23 January
Today I went to swim in Silom. Then I went to teach Amy. It was a nice lesson. Afterwards, her mum drove me home and took the opportunity to practice her English with me. We talked about families and the good and bad points of having children.

“What do you think is the most difficult thing about having children?” I asked.

“Bringing them up to be good and successful people,” she answered. “I think now young people copy a lot of bad habits from the western people. Now in Thailand there are a lot of men who are not men – gays! And there are women who are not women…do you know Toms?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Now there are so many, many! And in Pattaya it is not just girls who – what do you say? Girls who sell their bodies, what is the English word for them?”

“Prostitutes.”

“Ah, Prostitutes! Pros-tit-tutes! Now there are not just girl prostitutes but the man who sells his body to the other man…”

When I returned to Pi Baby’s café for dinner, the Essex Boy was there with a couple of his farang friends. There were several empty bottles of Singha on the table in front of them. They’d obviously been there for a while.

“Ah, here’s Ben!” said the Essex Boy kindly.

“Hello Essex Boy,” I said. “How was your day?”

“How was my day? Well, it all depends on which way you look at it. Lots of things happened but whether it was good or not just depends upon your viewpoint.”

The Singha had obviously made him philosphical. I guess it must have been the formaldehyde...

The uncompleted high speed rail link to the airport

21 January
Today is my charity day so I got up at 5.30am and took the train to Chachoengsao. I was going to teach at a temple school called Wat Saam Lom.

The one hour journey cost 12 baht and the railway carriage was from probably 50 years ago with wooden seats and paneling. It was very nice.

Pi Nun picked me up from the train station in Chacheongsao and drove me to the school. It was a lovely rural place by the Bang Pakong river. The school was an old style wooden building with massive teak floorboards. The students were aged between four and twelve years old and were from poor backgrounds, mostly farmers and fishermen.

I taught two hours before lunch and then another hour after lunch. Then it was time to catch the only air conditioned train back to Bangkok at two in the afternoon.

When I got back to Bangkok, I met the Essex Boy at Pi Baby’s café. He was unshaven and his eyes were bloodshot. He looked exhausted.

“Hi Essex Boy, how are you?” I asked.

“Oh hi Ben! How are I? That’s a good question!” he grinned. “Well, I’m just come back from the rave at Bang Na. You know what? The last couple of days have just been like full on. I’m been to Cambodia, to Bang Na, my mate just left at four this morning… You know what? I think I’ve only had two hours sleep in forty-eight hours. I’ve been doing so much partying and that much sleep..”

And he held up his finger and thumb and indicated a small space between them.

“But Bang Na was good,” he continued. “Lots of beautiful women, good music, plenty of booze. In fact, good class of people. You know, there were Thais, Luke Krung, some good young farang girls, people who’d been abroad and whatever. You know, people who knew what was going on.”

20 January
Today I took Mina to cut her hair. The hairdresser was a woman in her forties with a fake western style nose. She looked astonished when she saw Mina’s hair.

“Very long!” she said. “So much hair! They say that clever people have very little hair. Ok, I will cut it very sexy. I think you should dye it blonde – very beautiful na.”

“No thanks. I like it black,” said Mina, tossing her glossy locks. The hairdresser was not discouraged.

“See, look,” she said, coming over to where I sat and showing me some samples. “I think we should change it to this colour, don’t you think?”

And she pointed to a horrible orangey, brownish kind of blonde.

“If she changes her hair to that colour,” I said. “I will take her to the market and never see her again!”

“Oh,” said the hairdresser, looking disappointed. “Ok, just a shampoo and cut then.”

18 January
This morning, I did my washing. In the afternoon, I went with my Harrow student’s mum to see the latest addition to her imported car showroom – the new model Ferrari F460 in gleaming red.

It was a wonderful machine. I’m not a massive Ferrari fan – but this car was certainly special. When I sat in the cream leather seats and took the steering wheel, it felt instantly right. The instruments were beautifully simple and clearly laid out. The gears were paddle shifts behind the steering wheel. Even though this is the first of the new generation of lighter, more environmentally friendly Ferraris, everything felt reassuringly solid and of top quality. It felt like the best of the German cars.

I turned the key and pressed the big red start button on the steering wheel. The big V8 engine started into life in its glass box behind me. I blipped the throttle a few times and the needle on the rev counter swung towards the six thousand mark.

I think it was Jeremy Clarkson who once wrote that “nothing beats the sound of a Ferrari on an Alpine road. I couldn’t say, having never been to the Alps. But I can tell you that the sound of a F460 in a glass Thai car showroom is pretty awesome. It is a crackling, howling F1 roar and sounds way better than a Tuk Tuk.

