the vivid green standing out against the blue sky. When I got to the coast, I found the tide in and the bay was just amazing.

I went for a delicious swim and lazed about in the water, looking up at the towering cliffs. I got out and applied sun cream as the early afternoon sun was probably dangerously strong. As I couldn’t really do my own back properly, I asked a nearby buxom German girl to put sun cream on for me. I felt really corny as if I was trying to pull off the oldest beach chat up line in the world.

She seem a little startled but proceeded apply sun cream with a surprising sensuality. She went on massaging and stroking my back for ages after the cream was rubbed in. However, I didn’t try any conversation while she massaged my love handles and all sorts of other places I could have easily reached myself. Which was probably just as well because not long after, a big burly man - presumably her boyfriend arrived and lay down next to her. They didn't appear to be ostentatiously talking to each other...but I could pretty much guess their whispered conversation....

"You never guess what happened!"

"What?"

"See that skinny foreign man over there? The one with the tight Speedo shorts?"

"Yeah, why? What about him?"

"Well, just now before you came, he asked me to rub sun cream into his bottom!"

"Really?! Do you think he is gay?"

"I'm not sure but I should think he definitely swings both ways!"

"Interesting. Do you think we should invite him back to our room? We still haven't properly tried out that bondage kit I gave me for your birthday..."

"Hmmm. He doesn't look very strong. He's very thin.  I'm not so sure."

"That could be fun! Let's bring him back anyway..."

If the tropical sun hadn't been so hot, I would have broken out into a cold sweat.  As it was already 30 degrees plus, I was sweating anyway.  I decided to go in for a swim and perhaps slip quietly away without the dangerous couple noticing. 

The German couple pretended not to notice me as I walked down to the water...but I could feel their eyes watching me beadily behind my back.  After twenty minutes in the water I felt calmer.  Perhaps they weren't going to kidnap and sexually assault me after all.  I got on my motorbike and went to Starbucks to try a Soya Caramel latte. Twas very goodly indeed. It was late afternoon before I headed back to town and watched the sunset from the balcony of my apartment. Then I tried the shower. Bliss! It was gushing out like the waterfall I visited yesterday.

I felt very relaxed. I thought of P and my relationship problems. I thought of my narrow escape from the German couple.  The world was a strange place, I reflected, full of unexpected surprises.  I decided that I’d had enough of being ‘Ben style’. From now on, I would always be straight with myself and everyone. The Reader might snigger at this but good intentions are not that difficult to make...its the keeping them that is the tricky bit.  My virtuous intentions made, I headed to the night market by the river to get a cheap, Thai meal of veg and tofu over rice with banana shake and Thai old fashioned style tea.

After a while, Big Steve got up and left.  He had not gone five minutes before Karen came past again.  I chuckled to myself.  It was like a sitcom here at the market.

"I just been speaking to your friend," I told her.

"My friend? You mean Somchai?"

"No, I mean your Aussie lodger."

Her face changed.  "Oh my god! You mean Big Steve? Where is he?"

"He went off that way about five minutes ago."

"God, what weirdo that guy is. Can you believe that he had a fight with his Thai wife and asked to stay at mine for a couple of days.  I mean, why not get a hotel? You can get a room by the morning market for three hundred baht.  Anyway, I said yes and can you believe that he ended up staying over a month?!  I mean, he never offered to help with the rent and he is so filthy.  He used to wear that vest of his for over a week in this climate...disgusting!  He absolutely stank.  And then he started making rude suggestions about us having sex and I was like, no way am I gonna have sex with a skanky person like that.  And he used to just live in my front room.  Really annoying.  Anyway..." Karen laughed wickedly.  "I used to bring my boyfriend back and then later his brother of course and we used to have really loud sex in my bedroom while he was taking over the whole of my sofa in the living room.  That used to make him really mad!"

"Bitch," I said and she laughed again.

"Yeah and he was always going on about all the big guys he knew in Krabi town.  Like, whatever.  When I was growing up in London, some of the people at school used to go on about how they knew some of the top guys in the Firm...but Krabi town? Cmon."

Thai coconut vegetable curry

Was it tasty? Oh yes!

Coconut curry

A tall and slim Chinese girl with long black hair in a ponytail, deathly white skin and a harassed expression came hurrying up to my table with a steaming tray.

"Hello? You order coconut curry with lice?"

"Yes, that's right."

She smiled with relief and put the curry and rice down on the table.  It smelt delicious.

"So sorry for the delay.  Enjoy your meal." 

And she hurried away.

Big Steve looked after and pursed his lips appreciatively.

"Now that's what I call a woman. Polite, well mannered, gorgeous looking but not flaunting it.  Not like my Isaan wife...well, I should say my ex-wife...who is an unbelievably lazy and money grabbing bitch.  Not like these slutty English girl who are your best friend one day and then turn on you like a poisonous snake the next! Oh no.  I've always liked Chinese girls.  They've got class, that's what they got.  They got class."

The Trouble with English Girls

I finished my coconut but there was still no sign of the curry I had ordered.  I set about scraping the flesh from the inside of the coconut with the metal spoon.  One of the main attractions of eating at a Thai night market is watching the bustle of all the people.  They are so diverse.  At the table next to me were five old school backpackers complete with dreadlocks and beads.  They were drinking big bottles of Leo beer - which is popular in Thailand because it is the cheapest but has a bad reputation of giving you a killer hangover due to the chemicals in it.  They were swapping stories of places they had visited in south east Asia and cheap ways to travel and save money.   At another table nearby were the more modern backpackers - young boys and girls on their gap year, sporting trendy hair styles, tatoos and piercings.  Most were engaged in searching anxiously on their smartphones for a wifi signal. 

A big shaven headed man with a big beer belly in a Chang beer vest, shorts and flip-flops wandered unhurriedly past.  His name was Big Steve. I had met him once last year with Karen at a street concert.  He glanced at the young backpackers and then spotted me.  His face broke into a grin and he came over to my table.

"Why hello mate!" he said in his Aussie accent and thrust out a big hand.  "How long you been back for?"

"Just got here four days ago," I said shaking his hand and he sat down in the flimsy plastic chair opposite me.  

"Good to see you mate.  Good to see you.  How's life treating you? You still seeing that teacher from the school?"

