24 March
I have just come back from spending four days on Koh Samet with my family. It was a fantastic four days of sea, sun, sand and good food. Despite seven of us going, we didn’t argue once. We are all sunburnt and feel very good for it. No doubt my Thai students will be shocked though. “Mr Ben, you are so dark! Not nice na…”

19 March
Today I taught at the school in Thong Lor. My “class” consisted of one girl. She was 23 years old, tall, white skinned and beautiful. Her spoken English was very good and her written English was very bad. Last time I’d taught her, she’d told me that she didn’t want to go to Australia because she was afraid of Europe. It was “too big”.

Today, we were learning simple past tense.

“What did you do yesterday?” I asked.

She fiddled with her pencil.

“What did I do yesterday?” she repeated.

“Yes,” I said pleasantly. “What did you do yesterday?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“Erm, well. Because we are practicing the past tense.”

And I pointed to the examples in the open book in front of her.

“Oh. Yesterday I wake up and then I do something secret….”


Next was describing people.

“What does your mother look like?” I asked.

“What does my mother look like?” she repeated.

“Yes, what does your mother look like?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because…we are practicing describing people.”

And I pointed to the examples in the open book in front of her.

“Oh…I don’t know. I can’t remember.”

Chinese Viagra

12 March
Today I taught Amy, my 8 year old student from Harrow. Her mother was delighted to see me.

“My husband has just come back from London,” she smiled and handed me a plate of biscuits. “From Marks and Spencers,” she said.

Amy waited until her mother had left the room and then beckoned me closer.

“I have something to tell you,” she said mysteriously.

“What?” I asked, rather predictably.

“Some of the pupils at Harrow in the sixth form are girlfriend and boyfriend!” she confided.

“Wow, really! That’s so naughty!” I said, feeling rather like Nong Oom. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Urgh! No way! Boys are so yucky. I like to have a girlfriend.”

After the class, I went to eat dinner at Pi Baby’s café. I met a Taiwanese-American from New York called Bruce.

“Do you live here?” I asked. “Or are you just on holiday?”

“No, I live here. We have a business here. We buy jeans and sell them on the internet to folks back home.”

“How is it?” I asked.

“Yeah, pretty good. Been here doing it for just over a year now. It’s pretty cool because you get to work from home but you gotta be self disciplined though. Where you from?”

“England.”

“Oh ok. Which part?”

“Cornwall. Do you know it?”

“Yeah, been there once. Pretty wild huh?”

He took a foil packet out of his pocket and tried to stuff it into his bag. He caught me looking and laughed a little guiltily.

“Chinese Viagra,” he explained and showed it to me. “It’s for a friend of mine!” he added quickly. “Just come back from a business trip to China and bought a load of the stuff.”

He thrust the packet at me. “Here, you want it? Still got a tablet left. It’s not magic. It won’t give you unlimited hard-ons but it, you know, really gets the job done. It’ll like give you one long helleva rocket that’ll impress her! It’s for, you know, when you wanna show a girl just how tough you are! Take it about an hour before cos it’s not instant.”

10 March
Today is another day off. I woke up early and did my washing. It was a very hot morning and at about 10.30 it started to rain. I lunched at Pi Baby’s Café. Mario was there.

“I hate Thai TV,” he told me. “It is stupid, childish. Only four channels in my room. All Thai stations. It is too much.”

9 March
I met Nong Oom at Pi Baby’s Cafe. She has changed her fingernails again. They are now black. Her face was flushed with triumph and excitement.

“Pi Ben! Pi Ben! Do you remember that Swedish man I met on the skytrain? Well, I met him today for lunch at Fuji. Very hi-so. Nong Oom eat lots and lots of Japanese food and cost over two thousand baht. Daniel he pay for everything! I told you he very rich na! I ask him if he has car Benz and he said yes! I think I am going to ask him for a salary. I have already told him that I am virgin…”

The Essex Boy glanced up from his table. His face was amused. “You a virgin?” he asked in Thai. He stabbed a finger at his broad chest “Nee pen virgin doi.”

Nong Oom laughed delightedly. “Oooh! You speak Thai! Narak mark mark! Which country are you from, please?”

