The Trouble with English Girls

I finished my coconut but there was still no sign of the curry I had ordered.  I set about scraping the flesh from the inside of the coconut with the metal spoon.  One of the main attractions of eating at a Thai night market is watching the bustle of all the people.  They are so diverse.  At the table next to me were five old school backpackers complete with dreadlocks and beads.  They were drinking big bottles of Leo beer - which is popular in Thailand because it is the cheapest but has a bad reputation of giving you a killer hangover due to the chemicals in it.  They were swapping stories of places they had visited in south east Asia and cheap ways to travel and save money.   At another table nearby were the more modern backpackers - young boys and girls on their gap year, sporting trendy hair styles, tatoos and piercings.  Most were engaged in searching anxiously on their smartphones for a wifi signal. 

A big shaven headed man with a big beer belly in a Chang beer vest, shorts and flip-flops wandered unhurriedly past.  His name was Big Steve. I had met him once last year with Karen at a street concert.  He glanced at the young backpackers and then spotted me.  His face broke into a grin and he came over to my table.

"Why hello mate!" he said in his Aussie accent and thrust out a big hand.  "How long you been back for?"

"Just got here four days ago," I said shaking his hand and he sat down in the flimsy plastic chair opposite me.  

"Good to see you mate.  Good to see you.  How's life treating you? You still seeing that teacher from the school?"

"No, she went and got married," I said and he laughed.

"They don't hang around, do they!" His face grew suddenly serious.  "Tell you what, you haven't seen your friend Karen, have you?"

"Yeah, she was here ten minutes ago.  Why?"

He snorted and laid his big forearms on the table.  "Because she's a dirty, poisonous, fucking slut, that's why!  I mean, I know you're English and I don't wanna talk bad about pommie girls to you but I'm telling you something, that girl is evil!  Me and the wife had a bit of punch up and to cut a long story short, I was booted out and so I asked Karen if I could stay at her house for a couple of days.  I mean, I used to like the girl.  I thought she was sound.  Well, do you know what?"

He leaned forward and held his eyes open with his fingers and stared at me.

"My eyes have been opened, that's what! Oh yes! Do you know during the time I was staying there, there was a constant stream of dirty bar boys that she was fucking coming and going at all hours! And  there was me sleeping on the sofa.  Mind you, she laid it out for me a few times.  I mean, she was all there if I wanted to but, do you know what? I got standards, I have.  I got standards.  I wasn't gonna touch here with a barge pole.  And even worse, can you believe that that fucking toe rag of her boyfriend stole three hundred baht from me.  Stole it from my wallet while I slept.  I mean, I knew it was him alright and when I fronted him about it he had the bloody cheek to deny it.  And I said to him, 'you don't wanna get on the wrong fucking side of me'.  Cause I know some real hard guys here in Krabi who would make his life extremely unpleasant if I gave them the nudge.  I mean, I could have sorted him out myself but it's more effective if he knows the sort of guys I'm talking about.  Some of those guys are guys you wouldn't wanna cross if you wanna keep your balls.  Oh no.  And as for that bitch Karen, you won't believe what she done! I come back from the market one day...and all my stuff is thrown outside and door is locked.  And when I bang on the door, the little brother of her fellow...she's shagging him now...he comes to the window and says she's not in but she wants me to fuck off.  Unbelievable!"

Big Steve shook his head in disbelief at the wickedness of women and drummed his fingers on the table.  

"You know what? The trouble with these English girls is that they have no shame.  Not even this fucking much."

 And he held up a big thumb and forefinger.

An English girl's problems with Thai boys...