"No, she went and got married," I said and he laughed.

"They don't hang around, do they!" His face grew suddenly serious.  "Tell you what, you haven't seen your friend Karen, have you?"

"Yeah, she was here ten minutes ago.  Why?"

He snorted and laid his big forearms on the table.  "Because she's a dirty, poisonous, fucking slut, that's why!  I mean, I know you're English and I don't wanna talk bad about pommie girls to you but I'm telling you something, that girl is evil!  Me and the wife had a bit of punch up and to cut a long story short, I was booted out and so I asked Karen if I could stay at her house for a couple of days.  I mean, I used to like the girl.  I thought she was sound.  Well, do you know what?"

He leaned forward and held his eyes open with his fingers and stared at me.

"My eyes have been opened, that's what! Oh yes! Do you know during the time I was staying there, there was a constant stream of dirty bar boys that she was fucking coming and going at all hours! And  there was me sleeping on the sofa.  Mind you, she laid it out for me a few times.  I mean, she was all there if I wanted to but, do you know what? I got standards, I have.  I got standards.  I wasn't gonna touch here with a barge pole.  And even worse, can you believe that that fucking toe rag of her boyfriend stole three hundred baht from me.  Stole it from my wallet while I slept.  I mean, I knew it was him alright and when I fronted him about it he had the bloody cheek to deny it.  And I said to him, 'you don't wanna get on the wrong fucking side of me'.  Cause I know some real hard guys here in Krabi who would make his life extremely unpleasant if I gave them the nudge.  I mean, I could have sorted him out myself but it's more effective if he knows the sort of guys I'm talking about.  Some of those guys are guys you wouldn't wanna cross if you wanna keep your balls.  Oh no.  And as for that bitch Karen, you won't believe what she done! I come back from the market one day...and all my stuff is thrown outside and door is locked.  And when I bang on the door, the little brother of her fellow...she's shagging him now...he comes to the window and says she's not in but she wants me to fuck off.  Unbelievable!"

Big Steve shook his head in disbelief at the wickedness of women and drummed his fingers on the table.  

"You know what? The trouble with these English girls is that they have no shame.  Not even this fucking much."

 And he held up a big thumb and forefinger.

Krabi life

Went to have dinner at the night market by the river.  This is a great place to enjoy local street food at local prices.  The only disadvantage is that, due to its popularity with tourists and locals, it can sometimes takes ages for your order to arrive.  However, it is a great place to watch the world go by and the market vendors are usually quick to get you your drink anyway.  Looking around at my fellow diners, it seemed that big bottles of Chang beer and fresh green coconuts were the favourite choice of beverage. 

I ordered my food and then sat back patiently.  My chilled coconut arrived almost immediately.  No doubt my readers are aware of the amazing properties fresh coconut juice is supposed to have.  They will keep you young well after your sell by date and will prevent most diseases as well as curing them.  The Thais, however, give a word of warning about over consumption.  The liquid is apparently to be full of the female sex hormone estrogen so drinking too much of that will make a man more feminine.  I, however, was too much an Epicurean to be put off so easily.  No doubt my Thai lady friends would say I was already there anyway.  The most important thing was that it tasted absolutely delicious and when you finish the liquid you can scope out the sweet tender flesh with the spoon they provide.  According to the Thais, the flesh is full of the male sex hormone testosterone so I ought to be nicely balanced by the time I finish my coconut.

Anyway, I was sitting enjoying my mixed sexed coconut when Karen stopped by on her moped.  She wasn't wearing her helmet as it was after 5 o'clock and all the police would have gone home.  She was wearing a tiny pair of black shorts and a tight white vest top and seemed pleased with herself.

"I dumped my boyfriend and switched to his younger brother," she told me.  "He is really hot! He's soooo skinny. When he's lying on top of me I can feel his ribs digging into me....it's great! He's very selfish in bed though...I mean he's always wanting blow jobs off me but never goes down on me in return.  So now I force him to! Haha! Anyway, gotta go."

She started the engine of her moped and drove off again down the road.

Relax Coffee and Restaurant, Krabi

An English girl's problems with Thai boys...

B woke early and went off to work.  It was a beautiful day so I decided not to waste it.  I showered, did my morning exercises and then headed off on my motorbike to Relax Cafe for breakfast.  If you ever find yourself in Krabi town then you must breakfast at Relax! The coffee, sourced from the north of Thailand, is simply the best in town.  And the breakfast is pretty good too.  There is a massive choice from full English breakfast to Thai rice porridge.  There is a veggie option for pretty much everything, soya milk options and quick, efficient, friendly staff.  I really can't recommend it enough.  If any of you readers out there end up going to Relax then please drop me a line and I will show your messages to the owner... and hopefully get free breakfasts for life:)

Anyway, coming back to my story, I demolished a big breakfast and ordered another Americano.  It was hot, black and strong...just the way I like it.  I had an outside table and was in no hurry so I sipped appreciatively at my coffee and watched the world go by.  The temperature was still pleasantly cool in the shade although the tropical sun was gaining strength by the minute.  I felt happy and contented...which was hardly surprising really.  I suppose it sounds very shallow but sex and food really are and have been the two great pleasures in my life.  Those two combined with a lack of responsibility, of course.

A skinny girl wearing tiny denim shorts and flip-flops on a scooter drew up and parked on the opposite side of the road.  As she took off her helmet, I recognised her as Karen, an English girl I had taught with with at Khao Pranom school last year.  She was from south London and, unusually for this part of Thailand, was a properly qualified teacher.  She could have been earning £30,000 back home but instead she was on 30,000 baht (£600) per month here.  Her face broke into a smile when she spotted me.

"Hey Benny boy! When did you get here? Is there anyone sitting here or are you with a friend?"

"No, no.  Sit down," I said.  " I got here three days ago.  How are you?"

"Yeah, not bad.  I'm not teaching a Khao Pranom anymore.  I had a big argument with Ajarn Prem...silly bitch! I can't believe that she was lying to the other teachers about me behind my back!  She was spreading rumours that I was shagging Mr Chokchai! Can you believe that?!"

She picked up the menu.  "Hmmm.  Now what shall I have? I really fancy a full English but I really need to lose weight.  I'm not skinny enough.  I want to be able to see my ribs when I'm not sucking my tummy in, see?"