“England,” said the Essex Boy.

“England? Why do you sound different from Pi Ben then? Pi Ben is from England.”

“Well,” said the Essex Boy modestly. “I’m from Essex so my accent is different from Ben’s. It’s like I’m from Isan and he’s from Bangkok, see?”

“I prefer American to England,” said Nong Oom politely. “I think American more narak and clever than England.”

The Essex Boy put down his beer and looked at her.

“Ever been to America?” he asked.

“No,” said Nong Oom. “Just Taiwan.”

“Well, I have,” said the Essex Boy in Thai. “Been to Texas, Kansas, worked in North Carolina, been to New York – dirty place, that was! Stayed in Boston, went to California, Washington, Virginia…seen a fair bit of the place. And you know what? Course you get nice Americans but most of em are ignorant, up-their-own-arses fuckers. They think that, you know, the United States of America is this wonderful thing and everyone wants to be one of them. Well, guess what? They don’t!”

“Oh,” said Nong Oom. She looked at him for a while, her face serious. Then she turned to me and lowered her voice.

“Is he rich, Pi Ben?” she asked.

“Yes, very!” I said. “He has two Mercedes and three pairs of Diesel trainers back in England.”

Nong Oom’s mouth dropped open and her eyes opened wide. “Wow!” she said. “Naruk mark mark!”

“The Americans like to go on about their sport,” said the Essex Boy, warming to his theme. “But, I ask you, who plays American football outside the States? Whereas we invented soccer…and, I mean…” He waved a hand at his beer. “Everyone plays it. Who else plays baseball, ice hockey?”

“Mr Essex Boy,” said Nong Oom, respectfully. “Do you like to shoot a gun?”

“Do I like to shoot a gun?” The Essex Boy sipped thoughtfully at his beer. “Do I like to shoot a gun? Depends who I’m talking to…”

“I like to shoot a gun!” said Nong Oom eagerly. “Very fun! Would you like to shoot a gun with me sometime? Can I have your telephone number please? Then I can phone you when I next go to shoot.”

Mario the Italian came in. His face was glum.

“It’s no good,” he said. “I have to go out of this soi. The school holiday is driving me mad. There is nothing to do and my room is very hot. Nothing on TV, just four Thai channels. I don’t understand. And if I leave this soi then I know I must spend money… Trust me, you go out of this soi and puffff! Maybe one thousand baht just gone…”

He sat down heavily. “I mean, my room. It cost me three thousand baht a month. It’s cheap but small and just a bed. I want hot water so I say to them, “Can I have hot water?” And they say it will cost me two hundred a month. That is crazy! Too expensive. So I buy my own water heater for two thousand baht and pay them four hundred baht to install…I think it is better. Save money…”


Later this evening, Nong Oom called me.

“Mr Essex Boy is very naruk,” she said. “And he is 34 so he is old and must be very respectable. I don’t think he will try to have sex with me. He is my old uncle. I will take him to the disco and pub and he will take care of me. He thinks I am clever and smart girl because I am Korea style and I know about the people from different countries.”

“That Nong Oom is a bit of a nutcase, isn’t she?” said the Essex Boy to me when I went to eat dinner. “And she’s as thick as two short planks. But her ass is alright. Basically, the only thing you can do with a girl like that is bend her over and give her one…”

“My water heater is broken,” said Mario glumly. “And the people at my apartment will not fix it because they say it is my responsibility. They are just being childish because I buy it myself. So I have to take it to Bang Na. Very far.”

6 March
Today, I got up early and went to teach Nong Luke at Thong Lor. I spent a pleasant hour playing educational games with him and then he wanted to play NitroStreet Racing on my mobile phone. While he was battling it out with other illegal racers on a virtual Tokyo highway, I went downstairs to use the toilet. When I came out, his mother handed me six hundred baht.

“Thank you very much but I only taught one hour today,” I said.

She looked surprised and glanced at her watch.

“Oh, more than one and an half hour, Mr Ben!” she protested.

“No, just one hour. But Luke wanted to play a game on my mobile phone afterwards so I let him.” And I tried to hand back two hundred baht.

She laughed at my honesty. “Oh ok no problem! You keep it! Thank you very much.”