Me enjoying another hard days teaching...

17 January
Today Mina and I went to Siam Square with my parents. Mina liked my father very much.

“He is just like me!” she said. “He is jai rawn! And I am very proud to walk beside him because Thai people think that he is millionaire guy and I am his young beautiful wife.”

At five, I went to teach at Thong Lor for an hour and then joined Mina and my parents at the British Club. We swam and then had dinner. Later, we walked back along the Silom Road market and I stopped to look at some polo shirts.

“This is nice,” I said, picking up a dark blue one and holding against my chest for size. “But I’m afraid that it will shrink once I wash it.”

“Do not worry Sir,” said the seller, hurrying forward. “You are thin, but with a chicken chest. Believe me, this shirt will fit you just fine.”

“Thank you,” I said. “In that case, I’ll take it.”

We carried on walking. A Thai boy ran after us and handed Mina a business card.

“What is this for?” she asked.

“Farang there tell me to give you,” replied the boy. “Give me twenty baht and tell me give you quick.”

“Sorry, but I already have a handsome boyfriend,” said Mina. Another man approached her. He was in his early fifties.

“Look live sex show?” he enquired. “Just see first. If not like then no pay. Free. Ping Pong show. Fuck fuck!”

“No thank you. I don’t like.”

“Just take a look!” insisted our friend, walking beside us. “No need to pay money. Ping pong. Live Sex show. Fucking.”

“No, thank you. We don’t need to see a sex show. Our own show is the best.”

“Yes, yes! Our show the best! Come see. Live show. Ping pong. Fucking….”

He continued in this vein for another hundred yards and then slowly fell behind. His voice gradually faded into the street market din of people, traffic and music.

"I don't care what you say...I say no!"

13 January
Today is my birthday. I am 32. So young!! I went to Central shopping mall at Rama 3 to meet my cousin Gook. We had dinner and then Gook treated me to an ice cream at Swensen.

12 January
I woke up early, caught the skytrain to Thong Lor and taught Luke for an hour and then returned home. I did my washing, relaxed in the afternoon and then met up with a friend in the evening. I returned home at about 9pm. It was a quiet day.

10 January
Yesterday, my friend Kik from Chachoengsao came to Bangkok. I agreed to meet her at Siam. My cousin Gook would join us later.

It was Kik’s first time to Siam Square and all the shopping centres. When I met her, she was at Siam station. She was standing by the 7-11 store which was probably the only thing familiar to her and gazing fearfully at the skytrain she had just left. She had been crying because she’d never been to downtown Bangkok before and was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to find her friends in such a big city.

“Well, why didn’t you phone me then?” I asked.

“Oh, Pi Ben…cannot!” she wailed. “Kik is afraid that Pi Ben is with his girlfriend and she will be angry with me! Perhaps she does something bad to Kik…Pi Ben, Kik want to pee!”

I took her to the toilets in Siam Paragon and she gazed wide-eyed at all the glittering window displays. Then we went to meet Gook at the rather more down-market MBK centre. We went to the food court on the 5th floor. Kik could bear it no longer. She dug out her mobile phone and started ringing her friends.

“Noi, Noi! I’m at MBK in Bangkok!” she burst out. “Yes sir! It’s so very high-so mark mark! Farangs everywhere…”

This evening, my cousin Bow asked me to help her with her course work. She had taped herself interviewing farangs on what they thought of Thailand for her project and she couldn’t make out what they had said. I told her to send me the sound file via msn messenger. The tapescript was funny. It made me realize why some farangs had such a hard time here in Thailand. When they spoke to her, they made no effort to slow down or simplify their speech.

Bow (reading slowly from her prepared text): Excuse me, please. Do you have five minutes?
(Man with strong east London accent). Yes.
Bow: My name is Bow. I am doing an interview project on how feel about Thailand. What is your name?
(Man with strong east London accent) Uh, David.
Bow: What are you from?
David: Uh, I’m from London, England.
Bow: How long have you been in Thailand?
David: Uh, eighteen months?
Bow: How many times have you come to Thailand?
David: Well, bout four times, I think. Yeah, I think four times.
Bow: The first time why did you come?
David: Uh, holiday, I think.
Bow: What about this time?
David: Umm I’m studying.
Bow: What are you interested in most about Thailand?
David: Umm oooooh erm…(pause) erm Buddhism aaaand the food…everything! Weather…lots of things.
Bow: What about other thing?
David: Sorry?
Bow: What about other thing?
David: Other things. Ummm I don’t know…my wife huh, alcohol…er…what else? What else is there? Just relaxing really.
Bow: Before you come, what’s your idea about Thailand?
David: I thought it wouldn’t be as developed. I thought it would be…no roads and nothing…but this was years ago…well, I came here eight years ago and now there’s roads and you know…things. I didn’t think it’d be as developed as it is. It’s very developed…
Bow: How about now?
David: What do I think about it? Erm..(pause) Sorry, can you ask the question again? What was the question? Start again…
Bow: (confused) Before you come…uh and now…uh
David: Oh right! So what I…sorry..(long pause) Oh, what do I think about it now? Oh right! Well, I think it’s great. Has everything here that I want, erm…nice like I say, nice weather, good entertainment everything…I can…a lot more relaxed here…than in London…so…
Bow: How long will you be here?
David: Uh ‘til I finish my degree, I think… three more years maybe…but then I might stay, I dunno.
Bow: Do you think you will come back again?
David: Yeah.
Bow: It’s been very nice speaking to you. Bye bye.