She pulled up her t-shirt and displayed her skinny torso and the obligatory belly piercing to me.

"Hmmm," I said.  "Looks like you could do with putting on weight to me."

She uncrossed and then recrossed her long legs.  "No, I wanna be skinnier than this.  I wanna be as skinny as my boyfriend then when I hug him in bed I can feel our bones grating against each other. Anyway, how's your love life?"

"Not bad...bit quite.  How's yours?"

"Hang on, I just gonna order."

She went inside to the counter and then came back again.

"So yeah, my love life.  Well I'm a bit pissed off with my boyfriend at the moment.  You know, he works at the Foo Bar and he's an arsehole basically.  He keeps lying to me and stealing my money.  And he's crap in bed."

"Sounds perfect.  How old is he?"

"19."

"You child molester! How old are you? 26?"

"No, 25.  Gosh I really wish I was 18!  Anyway, I really fancy his younger brother.  He's 17 and even skinnier than my boyfriend.  That's why I'm trying to lose weight so that I can seduce his younger brother!"

The sexual obsessions of a 30s TEFL teacher

Woke up early again. Weather was still perfect. In fact, it wasn’t far off a perfect English summer in Cornwall. It was warm but there was still a pleasant coolness underlying it all.

After I had showered and meditated and was contemplating the pleasant day ahead, the realisation suddenly struck me that this very moment that we are in is of vital importance as it affects what will follow. If one is to have a good life and future then one shouldn’t entertain a single negative thought of any kind as this will lead onto other negatively related thoughts and experiences. Positive thinking is so important.

I ate a good breakfast at Relax Coffee and met Jim from England who lives here half of the year. After a chat over a leisurely coffee, I headed off to swim at Ao Nang. It was glorious there….lovely cool, green water….soaking up the head of the morning sun between swims under the swaying palms…magic.

I came back to have lunch at the Jai shop and had an excellent lunch for all of 35 baht! Then I returned to my apartment for a shower and siesta. I slept for what seemed like ages but was actually only an hour. Then I arose, showered again and thought about an afternoon coffee. Then it started to pour with rain. Not wanting to waste time, I wrote my diary. It’s been a pretty good day, I reflected. All I need to complete it is to have a good rampant session tonight. The Gentle Reader shall find out if I got it later.

Now, as I look out of the window, I see that the rain has stopped and the sky looks bright. Bearing in mind what I wrote in the second paragraph of today’s entry, I shall sally forth with positive thoughts in the present moment…and who knows what delightful experiences I shall have when I go out! I shall report back to the Gentle Reader later this evening…

Gentle Reader, I have returned from sallying forth. I went first to buy chocolate brownies from Maharat Bakery which is run by a Dutch man. Then I went to share the delicious delicacies with Pim at the massage and tour shop. She gave me fresh coffee to go with the brownies but did not take any herself as she was afraid of getting fat. Between you and me, she already was halfway there but didn’t look bad for it.

Some girls are meant to be large and buxom. Nothing wrong with that.

I spent a pleasant hour chatting with her and then went for a run in the park by the river. It was beautiful with the scent of nutmeg trees in my nostrils and the golden light of the setting sun. I ran once around the entire park and then spent some time on the various exercise bars and contraptions that Thais are so good at providing in their parks.

I returned home to shower. How nice it was to have a full pressure hot shower! It is the little things in life that seem to make all the difference. While I was revelling in thus cleansing myself, P rang.

“Where are you, Pi Ben?”

“In the shower.”

“Hurry up. I want to take you to meet my grandparents.”

Well, it still wasn’t the most exciting invite in the world but it was at least a step in the right direction after the funeral of last night. I dressed and went to meet her father’s parents. They were both Chinese, her grandfather had emigrated from China when he was young and still couldn’t speak Thai very well. He was in his eighties and she was a year older than my father at 74. They were both lovely with a certain charm that some old Chinese people have. I liked them very much.

After some talk, we went off to have dinner at the market. P told me that her father had asked her mother when I was going to ask him for P’s hand in marriage. P assured me that the idea made her sick. She then explained all what would be expected….a big wedding, lots of relations, traditional ceremonies etc. I asked if her father would mind a register office wedding like in England and she told me that all her relatives and friends would be angry. I started to feel rather depressed at the mere thought of it. P then told me that her body ached and she was going to take some medicine and go to sleep.

I realised that, much as I liked her, I really was going to have to look elsewhere if I wanted sex. She just wasn’t interested anymore. But she still obviously wanted to marry me. Why? Just to have kids to please her parents, probably. Then there would definitely be no more sex after that. She told me that if we had children, she would send them to England with me and she would stay here in Thailand and work. And find a kik, she added with a laugh.

Needless to say, I didn’t find her humour in very good taste. A girl simply shouldn’t joke about taking another lover when she isn’t fully looking after her current one.

And yet it had been so different when we first met, I remembered wistfully. Then, she had been a little nympho. A sweet faced little nympho who was fantastic in bed and never argued. Asian women are so good at spoiling a man when they feel inclined to. So when they go off the idea, it can be a traumatic experience.

I bade her goodnight and headed back to my apartment. A heady idea was forming in my fevered brain. Last year when I was here, I’d met B, a Thai woman who was pretty much in the same predicament as I was. She was same age as me, had a great figure and was fantastic in bed. I remembered how she had asked me if I could cum in her mouth because swallowing semen was 'good for her complexion'. She was very ‘Thai style’, had a sexy husky little girl voice and was probably the best unemotionally attached shag I’d ever had. I got all hot and bothered just thinking about her. And I still had her number.

Now, I’d purposely refrained from calling her when I arrived in Krabi. I was in love with P and I had no intention of having more than one girl on the go and all the trouble that came with it. But now the situation was desperate and my lack of sex was starting to affect my relationship with P. Whatever she said or did just seemed to bring the frustrating fact back to me that she didn’t seem interested in having sex with me anymore. As my Gentle Readers who belong to the male sex will know, there is nothing more disheartening, depressing, maddening thing than to have the girl you have strong affection for to do this to you. You spend your time alternatively remembering the good old days when time together was a happy, intimate tiredness between bouts of joyous lovemaking and brooding jealousy. Who is she seeing behind your back? Who is she shagging instead of you?

