I finished my coconut but there was still no sign of the curry I had ordered. I set about scraping the flesh from the inside of the coconut with the metal spoon. One of the main attractions of eating at a Thai night market is watching the bustle of all the people. They are so diverse. At the table next to me were five old school backpackers complete with dreadlocks and beads. They were drinking big bottles of Leo beer - which is popular in Thailand because it is the cheapest but has a bad reputation of giving you a killer hangover due to the chemicals in it. They were swapping stories of places they had visited in south east Asia and cheap ways to travel and save money. At another table nearby were the more modern backpackers - young boys and girls on their gap year, sporting trendy hair styles, tatoos and piercings. Most were engaged in searching anxiously on their smartphones for a wifi signal.
A big shaven headed man with a big beer belly in a Chang beer vest, shorts and flip-flops wandered unhurriedly past. His name was Big Steve. I had met him once last year with Karen at a street concert. He glanced at the young backpackers and then spotted me. His face broke into a grin and he came over to my table.
"Why hello mate!" he said in his Aussie accent and thrust out a big hand. "How long you been back for?"
"Just got here four days ago," I said shaking his hand and he sat down in the flimsy plastic chair opposite me.
"Good to see you mate. Good to see you. How's life treating you? You still seeing that teacher from the school?"
"No, she went and got married," I said and he laughed.
"They don't hang around, do they!" His face grew suddenly serious. "Tell you what, you haven't seen your friend Karen, have you?"
"Yeah, she was here ten minutes ago. Why?"
He snorted and laid his big forearms on the table. "Because she's a dirty, poisonous, fucking slut, that's why! I mean, I know you're English and I don't wanna talk bad about pommie girls to you but I'm telling you something, that girl is evil! Me and the wife had a bit of punch up and to cut a long story short, I was booted out and so I asked Karen if I could stay at her house for a couple of days. I mean, I used to like the girl. I thought she was sound. Well, do you know what?"
He leaned forward and held his eyes open with his fingers and stared at me.
"My eyes have been opened, that's what! Oh yes! Do you know during the time I was staying there, there was a constant stream of dirty bar boys that she was fucking coming and going at all hours! And there was me sleeping on the sofa. Mind you, she laid it out for me a few times. I mean, she was all there if I wanted to but, do you know what? I got standards, I have. I got standards. I wasn't gonna touch here with a barge pole. And even worse, can you believe that that fucking toe rag of her boyfriend stole three hundred baht from me. Stole it from my wallet while I slept. I mean, I knew it was him alright and when I fronted him about it he had the bloody cheek to deny it. And I said to him, 'you don't wanna get on the wrong fucking side of me'. Cause I know some real hard guys here in Krabi who would make his life extremely unpleasant if I gave them the nudge. I mean, I could have sorted him out myself but it's more effective if he knows the sort of guys I'm talking about. Some of those guys are guys you wouldn't wanna cross if you wanna keep your balls. Oh no. And as for that bitch Karen, you won't believe what she done! I come back from the market one day...and all my stuff is thrown outside and door is locked. And when I bang on the door, the little brother of her fellow...she's shagging him now...he comes to the window and says she's not in but she wants me to fuck off. Unbelievable!"
Big Steve shook his head in disbelief at the wickedness of women and drummed his fingers on the table.
"You know what? The trouble with these English girls is that they have no shame. Not even this fucking much."
And he held up a big thumb and forefinger.