B woke early and went off to work.  It was a beautiful day so I decided not to waste it.  I showered, did my morning exercises and then headed off on my motorbike to Relax Cafe for breakfast.  If you ever find yourself in Krabi town then you must breakfast at Relax! The coffee, sourced from the north of Thailand, is simply the best in town.  And the breakfast is pretty good too.  There is a massive choice from full English breakfast to Thai rice porridge.  There is a veggie option for pretty much everything, soya milk options and quick, efficient, friendly staff.  I really can't recommend it enough.  If any of you readers out there end up going to Relax then please drop me a line and I will show your messages to the owner... and hopefully get free breakfasts for life:)

Anyway, coming back to my story, I demolished a big breakfast and ordered another Americano.  It was hot, black and strong...just the way I like it.  I had an outside table and was in no hurry so I sipped appreciatively at my coffee and watched the world go by.  The temperature was still pleasantly cool in the shade although the tropical sun was gaining strength by the minute.  I felt happy and contented...which was hardly surprising really.  I suppose it sounds very shallow but sex and food really are and have been the two great pleasures in my life.  Those two combined with a lack of responsibility, of course.

A skinny girl wearing tiny denim shorts and flip-flops on a scooter drew up and parked on the opposite side of the road.  As she took off her helmet, I recognised her as Karen, an English girl I had taught with with at Khao Pranom school last year.  She was from south London and, unusually for this part of Thailand, was a properly qualified teacher.  She could have been earning £30,000 back home but instead she was on 30,000 baht (£600) per month here.  Her face broke into a smile when she spotted me.

"Hey Benny boy! When did you get here? Is there anyone sitting here or are you with a friend?"

"No, no.  Sit down," I said.  " I got here three days ago.  How are you?"

"Yeah, not bad.  I'm not teaching a Khao Pranom anymore.  I had a big argument with Ajarn Prem...silly bitch! I can't believe that she was lying to the other teachers about me behind my back!  She was spreading rumours that I was shagging Mr Chokchai! Can you believe that?!"

She picked up the menu.  "Hmmm.  Now what shall I have? I really fancy a full English but I really need to lose weight.  I'm not skinny enough.  I want to be able to see my ribs when I'm not sucking my tummy in, see?"

She pulled up her t-shirt and displayed her skinny torso and the obligatory belly piercing to me.

"Hmmm," I said.  "Looks like you could do with putting on weight to me."

She uncrossed and then recrossed her long legs.  "No, I wanna be skinnier than this.  I wanna be as skinny as my boyfriend then when I hug him in bed I can feel our bones grating against each other. Anyway, how's your love life?"

"Not bad...bit quite.  How's yours?"

"Hang on, I just gonna order."

She went inside to the counter and then came back again.

"So yeah, my love life.  Well I'm a bit pissed off with my boyfriend at the moment.  You know, he works at the Foo Bar and he's an arsehole basically.  He keeps lying to me and stealing my money.  And he's crap in bed."

"Sounds perfect.  How old is he?"

"19."

"You child molester! How old are you? 26?"

"No, 25.  Gosh I really wish I was 18!  Anyway, I really fancy his younger brother.  He's 17 and even skinnier than my boyfriend.  That's why I'm trying to lose weight so that I can seduce his younger brother!"

The sexual obsessions of a 30s TEFL teacher

Woke up early again. Weather was still perfect. In fact, it wasn’t far off a perfect English summer in Cornwall. It was warm but there was still a pleasant coolness underlying it all.

After I had showered and meditated and was contemplating the pleasant day ahead, the realisation suddenly struck me that this very moment that we are in is of vital importance as it affects what will follow. If one is to have a good life and future then one shouldn’t entertain a single negative thought of any kind as this will lead onto other negatively related thoughts and experiences. Positive thinking is so important.

I ate a good breakfast at Relax Coffee and met Jim from England who lives here half of the year. After a chat over a leisurely coffee, I headed off to swim at Ao Nang. It was glorious there….lovely cool, green water….soaking up the head of the morning sun between swims under the swaying palms…magic.

I came back to have lunch at the Jai shop and had an excellent lunch for all of 35 baht! Then I returned to my apartment for a shower and siesta. I slept for what seemed like ages but was actually only an hour. Then I arose, showered again and thought about an afternoon coffee. Then it started to pour with rain. Not wanting to waste time, I wrote my diary. It’s been a pretty good day, I reflected. All I need to complete it is to have a good rampant session tonight. The Gentle Reader shall find out if I got it later.