Anyway, coming back to B. With trembling fingers and thumping heart, I dug out her number and dialled. I found myself thinking that it was ridiculous for a 34 year old man of the world to be feeling like a pubescent teenager but I couldn’t help it.

There was still no sound from the phone. I took it from my ear and looked at the screen. The call had cut out. I tried again. Still nothing. The number must no longer be available.

Feverishly, I checked out her contact details and found an alternative number. I dialled it and it rang! I waited with bated breath. I guess it’s crazy really how

important sex seems to a man who isn’t getting it.

There was no answer. After a while I hung up. I felt calmer now. Perhaps it was just as well. Perhaps I should just be resigned to a married life of celibacy…

I settled back on the bed and switched on the TV. I felt calmer now. It was a warm evening and I don't like to use air conditioning unless I really have to so I was naked. I propped myself up on the pillows and flicked through the channels. There were over 60 of them but there was nothing particularly interesting on. I decided to go to sleep.

Suddenly, my phone rang. My heart started thumping again when I saw that it was B calling me back. I pressed the answer button.

"P Ben!" said B's little girl voice. "Where are you? Are you in Krabi?"

"Yes, yes! Where are you?"

"I'm at home. You not sleeping yet? Are you alone?"

"Yes, I'm alone. Just watching TV." I was getting a hard-on just talking to her.

"Can I come and see you? Are you at the same apartment as last time?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Ok, see you in 20 minutes na."

Exactly twenty minutes later there was a soft knock at my door and B came in, her long glossy hair smelling of perfume, her firm buxom body warm against mine...

More problems with Thai girls

December 2010. (Okay, okay I know this post is 2 years older than the previous one but I just found it and as it relates to the thorny issue of the Problem with Thai Girls, I figured that it belongs here.

Awoke early to a glorious sunny morning.  P came to my room not long after I got up but did not respond well to my advances.  Instead she bit me and gave me a love bite on my neck as well just to spite me so that other girls would think that I already had a girlfriend.  It is a hopeless situation.  I have neither the freedom of being single nor the sexual advantages of being in a normal relationship.  Today I must finish this silly ‘relationship’ or I shall go mad.

I showered and the water was barely a trickle.  Apparently, this going to be fixed today.  Breakfast in my room then down to Pi Lek’s for morning coffee.  Returned to my room to respond to my emails and transfer money to International House for my CELTA course next month.

Early and delicious lunch at the Italian restaurant.  I had bruschetta as a starter then spaghetti with a simple but good pesto sauce.  Penne, the owner, told me that she is selling up and going to concentrate on her organic farm in Kao Pronom.

After lunch I took the motorbike to Ao Nang.  This was the first hot day I’d experienced this time in Thailand and it was wonderful to feel the heat soaking into my body.  After all the rain, the tropical vegetation looked incredibly lush, the vivid green standing out against the blue sky.  When I got to the coast, I found the tide in and the bay was just amazing.

I went for a delicious swim and lazed about in the water, looking up at the towering cliffs.  I got out and applied sun cream as the early afternoon sun was probably dangerously strong.  As I couldn’t really do my own back properly, I asked a nearby buxom German girl to put sun cream on for me.  I felt really corny as if I was trying to pull off the oldest beach chat up line in the world. 

She seem a little startled but proceeded apply sun cream with a surprising sensuality.  She went on massaging and stroking my back for ages after the cream was rubbed in.  However, I didn’t try any conversation while she massaged my love handles and all sorts of other places I could have easily reached myself.  Which was probably just as well because not long after, her boyfriend (I presume) arrived and lay down next to her.  I have no idea if she told him about me or not but I congratulated myself upon maintaining my usual reserve.

 A couple of swims and a good soaking in the sun later, I headed to Starbucks to try a Soya Caramel latte.  Twas very goodly indeed.  It was late afternoon before I headed back to town and watched the sunset from the balcony of my apartment.  Then I tried the shower.  Bliss! It was gushing out like the waterfall I visited yesterday. 

I felt very relaxed.  I thought of P and my relationship problems.  I decided that I’d had enough of being ‘Thai style’.  From now on, I would always be straight with myself and everyone. Then I headed to the night market by the river to get a cheap, Thai meal of veg and tofu over rice with banana shake and Thai old fashioned style tea.

It was fairly quiet at the market.  It was a lovely balmy evening.  The temperature was perfect.  I sat and ate in a leisurely, contented silence.  Suddenly P appeared out of nowhere and sat down opposite me.  She was looking very pretty.

“Would you like to go to a funeral?” she asked me.

“Whose funeral? Yours?”

She laughed.  “No, one of the very old neighbours has just died. I’m going with my mother and I don’t know who else to ask.”

Well, to be honest, the idea didn’t fill me with the greatest enthusiasm.  I’d heard better invites in my time.  If she’d invited me back to my room to have a night of sex, yes!  Or even a quickie.  But a Thai funeral….

The gentle Reader can doubt discern that my obsession with sex was never far from my mind.  You wouldn’t need a degree in psychology to work that one out.

“Well….erm….hmmmm,” I said.  “Would you like anything to eat?”

“No, I’ve already eaten.  I’ve been thinking that I should finish with you,” she added.  “Maybe finish today.”

I mulled this over.  It was what I’d been thinking about most of the day and now she was going to make it easy for me.  Strangely enough, this didn’t fill me with the enthusiasm that I thought it would have.  After all, I could have brought all sorts of girls back to my room without waiting for that dreaded knock on the door at a compromising moment that all men who have more than one lady friend on the go fears.  Instead I felt rather depressed.

“Ok, let’s go to the funeral,” I said.

We headed off.  But as soon as we left the brightly lit market, I noticed that my motorbike headlight wasn’t working.  I breathed a sigh of relief.

“I must get this fixed,” I told her.  “I’ll catch up with you at the funeral later.”

Amazingly, at 8pm, there was still a garage open.  The boy working there grinned cheerfully at me and said something about me going home for a long time.  He soon fixed the light, charged me 50 baht and I was off in the direction of the funeral again.

As I wasn’t quite sure where it was, I rang P.  Another stroke of luck.  She didn’t pick up.  I decided to call it a day and went home.  No sooner had I arrived then she rang me.