One of my students told me yesterday that her sister in law had managed to find a new maid after the last one had walked out on her. I asked how much the new maid got.

“Five thousand a month,” said my student. “She will get one day off per month.”

“Five thousand,” I said. “That’s eighty pounds in English money! And only one day off per month! What time does she start work?”

“6am.”

“And what time does she finish?”

“About 6pm. It is a big house so lots to do.”

So a Thai maid gets the equivalent of twenty pounds a week for working 12 hour days, seven days a week. It can’t be a very pleasant job either. In the Thai soaps, maids always seem to get treated very badly by their rich employers. In real life, this is often the case too.

I remember, ten years ago, standing in a social security office in England and overhearing two men in front of me saying that it wasn’t worth working for less than two hundred pounds a week. I wonder what they would have thought if they’d been here….

1 March

I woke up early and went to teach at Thong Lor. I returned to Huay Kwang for lunch and ate at Pi Baby’s Café.

“How are your family?” she asked me.

“They’re fine thanks,” I said. “My brother is coming out here in two weeks.”

Pi Baby pricked up her ears.

“Is he handsome? Is his skin white?” she asked eagerly.

“Yes, he is very white because now it is the middle of winter in Europe.”

“Ah, I will give him my younger sister!” she said. “She is fat and very white all over. Beautiful. Just a like a movie star!”

“You’re very kind,” I said. “I will tell him that a nice fat white girl is waiting here for him.”

“I am saving her for a good man,” said Pi Baby happily. “I will not let Mr Essex Boy have her because he is too jow chew and not rich enough.”

In the evening, I helped a 24 year girl called Nong Omm complete a work application. Nong Omm described herself as “Korean style” which meant that she put on lots of white face powder, dyed her hair reddish brown and wore blue contact lenses.

“Thai men very crazy Korean style,” she told me. “I have lots of rich boyfriends who give me money. I will buy new Motorola Razr V8 (a fashion accessory which is also a fairly average mobile phone) and Nong Omm like verrrry much! Very hi-so! My boyfriend he have two Benz. One of my kik he luke krung – half Holland, half Thailand. He is television presenter. He is verrry jealous! Always ring me. “Where are you?” Nong Omm have to say “At my house!” because I am with my kik!”

She laughed happily and then her face grew serious. “But Nong Omm not like because he make me lie and it bad to lie. So I think maybe just be friends with him and not kik. But if not kik then he not give me money…hmmm.”

I picked up her application form. She was applying to work for Sony. She jabbed a finger at it. Her fingernails were painted red with white spots like the back of a ladybird

“See,” she said proudly. “My friend he already write for me. Verrrry clever, my friend. Verrrry good English, don’t you think?”

I looked at what he had written. It was very “Korean style”.

I want to work for Sony because I have good mental hygiene and trendy attitude demeaning viscous idea for lifestyle...

23 February
I woke up this morning feeling exhausted. I had breakfast and then went downstairs to fill my water container. I met Mario the Italian coming the other way.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Not too good,” I replied. “Got a slight sore throat and feel really tired.”

His face brightened. “Yes!” he said eagerly. “It is this place. Always I wake up with something wrong…. Always a little something make me feel not good. If I ever wake up feeling good then it’s halleluiah! You know, I have to save some money because I know one day, something bad is going to happen…”


24 February
Today was a good day. I got up at half six in the morning and then went straight to the British Club with Mina.

It was deserted when we arrived. The only other members present were a couple playing tennis. The water in the swimming pool was like a mirror. We lay on the sunbeds and watched the sun rise while listening to the sound of birdsong.

“It’s like having our own private villa,” said Mina and she was right.

We swam ten lengths, showered and then had a big leisurely breakfast complete with lots of good coffee, baked beans and newspapers. Then we strolled up Silom Road went shopping at Sala Dang. After an hour or so, we took the Skytrain to Au Bon Pair at Siam, drank more coffee and ate giant cookies.

After half an hour or so, my brother Michael turned up and we went shopping at MBK. I tried on a pair of jeans at a shop on the ground floor and Mina asked the shop assistant – a rather cute, button nosed girl from Korat – if she had a boyfriend.

