29 March
Today I went to teach at Thong Lor again. It was a fearfully hot day – over 40 degrees so I was glad when I reached my air conditioned classroom. I taught for an hour and then returned to Huay Kwang for lunch.

I went to Pi Baby’s café. Mario the Italian with there chatting to the Essex Boy, Mango and Pi Baby.

Mario was looking glum.

“I put the money in the washing machine,” he said. “And the washing machine, she won’t work so I waste my money…”

“He kisses like a cow,” Mango was telling Pi Baby. “I don’t think he’ll make a good boyfriend…”

“Work,” the Essex Boy said. “I’ve always thought it was over rated…”

“Could I have Gang Kew Wan?” I said and sat down.

In the afternoon, I went to the motor show at Bang Na with my brother, my Harrow student and her family.

My brother in pensive mood

26 March
Today I woke up at 7.30 to find Mina in a good mood, refreshed after the invigorating argument of last night.

“Did you sleep well?” she asked.

“Very,” I said. “Did you wake up at five o’clock?”

“Yes, of course. I always wake up at five.”

“Well, why didn’t you get up then?”

“Because I didn’t feel to get up. I felt lazy.”

With that, she jumped up and proceeded to wipe the floor. She then set up the ironing board and ironed all my clothes while I ate breakfast.

I watched her suspiciously as I sipped my tea. Such good behaviour was usually a prelude to one of her arguments.

She finished the last shirt, unplugged the iron and then turned to me with a satisfied air.

“You haven’t always been truthful to me,” she began and I held up a hand.

“Later,” I said. “I’m late for work and I have a full day ahead. Save it for tomorrow or the weekend.”

Her small dark face reddened with rage. “There!” she burst out. “There you go again! Always telling me that you have to go and work hard to support me while I stay here at home and do nothing! How do you thing I feel, huh? You’re always trying to make me feel bad! Well, listen…”

“I have to go,” I said and drained the last of the tea from my cup. “I have to go and work hard so I will have enough money to feed you. It’s not easy, you know…”

“Have a good day,” she told me and kissed me goodbye. “Enjoy your class and don’t have sex with your students na.”

25 March
Today I got up early and went to teach at my student at Thong Lor. My class was at 10am and I arrived at 9.45. The weather was very hot so I got myself a cold drink and then sat and relaxed in the cool air conditioned classroom.

10 o’clock came but still no student. There was no lesson to prepare as it was an English conversation class and there was already a book in front of me. This kind of work is probably the easiest in the world. I got out my mobile phone and tried out a new racing game that I had downloaded free off the internet.

10.15. Still no student. I went to reception to see if there was any news. There was nobody at the desk. I returned to my air conditioned classroom and continued with my game. I won two races and unlocked the next level which meant that I could now upgrade my Ford Mustang to a Lamborghini.

10.30. I returned to reception. Nong Sar was there. She smiled placidly at me as I approached.

“Any news of my student?” I asked.

“No, Mr Ben. I will ring her and find out where she is.”

She picked up the phone and dialed a number.

“Hello, Khun Sawataporn? This is Thong Lor Language School na. Are you coming to school today? No? Are you coming tomorrow? Ok, bye then.”

She put down the phone and smiled at me.

“She says that she got up late. She will be here tomorrow. Strange that she didn’t bother to let us know that she wasn’t coming. Thai people are lazy, no? Nevermind, Mr Ben. You will be paid for the full two hours anyway…”

I left the school smiling to myself. I had been paid 700 baht for spending 30 minutes playing a game on my mobile phone. Thailand can be a wonderfully relaxing place to work.

In the evening, Mina started talking about the good old days when we would argue all the time about everything.

“It’s all your fault!” she told me. “Before, you were jowchew…there was lots to argue about. I remember how when I went back to Pattani and you were with that girl…”

As the memories came flooding back, she became more and more angry. She started to shout, accuse me of all sorts of things. Finally, she threw her mobile phone across the room in a rage, punched the wardrobe door a few times (I have no idea what it had done to annoy her, being pretty sure that it had never gone off with another girl!) and then settled down.

