Yesterday I visited the island’s two viewpoints. Incredible views, rather dodgy trek through leech infested rain forest (well, it looked like leech territory anyway!). Scores of tiny brightly coloured tropical birds flitting around and two orange buzzard sized birds gliding over the forest canopy.

The climb to the first viewpoint was very steep. It poured with rain too and a gang of large mosquito orcs from Mordor ambushed me.

I was dressed only in my Billabong board shorts and I lost a lot of blood. But if the Dark Forces hoped to stop me then they were severely disappointed. Ben, son of Brian, Great Palm Reader and Unacclaimed Genius was made of much sterner stuff. He won through. The Covenant retreated.

Last night I got only 2 hours sleep and as a result am shattered. I now sit in Phi Phi Bakery, drinking a whole pot of Earl Grey. Mosquitoes, ants and a Half Moon party at the nearby Hippy Bar were responsible for this. To add insult to injury, just when I was finally starting to doze off, the German (I think) couple next door decided to have sex at 4am… Thankfully, they were not French so it only lasted 10 minutes or so.

But after breakfast, things started to look up. I had an absolutely incredible massage. It started off as traditional and ended up with oil. It was a deeply soothing, relaxing and uplifting experience and the massage girls giggled at the awakened one within my shorts. I felt well and refreshed. A worthy sleep substitute.

I think my brothers would go crazy here!

My plans for a Maya Beach tour had to be shelved though. It rained non-stop after lunch. I spent the afternoon in the massage shop trying to help Pi Amy, Pi Mear, Pi Joy and Pi Porn get female customers into the shop. I was fed with green mango and bananas.

Noom left for Phuket this afternoon. He told me that he “needed to visit a brothel”. I checked out of the bungalow and have taken a more secure room closer to the action. Unfortunately there aren’t really any windows and quite a few dastardly mosquitoes. I think I am going to have to change again.

I really want to go for a massage this evening but I must try and contain my spending. Already I have spent close to my 1,000 baht daily allowance.