“Where are you, Ben?”

“I’ve just got home.”

“Ok, I’ll come and see you.”

Two minutes later, there was a knock on my door and P came in looking radiantly beautiful.  I felt a sudden rush of lust and love for her.  I realised then that I couldn’t finish with her as planned.  My love life had just got complicated again. 

I told her how beautiful she was and gathered her into my arms.  She allowed herself to be gathered and even offered her soft full lips for a kiss.  Things progressed very nicely and I was just working up to jumping her when her phone rang.  It was her dad asking to speak to her mum.

“I’ve got to return to the funeral,” said P picking up her jacket and heading for the door

She kissed me quickly and left.  Gloomily, I sat down on the bed and sighed

“Whatever, you do,” I said, “Never have a traditional Thai/Chinese girlfriend who still lives with her parents….it just isn’t worth it.”

The contented sensualist

“I could not refrain from examining myself and finding that I was happy.  In perfect health and in the prime of life, with no duties, with no need to look ahead, amply provided with money, dependent upon no one, lucky at cards, and favourably received by the women who interested me, I had every justification for saying to myself: Saute, Marquis!” (Casanova, G, circa 1762)

Things start to look up

Two beaches down the island, I checked in at Tubtim resort. Here for 700 baht, I got a lovely, teak bungalow overlooking the beach in front and the hills to the left. It was spotlessly clean, had crisp cotton sheets on the big bed and had its own bathroom – although there was no sign of any spiders.

Incredibly, there was a big swell coming in off the ocean. In eight years of coming to Thailand, I’ve never seen decent sized waves but today it was breaking chest height with four foot sets. It was fantastic to bodysurf in such warm water. Unfortunately, I underestimated the power of a shorebreaker wave and got dumped and then dragged on the sand by the force of the water. To make matters worse, there were bits of loose coral there as well. When I got up, my stomach was bleeding and my ears were full of sand. This was the first time I’d suffered an injury through bodysurfing…and in Thailand of all places. I’d bodysurfed since I was a teenager in Cornwall and Australia without any mishap.

In the evening, my friend Bee came from Bangkok to stay with me. She took the speedboat from the mainland but the boat driver did not dare to land on the beach because of the waves. I could have told him that it was perfectly safe to drive in with the waves and then turn and face them in the shallow water but Thai boatmen are not used to waves. The speedboat had to go all the way back to the main island pier which was three or four bays away.

When Bee finally arrived at Tubtim resort, it was dark. I went to meet her as she got down from the pick up trunk taxi. Bee was half Chinese with white skin and long black hair down to her waist. Her figure was full or what the Thais call oarp and what I would call curvy. We went to eat dinner and she told me that Koh Samet was famous as the place where “you were sure to set”. In other words, if you managed to persuade a girl to go to Koh Samet with you then would be sure to “close the deal” or seduce her there.

I laughed when I heard this and told her how when I first came to Thailand, I’d fallen in love with a distant cousin of mine called Noi. I’d asked her to come to Samet with me and, after first making my promise that I wouldn’t tell her grandmother, she agreed.

We stayed together in a little seaside bungalow and slept fully clothed next to each other on a bed. But nothing happened. Bee laughed at my story.

“Noi must have thought you were really stupid,” she said. “All you had to do was to grab her. She was just pretending to be a 'good girl'.  Thai girls always do that.  Any girl who agrees to come alone to Koh Samet with a man is up for it for sure.”

Bee was quite right. After dinner we went for a romantic stroll along the beach in the moonlight and then returned to our bungalow to test her theory.  We spent a pleasant three days living my philosophy of Simplicity and Pleasure” to the max. The food was simple, good and plentiful. The sex was simple, good and plentiful. The bed entered into the spirit of the thing and creaked enthusiastically all night long. The waves murmured gently on the white sands outside. The gentle breeze sighed through the palm trees and wafted the scent of jasmine through the mosquito screens. Bee’s philosophy was always to try and improve herself. This time she wanted to perfect her oral techniques and I was quite happy to indulge her. It was a pleasant few days and when I look back at those days - no doubt through a rosy mist of nostalgia - I realise that simplicity really is the only way to live ones life.

Back in Bangkok

1 January 2012, Bangkok, Thailand.

New years day and I back in Thailand, taking a well earned break after 11 months of teaching in Plymouth.  I arose early before seven since my brother had invited me to give alms to the monks in Soi Wat Kairk, Silom in the business district of Bangkok.  After getting dressed, I rang him but there was no reply. I went and knocked on his door but still no reply. I decided to go alone.

It was already very warm when I left the apartment. The streets were quiet with very little traffic but when I got to Soi Wat Kairk, it was full of noise, people and the air was thick with smoke from the street vendor’s charcoal burners. Everyone wanted to make merit on New Years day.

I bought some oranges and gave them to an old monk. I took my feet out of my flip flops, put my hands together and listened to his chanting and then walked home.

I showered, did my morning exercises, meditated for a short while and then rang my brother again. I was hungry now and wanted my breakfast. 

Still no answer. What had happened to his plan of starting the New Year by getting up early and making merit? Like many a great man before me, I decided that if breakfast wouldn’t come to me then I must go to find breakfast.

Purposely, with stomach growling, I ventured out in the streets again. I remembered haven seen a rather nice looking Thai coffee shop called Wavee Coffee in Surawong Road.  Perhaps a small cup of freshly ground coffee the way I liked it…hot, black and strong enough to float a horseshoe in it with a freshly made croissant… As my Gentle Reader may recall, I am a man of simple pleasures and tastes… 

I found the place. The closed sign on the door said that it would open at 9.00 as this was a public holiday. I checked my phone. It was 9.15. A walkway around the side of the shop led to a very pleasant, leafy garden and also a side entrance to the shop. I peered inside the glass door and saw a young Thai man doing something behind the counter. I pushed open the door and went in. It was dark and cool inside with the delicious smell of fresh coffee and cakes. I love coffee shops. The young man looked up and smiled. A young woman appeared out of nowhere and smiled too. I smiled back of them. It was a smiley sort of moment.

“Are you open yet?”

“Yes, open. But coffee machine broken so no coffee. You can have cocoa and

something from the bakery.”

“Do you have croissants?”