Now, as I look out of the window, I see that the rain has stopped and the sky looks bright. Bearing in mind what I wrote in the second paragraph of today’s entry, I shall sally forth with positive thoughts in the present moment…and who knows what delightful experiences I shall have when I go out! I shall report back to the Gentle Reader later this evening…

Gentle Reader, I have returned from sallying forth. I went first to buy chocolate brownies from Maharat Bakery which is run by a Dutch man. Then I went to share the delicious delicacies with Pim at the massage and tour shop. She gave me fresh coffee to go with the brownies but did not take any herself as she was afraid of getting fat. Between you and me, she already was halfway there but didn’t look bad for it.

Some girls are meant to be large and buxom. Nothing wrong with that.

I spent a pleasant hour chatting with her and then went for a run in the park by the river. It was beautiful with the scent of nutmeg trees in my nostrils and the golden light of the setting sun. I ran once around the entire park and then spent some time on the various exercise bars and contraptions that Thais are so good at providing in their parks.

I returned home to shower. How nice it was to have a full pressure hot shower! It is the little things in life that seem to make all the difference. While I was revelling in thus cleansing myself, P rang.

“Where are you, Pi Ben?”

“In the shower.”

“Hurry up. I want to take you to meet my grandparents.”

Well, it still wasn’t the most exciting invite in the world but it was at least a step in the right direction after the funeral of last night. I dressed and went to meet her father’s parents. They were both Chinese, her grandfather had emigrated from China when he was young and still couldn’t speak Thai very well. He was in his eighties and she was a year older than my father at 74. They were both lovely with a certain charm that some old Chinese people have. I liked them very much.

After some talk, we went off to have dinner at the market. P told me that her father had asked her mother when I was going to ask him for P’s hand in marriage. P assured me that the idea made her sick. She then explained all what would be expected….a big wedding, lots of relations, traditional ceremonies etc. I asked if her father would mind a register office wedding like in England and she told me that all her relatives and friends would be angry. I started to feel rather depressed at the mere thought of it. P then told me that her body ached and she was going to take some medicine and go to sleep.

I realised that, much as I liked her, I really was going to have to look elsewhere if I wanted sex. She just wasn’t interested anymore. But she still obviously wanted to marry me. Why? Just to have kids to please her parents, probably. Then there would definitely be no more sex after that. She told me that if we had children, she would send them to England with me and she would stay here in Thailand and work. And find a kik, she added with a laugh.

Needless to say, I didn’t find her humour in very good taste. A girl simply shouldn’t joke about taking another lover when she isn’t fully looking after her current one.

And yet it had been so different when we first met, I remembered wistfully. Then, she had been a little nympho. A sweet faced little nympho who was fantastic in bed and never argued. Asian women are so good at spoiling a man when they feel inclined to. So when they go off the idea, it can be a traumatic experience.

I bade her goodnight and headed back to my apartment. A heady idea was forming in my fevered brain. Last year when I was here, I’d met B, a Thai woman who was pretty much in the same predicament as I was. She was same age as me, had a great figure and was fantastic in bed. I remembered how she had asked me if I could cum in her mouth because swallowing semen was 'good for her complexion'. She was very ‘Thai style’, had a sexy husky little girl voice and was probably the best unemotionally attached shag I’d ever had. I got all hot and bothered just thinking about her. And I still had her number.

Now, I’d purposely refrained from calling her when I arrived in Krabi. I was in love with P and I had no intention of having more than one girl on the go and all the trouble that came with it. But now the situation was desperate and my lack of sex was starting to affect my relationship with P. Whatever she said or did just seemed to bring the frustrating fact back to me that she didn’t seem interested in having sex with me anymore. As my Gentle Readers who belong to the male sex will know, there is nothing more disheartening, depressing, maddening thing than to have the girl you have strong affection for to do this to you. You spend your time alternatively remembering the good old days when time together was a happy, intimate tiredness between bouts of joyous lovemaking and brooding jealousy. Who is she seeing behind your back? Who is she shagging instead of you?

Anyway, coming back to B. With trembling fingers and thumping heart, I dug out her number and dialled. I found myself thinking that it was ridiculous for a 34 year old man of the world to be feeling like a pubescent teenager but I couldn’t help it.