“I’m tired now,” she said. “I’m going to take a shower and then I want to sleep. I'm going to get up at five tomorrow.”

24 March
I have just come back from spending four days on Koh Samet with my family. It was a fantastic four days of sea, sun, sand and good food. Despite seven of us going, we didn’t argue once. We are all sunburnt and feel very good for it. No doubt my Thai students will be shocked though. “Mr Ben, you are so dark! Not nice na…”

19 March
Today I taught at the school in Thong Lor. My “class” consisted of one girl. She was 23 years old, tall, white skinned and beautiful. Her spoken English was very good and her written English was very bad. Last time I’d taught her, she’d told me that she didn’t want to go to Australia because she was afraid of Europe. It was “too big”.

Today, we were learning simple past tense.

“What did you do yesterday?” I asked.

She fiddled with her pencil.

“What did I do yesterday?” she repeated.

“Yes,” I said pleasantly. “What did you do yesterday?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“Erm, well. Because we are practicing the past tense.”

And I pointed to the examples in the open book in front of her.

“Oh. Yesterday I wake up and then I do something secret….”


Next was describing people.

“What does your mother look like?” I asked.

“What does my mother look like?” she repeated.

“Yes, what does your mother look like?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because…we are practicing describing people.”

And I pointed to the examples in the open book in front of her.

“Oh…I don’t know. I can’t remember.”

Chinese Viagra

12 March
Today I taught Amy, my 8 year old student from Harrow. Her mother was delighted to see me.

“My husband has just come back from London,” she smiled and handed me a plate of biscuits. “From Marks and Spencers,” she said.

Amy waited until her mother had left the room and then beckoned me closer.

“I have something to tell you,” she said mysteriously.

“What?” I asked, rather predictably.

“Some of the pupils at Harrow in the sixth form are girlfriend and boyfriend!” she confided.

“Wow, really! That’s so naughty!” I said, feeling rather like Nong Oom. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Urgh! No way! Boys are so yucky. I like to have a girlfriend.”

After the class, I went to eat dinner at Pi Baby’s café. I met a Taiwanese-American from New York called Bruce.

“Do you live here?” I asked. “Or are you just on holiday?”

“No, I live here. We have a business here. We buy jeans and sell them on the internet to folks back home.”

“How is it?” I asked.

“Yeah, pretty good. Been here doing it for just over a year now. It’s pretty cool because you get to work from home but you gotta be self disciplined though. Where you from?”

“England.”

“Oh ok. Which part?”

“Cornwall. Do you know it?”

“Yeah, been there once. Pretty wild huh?”

He took a foil packet out of his pocket and tried to stuff it into his bag. He caught me looking and laughed a little guiltily.

“Chinese Viagra,” he explained and showed it to me. “It’s for a friend of mine!” he added quickly. “Just come back from a business trip to China and bought a load of the stuff.”

He thrust the packet at me. “Here, you want it? Still got a tablet left. It’s not magic. It won’t give you unlimited hard-ons but it, you know, really gets the job done. It’ll like give you one long helleva rocket that’ll impress her! It’s for, you know, when you wanna show a girl just how tough you are! Take it about an hour before cos it’s not instant.”

10 March
Today is another day off. I woke up early and did my washing. It was a very hot morning and at about 10.30 it started to rain. I lunched at Pi Baby’s Café. Mario was there.

“I hate Thai TV,” he told me. “It is stupid, childish. Only four channels in my room. All Thai stations. It is too much.”

9 March
I met Nong Oom at Pi Baby’s Cafe. She has changed her fingernails again. They are now black. Her face was flushed with triumph and excitement.