7 January
One of the many things that Thai are obsessed with is “high-so” and “lo-so”. (High class and low class). The other day, one of my students told me that she liked men with tattoos.

I was rather surprised. This girl was of the “old school” Thais. She always dressed modestly, believed in sex after marriage, didn’t drink or smoke etc. She admired the British accent because it was “more hi-so than American” and in general, seemed to be a fairly bright girl. Now what was all this?

“Why do you like men with tattoos?” I asked.

“Because it is hi-so,” she answered.

I was even more surprised. “Hi-so? How is it hi-so? Do you know anyone hi-so who has a tattoo?”

“Yes, Eminem!” she replied earnestly. “And David Beckham….”

3 January
I woke up late, had breakfast late and then had lunch late. I hate getting up late. Tonight, I’m going to set my alarm. Today was a pretty uneventful day. Mina sulked a bit because we didn’t argue.

At five, I went to Thong Lor to teach Luke. It was an easy lesson. We sat by his garden pond on a little wooden pier and went over his homework. Then his mother gave me money and a rather classy looking little gift bag.

“A new year present from Luke,” she smiled.

Inside was a boxed set of Dolce and Gabbana tie, cuff links and handkerchief. Teaching in Thailand can be a very rewarding experience, I have found.

1 January
First day of the year in Bangkok. The city is unusually quiet, cool and clean – half the population have gone back home to the provinces for the holiday. The roads are blissfully traffic jam free. If only Bangkok were always like this…

I noticed in my diary that Luke, my seven year old student from Thong Lor is due to have a class. I rang his mother to confirm that he really was willing to study on New Year’s day.

“Oh, it’s up to you,” she said. “Do you want to come?”

“I don’t mind. I’m not doing anything today. Does Luke want to study today?”

“I just ask him. Luke! Do you want to study with Mr Ben today? Yes? Ok, he wants to study. Can you come at five o’clock?”

If only all children were consulted before having private lessons…

29 December
I woke up at 7.30 and prepared to go to teach at Thong Lor. Yesterday, my school rang to tell me that I was to teach there. But when I rang my student’s mother, she told me that the school had got it all wrong. The next class wasn’t until after the new year. Thankfully, I ate a leisurely breakfast and decided what to do with my free day.

I lunched at Pi Baby’s café. Mario the Italian was there. He looked up morosely as I entered.

“So,” he said. “I have four days off – and I don’t know what I’m going to do. If I go out of this soi then I will have to spend money. My girlfriend is stay with me. She is crazy about shopping. Always she spend, spend, spend. But it is all her money – I don’t spend for her. But you know the girls they like a man to spend his money on them. It is the only way a girl can appreciate you…”

I nodded in sympathy. “Yes, you’re quite right,” I said, glancing across at Mina. “Take my girlfriend, for example. Always everyday, I have to spend at least 20 baht on her…”

“Don’t say it!” interrupted Mina, her dark eyes flashing. “Always I pay for you. It’s MY money! Yesterday, I sent one thousand on you. I bought you a shirt, when we went to Krabi, I paid for that 5 star hotel…”

“It’s a lot of money,” continued Mario. “I remember, I go back to visit my girlfriend in London. She want to eat at this restaurant, Chinese restaurant. We eat duck, you know. And she want to order a whole duck and the bill it thirty-eight pounds! THIRTY-EIGHT pounds! Unbelievable. And of course I have to pay the bill. Thirty-eight pounds…”

“I think I’m going back to America,” said Mina, stamping her foot. “People there appreciate me. I’m tired of Thailand and Thai people…”

“It’s completely crazy,” said Mario. “I mean, you just leave this soi and…puffff! You spend one thousand baht…”

I left the two of them to it and returned to my apartment.

In the evening, Mina and I had dinner at the British Club. We were treated to some Thai style service. I ordered a jacket potato, salad and beans. When my order came, the jacket potato had been magically changed into beans on toast.