There was still no sound from the phone. I took it from my ear and looked at the screen. The call had cut out. I tried again. Still nothing. The number must no longer be available.

Feverishly, I checked out her contact details and found an alternative number. I dialled it and it rang! I waited with bated breath. I guess it’s crazy really how

important sex seems to a man who isn’t getting it.

There was no answer. After a while I hung up. I felt calmer now. Perhaps it was just as well. Perhaps I should just be resigned to a married life of celibacy…

I settled back on the bed and switched on the TV. I felt calmer now. It was a warm evening and I don't like to use air conditioning unless I really have to so I was naked. I propped myself up on the pillows and flicked through the channels. There were over 60 of them but there was nothing particularly interesting on. I decided to go to sleep.

Suddenly, my phone rang. My heart started thumping again when I saw that it was B calling me back. I pressed the answer button.

"P Ben!" said B's little girl voice. "Where are you? Are you in Krabi?"

"Yes, yes! Where are you?"

"I'm at home. You not sleeping yet? Are you alone?"

"Yes, I'm alone. Just watching TV." I was getting a hard-on just talking to her.

"Can I come and see you? Are you at the same apartment as last time?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Ok, see you in 20 minutes na."

Exactly twenty minutes later there was a soft knock at my door and B came in, her long glossy hair smelling of perfume, her firm buxom body warm against mine...

More problems with Thai girls

December 2010. (Okay, okay I know this post is 2 years older than the previous one but I just found it and as it relates to the thorny issue of the Problem with Thai Girls, I figured that it belongs here.

Awoke early to a glorious sunny morning.  P came to my room not long after I got up but did not respond well to my advances.  Instead she bit me and gave me a love bite on my neck as well just to spite me so that other girls would think that I already had a girlfriend.  It is a hopeless situation.  I have neither the freedom of being single nor the sexual advantages of being in a normal relationship.  Today I must finish this silly ‘relationship’ or I shall go mad.

I showered and the water was barely a trickle.  Apparently, this going to be fixed today.  Breakfast in my room then down to Pi Lek’s for morning coffee.  Returned to my room to respond to my emails and transfer money to International House for my CELTA course next month.

Early and delicious lunch at the Italian restaurant.  I had bruschetta as a starter then spaghetti with a simple but good pesto sauce.  Penne, the owner, told me that she is selling up and going to concentrate on her organic farm in Kao Pronom.

After lunch I took the motorbike to Ao Nang.  This was the first hot day I’d experienced this time in Thailand and it was wonderful to feel the heat soaking into my body.  After all the rain, the tropical vegetation looked incredibly lush, the vivid green standing out against the blue sky.  When I got to the coast, I found the tide in and the bay was just amazing.

I went for a delicious swim and lazed about in the water, looking up at the towering cliffs.  I got out and applied sun cream as the early afternoon sun was probably dangerously strong.  As I couldn’t really do my own back properly, I asked a nearby buxom German girl to put sun cream on for me.  I felt really corny as if I was trying to pull off the oldest beach chat up line in the world. 

She seem a little startled but proceeded apply sun cream with a surprising sensuality.  She went on massaging and stroking my back for ages after the cream was rubbed in.  However, I didn’t try any conversation while she massaged my love handles and all sorts of other places I could have easily reached myself.  Which was probably just as well because not long after, her boyfriend (I presume) arrived and lay down next to her.  I have no idea if she told him about me or not but I congratulated myself upon maintaining my usual reserve.

 A couple of swims and a good soaking in the sun later, I headed to Starbucks to try a Soya Caramel latte.  Twas very goodly indeed.  It was late afternoon before I headed back to town and watched the sunset from the balcony of my apartment.  Then I tried the shower.  Bliss! It was gushing out like the waterfall I visited yesterday. 

I felt very relaxed.  I thought of P and my relationship problems.  I decided that I’d had enough of being ‘Thai style’.  From now on, I would always be straight with myself and everyone. Then I headed to the night market by the river to get a cheap, Thai meal of veg and tofu over rice with banana shake and Thai old fashioned style tea.