“Yes,” said the girl from Korat. “He’s Spanish and he likes my skin dark. Actually, he wants my skin to be darker than this.”

“Are you a virgin?” asked Mina.

The girl from Korat looked surprised at the question.

“No," she said. "I’m Thai! I’m from Isen, see?”

Pi Baby in her Hi-So Cafe

21 February
Today is Makhabhucha Day – the day in which, roughly 2,600 years ago, some 1,200 enlightened monks decided spontaneously to visit the Buddha. They all arrived at the same time and gathered in the light of the full moon.

I had to teach my Harrow student at 10.30am so I hailed a taxi outside my apartment. The driver was a pleasant, middle aged man and when I first got into his cab, I was struck by the fact that pretty much the whole interior was plastered in money. The headlining, the dashboard, the A pillars, the B pillars….everywhere, in fact, except the seats and actual windows.

There were banknotes and coins of pretty much every country you could think of. There were old faded notes and shiny new coins. It was really quite extraordinary. I asked him where he got it all from.

“My customers,” he said. “I have been working as a taxi driver for 25 years and I often go to the airport. My customers give me tips and I stick their money up in here. When foreigners see all this then they usually give me more to add to my collection.”

I asked him if people ever stole the money.

“No, never. They just want to add more to it.”

He seemed a happy and contented man. He told me that he owned the car and therefore could work as often or as little as he liked. Most taxi drivers in Bangkok work for someone else and usually earn between five to seven thousand baht per month. He, however, had managed to put aside money every month over the years until at last he could afford to buy his own car outright. Now everyday he worked until he had earned 1,000 baht and then went home.

He seemed to have done very well for himself compared to most taxi drivers. He had bought his own house, sent his three children to university and now they were all in good jobs. I asked him if it was sometimes dangerous driving a taxi in Bangkok. I had heard many tales of taxi drivers been beaten and robbed. He shook his head.

“I only think about good things so I only get good things,” he said. “Yes, bad things can happen to taxi drivers during the day or night but if one always thinks about good things then one will attract good things. See, my money everywhere in my taxi. People never steal from me. They just want to give me more.”

He was good cheerful company and I was sorry when we arrived at my Harrow student’s mansion. I gave him a tip, wished him good luck and when in to do my mornings work.

Nong Amy had not got up yet. Her mother told me that everyone was still asleep and took me up to the movie room. There, I was fed coffee, fruit and biscuits and a Kylie Minogue DVD.

After a while, Amy appeared and we had the lesson. We worked on a story she was writing about a girl called Googee who lived in a castle with her dog Memama.

Presently, Amy’s mum called us to lunch. She had ordered vegetarian pizza for me from Pizza Hut. After lunch, it was time for me to go to my next student at Thong Lor.

My Thong Lor student had just returned from a weekend in Hong Kong and was anxious to show me his purchases from Toys R Us. He got out a laser gun set (Two laser guns with strap on electronic shields that flash, beep and give you a mild shock when you are hit by your opponent’s gun) and insisted on trying it out with me. I managed to convince him to wait until the end of the lesson and then we ran about the big garden, shooting at each other.

It is perhaps not every 32 year old man’s cup of tea but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. In the end, I got behind one Mercedes limousine and he got behind the other and we spent a happy time blasting away at each other until finally his electronic shield malfunctioned and refused to accept any more hits.

I decided to call it a day and took the skytrain home to my apartment. I came out of the subway station and the usually gaudily neon lit massage parlors opposite were strangely dark and silent. They were closed for Makhabhucha Day. Although Thailand often seems overwhelmingly materialistic, it is still a Buddhist country.

As I was walking to my soi, I saw the full moon hanging huge, low and yellow above skyline. It suddenly struck me that this was the very same moon that the 1,200 Enlightened monks had seen 2,600 years ago. Despite the balmy heat, I got the goosebumps and every single hair on my body stood on end.

When I got to Pi Baby’s café, I found the Essex Boy and Mario the Italian sitting down with a beer. Pi Baby’s nephew Nong Noom was sitting alone at a table behind them. He was 23 years old and had just started working in Patpong. He specialized in Asian men.