After some time spent explaining to the confused looking waiter, my order was taken away to be changed. While we were waiting for the replacement, Mina’s order arrived. She had asked for the vegetarian pizza. It turned out to be the strangest looking pizza we’d ever seen. After a few mouthfuls, she discovered that it was Sweet Fried Chicken Curry on Pizza.

While Mina went to the toilet to vomit (she is allergic to meat), I remonstrated with our waiter.

“Oh,” he said, looking bewildered. “I didn’t know that she was a vegetarian!”

Like many Thais, he’d obviously thought that vegetarian food was “mai aroi” and had kindly decided to change her order for something more palatable. I could just imagine the scene in the kitchens as he discussed our order with the chef.

“He’s ordered jacket potato. Well that’s not going to be nice. Let’s change it to beans on toast. She says she wants vegetarian pizza. Urgh! Give her the fermented fish som dum…it’s my favourite. What? We’re out of fermented fish? Hmmmm how about dumping some nice chicken curry on the pizza base instead…”

28 December
Today is Friday and my parents came to Bangkok for the day. I took Mina to meet them at the British Club. We had lunch together and Mina lost no time in telling them that I was a no-good, jow chew who would stick his nong chai into any girl without a tail etc. It was a pleasant change to hear her saying all this to someone other than myself for a change. We went home in an amiable mood and did not argue until after my evening students had left. It was a good day.

26 December
Today I taught two evening lessons. Mina and I did not go anywhere during the day and so Mina soon became bored and, during the late afternoon, started to think about her favourite activity – arguing.

“I think I’m going to go back to Pattani,” she announced. “I’m sick and tired of arguing with you. All you can think about is other girls. Any girl. No matter if she is ugly or beautiful. It’s like, oh this girl has no tail – I will put my nong chai into her…”

I held up my hand to stop her before she got too carried away. “Mina,” I said patiently. “I’m getting old. I’m going to be 32 next month. I haven’t got time to listen to other people. I don’t like to listen, I like to talk. Now I need to go and eat because I have a class soon. Do you want to join me?”

“No, I don’t want to join you! I’m not hungry. And I don’t want to eat with a jowchew good-for-nothing etc…”

I went to Pi Baby’s. While I was eating, Mina sent me a text message saying she was catching the 9pm flight to Pattani, that she was never going to see me again, and that she wished me luck with my future girlfriend.

I finished my meal and returned to my apartment. It was nearly time for my student to arrive. Mina was still there, looking pleased with herself. Two large suitcases stood waiting near the door.

“No, I’m NOT going to change my mind!” she declared. “When I walk out of this room, you’re never going to see me again! You can be happy with all you kiks…”

I interrupted. “You’ve forgotten to pack your jewelry,” I pointed out.

She started to tell me that she didn’t want it, that I could give it all to my future girlfriends when there was a knock on the door and my student entered.

“Good evening!” he smiled.

“Good evening, Simon,” I said. “Mina, this is Simon my student. Simon, this is Mina my girlfriend.”

Simon shook her hand and then eyed the two suitcases by the door. His smile widened. “You are leaving?” he enquired.

Mina and I looked at each other and laughed. “Shall I tell him?” asked Mina.

“Yes, tell him,” I said. “In English!”

The coffin house, night and day...

25 December
Today is Christmas day. Ok, so you knew that anyway! This morning we gave breakfast to the monks. It was the final thing of my grandmother’s funeral. It has taken seven days. Seven exhausting days. I think the western way is better.

The last breakfast was finished off by my uncle and aunt giving money to the monks – which is forbidden by the laws set down by the Buddha – but was accepted nevertheless.

Mina came today. She told me that she was happy to see me, that she was glad that I was such a nice, good and handsome boyfriend etc. In short, the opposite of what she usually says. I don’t know what has possessed her to come out with such sweet words – but I rather suspect that that it won’t last long!

21 December
Today I taught Amy in the morning. She and her family are going to Italy for Christmas so I shall have some days off. Perhaps I will go to Koh Samet for a few days. But first, I must attend my grandmother’s funeral this Monday.

After I had taught Amy, I had lunch at Pi Baby’s café and met John, an ex-pat from East London. He had recently split up from his Thai girlfriend of six years and was still feeling aggrieved about it.

“You know what?” he said as he sipped at his water. “Lots of people like to go on about the Thai culture of “Mai pen rai” but I tell you, most of the time it’s just sheer apathy! You miss the bus – mai pen rai. Some poor geezer gets run over on a motorbike – mai pen rai. Somebody’s getting beaten up – mai pen rai…none of our business. I mean, we British are an interfering people. Sometimes that can be bad – but sometimes it can be good as well."