“Pi Ben! Pi Ben! Do you remember that Swedish man I met on the skytrain? Well, I met him today for lunch at Fuji. Very hi-so. Nong Oom eat lots and lots of Japanese food and cost over two thousand baht. Daniel he pay for everything! I told you he very rich na! I ask him if he has car Benz and he said yes! I think I am going to ask him for a salary. I have already told him that I am virgin…”

The Essex Boy glanced up from his table. His face was amused. “You a virgin?” he asked in Thai. He stabbed a finger at his broad chest “Nee pen virgin doi.”

Nong Oom laughed delightedly. “Oooh! You speak Thai! Narak mark mark! Which country are you from, please?”

“England,” said the Essex Boy.

“England? Why do you sound different from Pi Ben then? Pi Ben is from England.”

“Well,” said the Essex Boy modestly. “I’m from Essex so my accent is different from Ben’s. It’s like I’m from Isan and he’s from Bangkok, see?”

“I prefer American to England,” said Nong Oom politely. “I think American more narak and clever than England.”

The Essex Boy put down his beer and looked at her.

“Ever been to America?” he asked.

“No,” said Nong Oom. “Just Taiwan.”

“Well, I have,” said the Essex Boy in Thai. “Been to Texas, Kansas, worked in North Carolina, been to New York – dirty place, that was! Stayed in Boston, went to California, Washington, Virginia…seen a fair bit of the place. And you know what? Course you get nice Americans but most of em are ignorant, up-their-own-arses fuckers. They think that, you know, the United States of America is this wonderful thing and everyone wants to be one of them. Well, guess what? They don’t!”

“Oh,” said Nong Oom. She looked at him for a while, her face serious. Then she turned to me and lowered her voice.

“Is he rich, Pi Ben?” she asked.

“Yes, very!” I said. “He has two Mercedes and three pairs of Diesel trainers back in England.”

Nong Oom’s mouth dropped open and her eyes opened wide. “Wow!” she said. “Naruk mark mark!”

“The Americans like to go on about their sport,” said the Essex Boy, warming to his theme. “But, I ask you, who plays American football outside the States? Whereas we invented soccer…and, I mean…” He waved a hand at his beer. “Everyone plays it. Who else plays baseball, ice hockey?”

“Mr Essex Boy,” said Nong Oom, respectfully. “Do you like to shoot a gun?”

“Do I like to shoot a gun?” The Essex Boy sipped thoughtfully at his beer. “Do I like to shoot a gun? Depends who I’m talking to…”

“I like to shoot a gun!” said Nong Oom eagerly. “Very fun! Would you like to shoot a gun with me sometime? Can I have your telephone number please? Then I can phone you when I next go to shoot.”

Mario the Italian came in. His face was glum.

“It’s no good,” he said. “I have to go out of this soi. The school holiday is driving me mad. There is nothing to do and my room is very hot. Nothing on TV, just four Thai channels. I don’t understand. And if I leave this soi then I know I must spend money… Trust me, you go out of this soi and puffff! Maybe one thousand baht just gone…”

He sat down heavily. “I mean, my room. It cost me three thousand baht a month. It’s cheap but small and just a bed. I want hot water so I say to them, “Can I have hot water?” And they say it will cost me two hundred a month. That is crazy! Too expensive. So I buy my own water heater for two thousand baht and pay them four hundred baht to install…I think it is better. Save money…”


Later this evening, Nong Oom called me.

“Mr Essex Boy is very naruk,” she said. “And he is 34 so he is old and must be very respectable. I don’t think he will try to have sex with me. He is my old uncle. I will take him to the disco and pub and he will take care of me. He thinks I am clever and smart girl because I am Korea style and I know about the people from different countries.”

“That Nong Oom is a bit of a nutcase, isn’t she?” said the Essex Boy to me when I went to eat dinner. “And she’s as thick as two short planks. But her ass is alright. Basically, the only thing you can do with a girl like that is bend her over and give her one…”

“My water heater is broken,” said Mario glumly. “And the people at my apartment will not fix it because they say it is my responsibility. They are just being childish because I buy it myself. So I have to take it to Bang Na. Very far.”