“Croissants? No, not have croissants.”

Reluctantly, I decided to look for a Starbucks. It would have been so nice to have eaten breakfast in that shady, leafy garden.

I eventually found a Starbucks and it had everything necessary for a decent breakfast.  I read the Nation which is one of Thailand’s two serious English broadsheet newspapers. The editorial expressed the wish that the guardian spirits residing in the Kingdom of Thailand might grant everyone a happy and prosperous new year to come. I wonder what people would make of the Times if they printed that…

At about eleven, I got a call from my brother. He’d just woken up. I returned to my room and checked out. I decided that there was no more point in staying in Bangkok.  I would go to Koh Samet, a small tropical island not far from Bangkok for a few days instead. After a four hour journey via skytrain and bus, I arrived at Ban Phe where I could take a boat to the island. I arrived at the island about 5.30 but we had to wait a long time to dock at the pier because there were already six or seven big boats, each carrying hundreds of people, waiting to land.  I started to realise that going to a popular holiday island on New Years Day probably wasn't the best idea.

At last it was our boats turn. We had to walk across a rather dodgy plank of wood to get to the land. I decided to just get a cheap room and then look for a better place in the morning. Alas, everywhere was full. On and on I walked into the hot, gathering dusk, my rucksack heavy upon my sweaty shoulders. 

Everyplace I asked, the answer was the same. Full.  At last I came to a place where the young girl at the counter – she couldn’t have been more than fourteen – tells me that they have one room left at 600 baht. Brilliant, I’ll take it, says I. She takes my money plus a 500 baht deposit and then leads me into the trees. Further and further into the dark and threatening jungle we go and I’m treading uneasily through the dry leaves in my flip flops. Thailand is home to all kinds of venomous snakes who don’t take kindly to being trodden on.

At last we come to an ugly, run down little room of concrete and corrugated iron. The shared “bathroom” is in a separate hut and consists of a large oil drum filled with none too clean water and a small plastic bowl to act as a scoop. The toilet is of the squat, non flushing variety.  The girl unlocks the rusty padlock of the door of my room and then gives me the key. 

"Here your room," she says and then leaves me.

The door creaks open and I enter the hut. A florescent tube flares as I hit the light switch illuminating an old double mattress standing against the wall behind the single bed. The orange sheets are synthetic and are adored with red hearts and white writing across the top and bottom.

Treat for two... time for a lick… turn for a lick…treat for a lick…

Opposite the bed is a cupboard. I think to put my rucksack in there so that it is out of sight. I open the door. It is full of old blankets, bits of plastic, an iron and all sorts of odds and ends. But the thing that catches my eye is a large black spider, bigger than my hand, who crouches motionless, glaring at me out of green eyes. Carefully, I shut the door again.

“If you don’t disturb me then I won’t disturb you,” I tell him.

 I hope rather than expect that a Thai spider living in a cupboard in the middle of the jungle will understand English better than Thai humans who work in the tourist trade.

The next day is decidedly better. After spending a sweaty night on the cheap sheets, I go to take breakfast. The filter coffee is hot, black and strong. The baked beans on toast are typically only lukewarm but they do the job. I return to my room to pack my rucksack.

A group of Thais are sitting around a concrete table at the bungalow next door. They are drinking Regency whiskey and eating som dum. The cheerful beat of the north east comes from a battered stereo. Everyone seems very happy. One of them hails me.

“Come! Come have a drink with us! It’s good luck for new year!”

He pours the Regency neat into a plastic beaker. I take a polite sip and wish them chok dee. The fiery liquid burns its way down my throat I walk away through the trees, my back already sweaty under my rucksack. I wonder if the spider will miss me.

Guilty rabbits caught in headlights

No doubt the Reader will note that life in my blog goes backwards.  This is partly due to the fact that I am 3 years behind and also due to the fact I always used to read books backwards so that I wouldn't get any unpleasant surprises at the end.  If I start the book knowing that the hero is going to live happily ever after then I don't have to waste too much sympathy on him when things get a bit tough in the middle of the book.  Anyway, I'm still not sure if its the best way to update my blog but if you have any strong feelings either way then please do let me know.

Went to say goodbye to G today. Thai New Year at Eggbuckland was a rather dismal affair with lots of Thai ex bargirls with rather sleazy looking western men.  Maybe they thought the same when they saw me.  Who knows? Still, I have happy memories of G.  We had had so much fun together.  One time that sticks in my memory was when we were getting frisky in my car one dark spring evening when a middle aged couple walked past. We assumed that as long as we stayed quiet and didn’t move then there would be no reason for them to see us. However, we were wrong.

“Ooooh! Look at that lovely little sports car!” exclaimed the woman and shone her torch on it.  My MK1 MX5 being a true hairdresser's car as well as a true sports car naturally attracted middle aged ladies.  Our pale guilty faces must have lit up like rabbits caught in headlights for she exclaimed again.

“Ooooh! Sorry, so sorry! We were just admiring the car!”

“That’s ok,” I called out and they laughed on went on their way and we laughed and returned to business.

Anyway, I was sad to see G go. She was a fun-loving girl who really enjoyed living life in the moment.  It was a cold grey day as I drove back from saying goodbye to her but I put the roof down and turned the heater up. What a fabulous sports car the MX5 is! If you hold it in a low gear on a twisty B road, it looks, sounds and goes just amazingly.

Epicurean ideals

Walked along the deserted beach in the mist and wind and reflected upon the Epicurean pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain. Meditated this morning and found my body like granite. Dreamt of rising and hearing a heavenly choir.

So, tomorrow is back to work. Simple pleasures await…

Cornish seagulls kill dog

Just when I thought Cornwall was a nice safe place compared to Thailand, it turns out that there are hordes of deadly creatures lying in wait on our rooftops.  

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-33534181

Simple pleasures

14th July

Well, simple pleasures cometh and simple pleasures goeth but summer has yet to make an appearance. Rain, wind, rain, cold and more rain. I swam last Sunday just for the record….mid July and only been in the sea once. There hasn’t been even a whiff of a romantic encounter since G left. Tut, I don’t know whether to blame Plymouth or England in general or the fact that I live at home with my parents here and work too hard.