“Hello Ben,” said the Essex Boy. “You been working hard?”

“Not really,” I said, sitting down. “Just been running round shooting toy guns with an eight year old. Usual stuff and all that.”

“Good. Hey, did you hear what happened at VIP Place on Friday?” The Essex Boy leaned forward, his face serious. “Korean guy committed suicide. Hanged himself. I mean, bloody hell…”

“Wow,” I said. “He must have been depressed!”

“Yeah.” The Essex Boy added more beer to his mug. “Mind you…” A thought suddenly struck him. “Can’t say I blame him. I’d top myself if I was Korean. I mean, not much point living if you’re one of ‘em is there?”

“My students are not so bad,” said Mario gloomily. “They are sometimes a little naughty and they never listen to what I say…”

“Pi Ben, I need to improve my English,” said Nong Noom to me in Thai. “Because sometimes my customers book me in advance on the internet and I need to lie to them that I am away somewhere on business so that I don’t get a double booking by mistake. I don’t want to let my customers down. Last week, a Korean guy took me to Pattaya for three days and gave me 100,000 baht.”

Just then, his mobile phone beeped and buzzed on the table. He picked it up and frowned thoughtfully at the screen.

“Pi Ben, what does it say? It is a SMS from my Malaysian boyfriend but I don’t understand everything about the English.”

He showed me the phone. I glanced at it. It was written all in capitals.

HELLO SEXY DARLING NOW I HOSPITAL TWO DAYS BUT SEND YOU MONEY TRANFER TOMORROW LOVE DADDY

“He’s going to send you the money tomorrow,” I said.

"Ah, good," said Nong Noom and went outside for a cigarette.

“I tell you, Ben,” said the Essex Boy. “I’m getting horny sitting here and watching all this totty walking past. I think I’m gonna have to go out tonight and bag something…”

Mario slipped moodily at his beer. “It is no good,” he said sadly. “I cannot tell a joke. Not after last night.”

20 February
Early this morning, I was awoken at five o’clock by a knocking on my door. I had been dreaming about dark and cold English winters and so was slightly disorientated when I got up to open the door.

My friend Mark stood there, his face gaunt and pale.

“Ben, can I borrow your kettle a moment? I’m going to this island near Pattaya with this girl and I need some coffee!”

He stumbled into my apartment and continued. “Yeah, met her on the train. She’s really sweet…”

I was too tired and confused to listen to his latest conquest. I went back to bed and returned to my English winter while he made himself coffee and then left.

Two hours later, my alarm went off. I got up, had a big breakfast and then set off to Thong Lor to teach my student who believed that Australia was part of Europe.

I took the subway to Sukhamvit, changed to the skytrain and rode it two stops to Thong Lor and then had a pleasant stroll to the school. Thong Lor is one of the few streets in Bangkok which is actually nice to walk along. For a start, it actually has clean pavements (or sidewalks, if you prefer them) that are worth walking along and blissfully motorbike free. There are also quite a few trees to provide shade.

When I was halfway to the school, I received a phone call to tell me that my student had called in sick but that they would pay me for the first hour anyway. I went shopping instead.

One of the nice things about Thailand, I mused agreeably, is that you can get paid for simply having a nice morning…

18 February
The last four days, I have been at Koh Samet with Mina. We had a wonderful time. Four blissful days of white sands, warms seas, hot sun and good food. There were even half decent waves to bodysurf.

We stayed in a lovely little rustic “village” consisting of three wooden hobbit like huts set around a miniature village green with streams and even a small waterfall. It was a fantastic place. All the furnishings inside were made of beach driftwood, doors were two halves of ancient tree trunks, weathered from months spent floating around in the sea. It was, however, an extremely comfortable place with a flushing toilet and hot shower. The wooden thatched roof meant that it was pleasantly cool compared to most modern Thai bungalows.

Warning sign on Koh Samet

13 February
Today I got up early and caught the skytrain to Thong Lor. I had a new class at my school.

My new “class” consisted of one girl. She was 23 years old, tall, white skinned and beautiful. Her spoken English was very good and her written English was very bad. She told me that she liked watching movies and going shopping.