It was fairly quiet at the market.  It was a lovely balmy evening.  The temperature was perfect.  I sat and ate in a leisurely, contented silence.  Suddenly P appeared out of nowhere and sat down opposite me.  She was looking very pretty.

“Would you like to go to a funeral?” she asked me.

“Whose funeral? Yours?”

She laughed.  “No, one of the very old neighbours has just died. I’m going with my mother and I don’t know who else to ask.”

Well, to be honest, the idea didn’t fill me with the greatest enthusiasm.  I’d heard better invites in my time.  If she’d invited me back to my room to have a night of sex, yes!  Or even a quickie.  But a Thai funeral….

The gentle Reader can doubt discern that my obsession with sex was never far from my mind.  You wouldn’t need a degree in psychology to work that one out.

“Well….erm….hmmmm,” I said.  “Would you like anything to eat?”

“No, I’ve already eaten.  I’ve been thinking that I should finish with you,” she added.  “Maybe finish today.”

I mulled this over.  It was what I’d been thinking about most of the day and now she was going to make it easy for me.  Strangely enough, this didn’t fill me with the enthusiasm that I thought it would have.  After all, I could have brought all sorts of girls back to my room without waiting for that dreaded knock on the door at a compromising moment that all men who have more than one lady friend on the go fears.  Instead I felt rather depressed.

“Ok, let’s go to the funeral,” I said.

We headed off.  But as soon as we left the brightly lit market, I noticed that my motorbike headlight wasn’t working.  I breathed a sigh of relief.

“I must get this fixed,” I told her.  “I’ll catch up with you at the funeral later.”

Amazingly, at 8pm, there was still a garage open.  The boy working there grinned cheerfully at me and said something about me going home for a long time.  He soon fixed the light, charged me 50 baht and I was off in the direction of the funeral again.

As I wasn’t quite sure where it was, I rang P.  Another stroke of luck.  She didn’t pick up.  I decided to call it a day and went home.  No sooner had I arrived then she rang me.

“Where are you, Ben?”

“I’ve just got home.”

“Ok, I’ll come and see you.”

Two minutes later, there was a knock on my door and P came in looking radiantly beautiful.  I felt a sudden rush of lust and love for her.  I realised then that I couldn’t finish with her as planned.  My love life had just got complicated again. 

I told her how beautiful she was and gathered her into my arms.  She allowed herself to be gathered and even offered her soft full lips for a kiss.  Things progressed very nicely and I was just working up to jumping her when her phone rang.  It was her dad asking to speak to her mum.

“I’ve got to return to the funeral,” said P picking up her jacket and heading for the door

She kissed me quickly and left.  Gloomily, I sat down on the bed and sighed

“Whatever, you do,” I said, “Never have a traditional Thai/Chinese girlfriend who still lives with her parents….it just isn’t worth it.”

I am teaching at Khao Pranombenja School. It is in the middle of nowhere. Well, it is in the middle of a national park and in the shadow of Khao Pranom, Krabi’s tallest mountain.

It is a government school and most of the students come from poor, farming backgrounds. There are 1,500 students and only two native English teachers, myself included. This means that I teach five classes a day and get to see each class only once every two weeks. Not surprisingly, the standard of English here is poor.

A Thai teacher helps with every class so there is no problem with the language barrier. Today, it was Ajarn Osot. She is a plump, rather mournful lady of about forty with curly hair.

“Your next class is a very bad class,” said Ajarn Osot mournfully. “They are very noisy, they do not listen to the teacher. Sometimes they get up and walk about the class talking loudly. They do not want to learn but they are here because they do not want to work on the rubber plantations with their parents. They are lazy and bad.”

I went to teach the dreaded class. There were 40+ students and they were certainly very noisy. I wondered why nobody here had ever tried to discipline them or work out what was wrong with them. In my experience, the students that are noisy and badly behaved often do it to cover up for the fact that they don’t understand.

I taught for an hour. I divided the class up into three teams and got them to compete against each other for points. It is a tactic that I have found works well for noisy and energetic classes. At the end of the lesson, one of the students from the noisy gang came and shook my hand and asked if I would like to go to a nightclub with him. There are strippers there, he added.