On the plus side, I have a new simple pleasure in the form of a new sports car. My last one packed up so now I have a burgundy Mazda MX5 Icon – a limited edition with cream leather sports seats, mahogany steering wheel, gear lever and trim, 6 speed gearbox, a pop up wind deflector etc. It is a pocket Jaguar and goes brilliantly...

The novelty of squeezing into the low slung sports seats, the snug cabin with the handbrake on the passenger side so that a more sleazy minded man than me could reasonably grab his female passenger's thigh by honest mistake when coming to a halt at traffic lights. The sheer delight of throwing back the hood even on a cloudy day and feeling the wind in your hair and nothing between you and the sky above.  All these were simple pleasures that I enjoyed immensely.

13th August.

Alas, it not only looks, goes and feels like a Jaguar, it behaves like one as well. Since buying it I’ve had to change all the brakes, discs, etc., headlight sockets and now its drinking oil AND water…. Rubbish.  And still no romantic encounter in it yet… Actually to be honest, it's too small to have sex in.

Helen the new Korean student gets up at 4am to mediate. She is 49 and looks in her early 30s. P calls from Krabi to complain that she can’t find a man as good as me....I smell a request for money....

Why don't men want to have long term relationships?

Water leak in MX5 fixed. Drove back from Tavistock via Gunnislake. Huge seas at Whitsands. Sea mostly white. One of my Spanish students has got himself a job as a food runner in an Italian restaurant. He wants to improve his English. 

Today was my turn to take the conversation class. Two young Turkish girls, one blonde, one ballet dancer. Two Italian girls, one young and beautiful, the other 29 years old and obsessive. One Thai girl and one Korean.  After we had all introduced ourselves, the Turkish ladies wanted to talk about men, goodness knows why. 

“Ben, we want to know why men are always immature. Why don’t men want to have long term relationships?”

“Because it is unnatural. Think of lions and their prides. Think of the more enlightened people such as the Turks with their harems. It is natural for a decent healthy man to mate with as many females as possible in order to safeguard the moral well-being of the human race…”

“When I meet a nice handsome man," observed the ballet dancer.  "I am like the cat and the mouse, the dog and the cat. I pretend not to notice him. I run away. It makes him crazy for me…”

“I am very jealous of my boyfriend," said the Korean lady.  "If he goes out with his friends, I am very angry.  I cannot say anything but inside I am furious…”

“I am not jealous,” remarked the Thai girl. “I like freedom so I must give him freedom as well.”

"Freedom!" said the older Italian girl bitterly.  "I hate this word.  Always my ex boyfriend use this word.  Then I find out he have another girl....."

"I want to talk about ghost," said the Korean girl.  “Has anyone here ever seen a ghost?”

“Yes,” said the Thai girl. “I was stay at my friend house in Thailand. I was sleeping when I felt someone shaking my leg like this.” She reached across and shook my thigh. “When I open my eyes, I see a man standing there. A shape of a dark man with big, big eyes. When I look at him again, I cannot see him. I was very afraid and cannot go back to sleep again.”

Summer dreams

Took a group of Polish students to St Ives.  I met they at the big screen in the city centre at 10am. Their teacher was a young blonde in her early 20s who wore lots of make up and spoke perfect English.  For some reason, she made a deep impression on me.  Maybe 10 years in Thailand had made me particularly susceptible to sassy, self confident blondes.

I was not the only one she made an impression on.  A passing local Plymouthian man, in tracksuit and trainers, beer can ready in his right hand, stopped and stared.  He scratched at his crotch for a moment and then nodded appreciatively.

"Hey, blondie!" he called.

The blonde turned to look.  He made a thrusting motion with his hips and nodded again.

"You're alright!" he said.

We walked the students down to where the coach was waiting.  The blonde's gallant admirer followed us for a while and then got swallowed up by the crowds of shoppers.  We boarded the coach.  Dave the driver nodded cheerily at me.

"Bloody hell, some hot 'uns you got today mate!  Where they from?"

"Poland," I said.

He shook his head sadly.  "I can't speak Russian," he said gloomily.

The journey to St Ives took 2 hours.  The students settled down to listen to their ipods or take selfies. When we got to St Ives, the weather was perfect, the bright Cornish sunlight reflecting off the white sandy bottom of the bay creating a turquoise almost tropical effect with the light.  I got the Polish blonde to pose for a photo with me.  The result - for me - was the perfect idealized representation of what summer was all about.  All summed up neatly in one picture.  The Reader shall hear about what happened the next time I met this blonde nearly 6 months later.

Happy Turkish boys

A very hot and humid day. It was too hot to have lunch outside in the sunshine. The classrooms were stifling with no air con. Nevertheless, it was a perfect day. A lovely drive in to Mozart. A lovely first lesson with the Thai student and the Turkish boy.

At break, I went outside with my coffee and was accosted by a group of Turkish boys smoking at the bottom of the steps. They seemed happy and excited.

“Ben, Ben! Have you seen the new students this week?”

“No. Should I?”

“No, no. Leave them to us!”

Brian the ADOS came up to me looking harassed. “You’ve got two additions after break,” he told me and handed me some test papers. “They’re a couple of short termers doing one week ELT.”

A slim, beautiful young woman approached me and I recognised her as M, my clever and rather obsessive Spanish student. She was looking stunning as usual with long auburn hair and trim lovely figure but today she also seemed sad. She told me that she was leaving for Spain tonight and come to return a book she’d borrowed from me and say goodbye. 

She then clutched my arm and thanked me for everything then told me that we should go to Oxford and Bath next time. I still had a hot cup of coffee and a book in my hand so I laughingly told her to write up an itinerary. Impulsively, she hugged me and then stood there awkwardly for a while. After a while she said goodbye again and left after we had promised to meet up again sometime in the future. I shall miss her.

After break, the two new students came to my class and I now understood why the Turkish boys had been so enthusiastic. The two newcomers were slim, blonde girls from Germany. One of them in particular was flawlessly beautiful with big blue eyes and long golden hair. She was the stuff of Turkish men’s dreams…and perhaps many other men as well.

After lunch I taught another couple of hours and then slipped away early to the beach.  It was still baking hot. I drove back with the hood and both windows on my convertible down. I went straight down the beach and into the warm, frothy sea. This was paradise.

