Rather horrendous day to start with. Up at 6, hopelessly late for airport. My Thai friend Pi Noom called the airline from his car and told them that we were on our way and could they please wait for us? Arrived 15 minutes after the gates were closed…Incredibly, Noom managed to wrangle it through.

He dropped me off at the entrance to pick up the tickets and I then had to wait for a nail-biting 10 minutes while he parked the car and I was pestered by first the woman from the airline helpdesk and then by the campest airline flight attendant in Thailand who tried to pick me up. The conversation went something like this.

Gay Flight Attendant (Wide-eyed, smiling and batting eyelids): Where you go my frieeeeeend?

Me (Trying to put my suitcase between myself and my aggressor and looking around anxiously for Noom) : Erm…I…I’m going with my friend. Damn it! Where is he?

Woman from the airline: Look at the time! The gates are closed! I thought your friend said that you would be here 15 minutes ago! We can’t wait any longer…the plane is going to take off.

Gay Flight Attendant (Smiling sweetly up into my eyes): Mmmm! That’s lovely! Is it a male frieeend or just maybe….?

Me (distractedly): Yeah it is. (Turning to the woman) I don’t know what on earth he’s doing…he should be here at any moment…

Gay Flight Attendant: Mmmmm. Is it your brother you’re going with? You’re very handsome, you know. Is this your first time in Thailand? You’re got lovely skin naaa…

At last Noom arrived, unruffled as ever. Calmly, he soothed the frantic woman from the airline. A car whisked us out to the plane where everybody was waiting. It was all very VIP and rather embarrassing. I settled down in my seat and thankfully gulped my first coffee of the morning.

After the plane touched down there then followed a rather dismal series of various people trying to rob us. The girls at the so-called “Airport Information Centre”, the usual gang of taxi, tuk-tuk and songtaw drivers at the bus station and then finally the boat company at the pier who tried to charge us 850 baht instead of 300…

But never mind, Koh Phi Phi is simply mind-blowing. It is by far and away the most spectacularly beautiful place I have ever visited. The pictures simply do not do it justice. The sheer limestone cliffs rise straight from the Andaman Sea and tower above the toy-like boats beneath. Dense tropical growths hang from the rocks. Lush rainforests cover the island centre.

Some parts of the island are expensive and commercial but there is plenty of room for peace and quiet in very affordable surroundings. Currently, we are paying 400 baht a night for a very basic bungalow. But two girls I met today are paying 300 baht.

We swam, showered and then headed into the busy centre of Phi Phi for a meal. As we walked along the narrow touristy street, girls called to us from the shop doorways.

“Helloooo? You want Thai Massaaaage? Make you very relaxed, very happeeee!”

Noom was hungry…but being a Thai man meant that he couldn’t resist the thought of a massage. Thais are gluttons for any kind of massage. He slowed to a halt.

“How much, please?”

“Two hundred. Make you very relaxed, very happeeee na!”

I could see that Noom was tempted. “Does that include “Happy Ending”?” he enquired.

A tall stout Amazon of a girl stepped forward. She was a true Southern Thai with dusky skin and powerful arms and shoulders. Many Thai girls from poorer backgrounds practise “Muay Thai” or Kickboxing as it is know in the West.

“Yes…a Happy Ending with this!” And she brandished a useful looking fist in his face.