“Your accent is very good,” I encouraged. “Have you ever been abroad?”

She smiled and nodded which, among Asians, usually means that they don’t understand.

“Have you ever been to America?” I asked.

She shuddered. “Oh no! Too big. Dangerous!”

“Have you ever been to Australia?”

She shuddered again. “Oh no! I’ve never been to Europe! Don’t want to. Too big. Dangerous.”

After the lesson, I took the skytrain to Silom where I played table tennis with a middle aged Thai businessman who turned out to be an ex government official.

In the evening, I met up with Mina and we had dinner together. After, as we came out onto Silom Road, we saw an old beggar hobbling slowly and painfully along the pavement with the aid of a crooked walking stick.

“Ben! Look at that poor beggar!” said Mina. “I feel very sorry for him.”

Just then, another beggar who was crouching in a doorway called out jeeringly to the old man with the stick.

“Ho! So you’re walking bent over with a stick today! You’re clever huh? Guess you’ve made lots of money today hey?”

“What business is it of yours?” demanded the old man straightening upright and suddenly appearing much younger. “How about you? Got our arms back today, have we? Seems that yesterday when I saw you, you had your arms stuck inside your shirt and was pretending that you didn’t have any! Well, guess that trick didn’t work, huh?”

11 February
Today I awoke at 5.30am and went to teach at the temple school at Chachoengsao. I returned to Bangkok on the afternoon train. I had coffee and cakes with Mina and my friend Mark in my apartment. Mina wanted Mark to listen to the Backstreet Boys.

“They have a song “Incomplete”. Do you know it?” she asked.

Mark gulped his coffee and checked his watch. “No, I don’t know it. I have to go!” He stood up and I noticed that a glazed look had come over his face. “I said I’d meet Noi at five in Silom…and it’s nearly four o’clock now!”

“Mark! You must listen! I will play it from the internet…”

“Gotta go,” muttered Mark as he went out of the door. “Meeting her at five…”

Mina didn’t like men walking out on her. “Mark!” she called after him. “If you don’t stay and listen, I will tell Nong Noi that you had sex with her!”

But Mark had already gone.

2 February
Today I return to my diary after a weeks absence. My friend Mark from England has arrived and I have been busy. On the second day in Bangkok, he spotted a university student in a café and got Mina to ask for her mobile number. Since then, he has been going around with a slightly vacant, crazed and harassed look in his eye.

“Ben! Mina! I’m late! I said that I’d meet her at Siam at one thirty…and it’s now twelve! I haven’t got time for lunch…”

“Mark, I thought you agreed to come and meet my Harrow student’s mum. She’s expecting you. She wants to practice her English. Perhaps she’ll buy you a flat in Mayfair if you play your cards right…”

“Ben, I can’t!” His gaunt face wore a hunted expression. “I don’t know which shoes to wear with these trousers….these brown loafers or these trendy black ones….” His face suddenly brightened as a happy thought struck him.

“Ben! I’m gonna give her a good seeing to! She’s got a great figure….well, at least I think so. She was wearing this long baggy thing last time so I couldn’t really tell. But she definitely wasn’t thin. And she’s a good height….”

I left him to it and went to Pi Baby’s café for lunch. The Essex Boy was there with Mario the Italian. The Essex Boy was doing the talking and Mario was looking depressed.

“How’s long a piece of string? I can tell you. Exactly the same length if you cut it in the middle! I’m telling you, Mario! Wherever we are, wherever we find ourselves – we’ve arrived – in that exact spot!”

“Doesn’t make any difference,” said Mario glumly. “I just fed up with Thailand and Thai girls. Always spend, spend, spend my money. I tell you, it’s not cheap living here in Thailand…”

“Mario my man, if you’re STILL thinking those kinda thoughts then you’re obviously not drinking enough. You need to drink more and think less. Go out and get another bird. Have another beer, mate. Get some vitamins into you…”

“I need to make a phone call,” said Mario and stood up. He went out of the café into the street. The Essex Boy turned to me.

“Bloody ‘ell, Ben. Haven’t a sharp knife handy, have you? Cos think am gonna slit my throat. Talking to Mario always makes me feel so cheerful…”