Up for a hot shower and another really excellent meal washed down with coffee.  Twas good. All it needs now is a nice bachelor’s pad somewhere nearby, an acoustic guitar, some nice incense or scented candles, a few choice books and the occasional lovely lady…

Last day at school

Last day at school before my much needed holiday. My two lovely German students wanted to spend the last lesson singing English songs on the guitar. It was a very agreeable morning. My Turkish student had gone to London for the weekend so it was just the Thai girl and the two Germans. I taught them how to use the future tense and then demonstrated a practical use of it by reading the future in their hands.  This was a party trick I had picked up from a lesbian tour guide I met on a Thai island.  I studied the palms of their hands, traced a few lines with my finger and then nodded wisely.

“You will have twins,” I told J, the flawlessly beautiful one.

Her big blue eyes widened in surprise and her mouth fell open, displaying perfect, pearly white teeth.

“But it’s true! My mother is twins…and twins always skips a generation!”

She turned to her friend and spoke excitedly in German to her. Her friend started speaking excitedly back. She turned back to me again happily and clutched her left breast.

“My breast hurts,” she confided. “It hurts when I breathe deeply.”

I was a bit nonplussed. Examining my young and beautiful students’ breasts was surely outside my job description. My other German student nodded eagerly.

“Mine hurts too!” she said and straightened her shoulders to display her huge cleavage more clearly to me.

“It’s because your boobs are so big,” laughed J and they both giggled. “She needs a new bra.”

“Hmmm,” I said thoughtfully. “Maybe you need to go shopping or see a doctor. Anyway, if you turn back to page 43 of your books…”

Reluctantly, the three students bent their heads over their books. One of the speaking exercises was to say two things about what they liked about Plymouth.

“I like Plymouth,” said J brightly. “Because the city is nice and the humans are

friendly.”

The Cornish Whale

Went for walk on the beach and saw a large dead whale lying in the sand. It had obviously been dead for a while for its skin had gone a yellowish red colour and it smelt bad. Part of its tail was missing and the eye sockets were empty but it still had an enormous penis. I guess whales have the largest

penises in the world. What on earth was a beached whale doing in south-east Cornwall?

Last day of August.

31st August

Last day of August. It was a perfect late summer’s morning. As I hung out the washing, I looked down and saw a large black animal swimming below. As I watched, it dived and then a short while later surfaced a couple of hundred metres away. It was obviously an excellent swimmer. It looked too big to be a seal. Maybe it was a sea lion.

My brother and I went down for a morning swim. Ah, the bliss of a clean quiet beach with the warm morning sunshine beating down…the cool background temperature which only served to heighten the pleasure of the sun’s rays…a few clean waves to bodysurf…

In the afternoon, we went for a walk in Mount Edgcumbe. On the way down the cliff, I met a good looking blonde lady whose name I cannot remember.  I used to meet her at the top of the cliff when I went to work in the morning but since I started parking outside the café I hadn’t seen her. I told her about the whale on the beach yesterday and the size of its penis. She brightened with interest and told me that she was off to London for the weekend.

3rd September
A lovely, rather magical day. Warm September sunshine, morning mists, golden light. First day back at work. It was nice to see everyone again. Back to my old classes in the morning and afternoon – which is no bad thing. Even better, the afternoon class is only 1 hour so a nice compromise between free time and money!

After the afternoon class, I planned the lessons for the week and then jet washed my car and returned home at 6 o’clock. The tide was in, the sun still warm so I changed into swimming shorts and ran down to the beach. I met a pleasant blonde girl on the way down who was waiting for a dog with very short legs to catch up with her. I went straight into the sea and had a brief and invigorating swim. The water was clean with lots of little green fish and quite warm. I swam out to Spencer rock and then back in.

The pleasant blonde girl was waiting by the shore. She smiled and told
me that her name was Clare. She is staying at Sea View, a chalet close to the beach.

I ran up the cliff, jumped straight into a hot shower and then ate dinner. Twas good.  After coffee, there was a fantastic sunset. It still feels very warm.

20th September

“When I left Italy,” said Silvia. “I did not believe in God. Now in Plymouth, I have learned something new. Now I do not believe in Love.”

“I haven’t been anywhere near semen for ages!” sighed the Buddhist girl sadly.

Ok, so after a really long time...5 years or so...I have been inspired to return to writing my blog.  I've managed to dig up all sorts of random stuff I wrote, some from ages ago.  Anyway, I'm going to post them as and when I can.  So here is the first bit which I think dates from really ages ago when I first went to Thailand...

WEDNESDAY

One of the things that I love about travelling alone is the sheer randomness of everything. I wanted to catch the bus from Don Muang to Bangkok to avoid paying the 400baht taxi fare. It should have been simple.

It wasn’t. Instead, I found myself paying 10baht for an open-windowed train to Hualamphong Station and ended up in a Thai hotel room with Noi, a 26 year old girl who wears clothes from 200 years ago and is a classical Thai dancer.

Noi soon filled me in on the “correct” behaviour between old school Thai couples. The woman’s bed must be lower than the man’s. If he wanted to sleep with her then he could come to her bed but she could not come to his. She must “wai” (fold hands respectfully together in a praying motion) to him before he touched her and then she must wipe his feet with her hair before he lay with her.

Thais did not kiss, continued Noi. Instead they "sniffed" each other. No mouth to mouth, tongues etc.? No, certainly not.

Sex between them was as gloomy and joyless as the foreplay. Her pleasure did not matter. Any positions that involved her taking the initiative were “wrong”. A slight concession to modern practices was that he was now allowed to kiss her breasts. Before it was considered degrading to him to kiss below her neck. Oral sex was, naturally, out of the question.

I asked her how often a Thai couple would have sex. She said “maybe once or twice a month”. No wonder, I thought.

However, usually the man would get it more often than the woman. In Thailand it is considered normal for a man to be “jow chew” (promiscuous) and although Thai women don’t like it they tolerate it. It is not uncommon for him to have several “kiks” as well as a main girlfriend or wife. A “kik” is a person described by Thais as being “more than a friend and less than a girlfriend/boyfriend”. Women sometimes have several “kiks” but this is (apparently) not usual among “respectable” girls.

It wasn't until I'd been in Thailand for two months that I found out that "respectable" women always lie about anything to do with sex....