6 March
Today, I got up early and went to teach Nong Luke at Thong Lor. I spent a pleasant hour playing educational games with him and then he wanted to play NitroStreet Racing on my mobile phone. While he was battling it out with other illegal racers on a virtual Tokyo highway, I went downstairs to use the toilet. When I came out, his mother handed me six hundred baht.

“Thank you very much but I only taught one hour today,” I said.

She looked surprised and glanced at her watch.

“Oh, more than one and an half hour, Mr Ben!” she protested.

“No, just one hour. But Luke wanted to play a game on my mobile phone afterwards so I let him.” And I tried to hand back two hundred baht.

She laughed at my honesty. “Oh ok no problem! You keep it! Thank you very much.”

One of my students told me yesterday that her sister in law had managed to find a new maid after the last one had walked out on her. I asked how much the new maid got.

“Five thousand a month,” said my student. “She will get one day off per month.”

“Five thousand,” I said. “That’s eighty pounds in English money! And only one day off per month! What time does she start work?”

“6am.”

“And what time does she finish?”

“About 6pm. It is a big house so lots to do.”

So a Thai maid gets the equivalent of twenty pounds a week for working 12 hour days, seven days a week. It can’t be a very pleasant job either. In the Thai soaps, maids always seem to get treated very badly by their rich employers. In real life, this is often the case too.

I remember, ten years ago, standing in a social security office in England and overhearing two men in front of me saying that it wasn’t worth working for less than two hundred pounds a week. I wonder what they would have thought if they’d been here….

1 March

I woke up early and went to teach at Thong Lor. I returned to Huay Kwang for lunch and ate at Pi Baby’s Café.

“How are your family?” she asked me.

“They’re fine thanks,” I said. “My brother is coming out here in two weeks.”

Pi Baby pricked up her ears.

“Is he handsome? Is his skin white?” she asked eagerly.

“Yes, he is very white because now it is the middle of winter in Europe.”

“Ah, I will give him my younger sister!” she said. “She is fat and very white all over. Beautiful. Just a like a movie star!”

“You’re very kind,” I said. “I will tell him that a nice fat white girl is waiting here for him.”

“I am saving her for a good man,” said Pi Baby happily. “I will not let Mr Essex Boy have her because he is too jow chew and not rich enough.”

In the evening, I helped a 24 year girl called Nong Omm complete a work application. Nong Omm described herself as “Korean style” which meant that she put on lots of white face powder, dyed her hair reddish brown and wore blue contact lenses.

“Thai men very crazy Korean style,” she told me. “I have lots of rich boyfriends who give me money. I will buy new Motorola Razr V8 (a fashion accessory which is also a fairly average mobile phone) and Nong Omm like verrrry much! Very hi-so! My boyfriend he have two Benz. One of my kik he luke krung – half Holland, half Thailand. He is television presenter. He is verrry jealous! Always ring me. “Where are you?” Nong Omm have to say “At my house!” because I am with my kik!”

She laughed happily and then her face grew serious. “But Nong Omm not like because he make me lie and it bad to lie. So I think maybe just be friends with him and not kik. But if not kik then he not give me money…hmmm.”

I picked up her application form. She was applying to work for Sony. She jabbed a finger at it. Her fingernails were painted red with white spots like the back of a ladybird

“See,” she said proudly. “My friend he already write for me. Verrrry clever, my friend. Verrrry good English, don’t you think?”

I looked at what he had written. It was very “Korean style”.

I want to work for Sony because I have good mental hygiene and trendy attitude demeaning viscous idea for lifestyle...

23 February
I woke up this morning feeling exhausted. I had breakfast and then went downstairs to fill my water container. I met Mario the Italian coming the other way.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Not too good,” I replied. “Got a slight sore throat and feel really tired.”

His face brightened. “Yes!” he said eagerly. “It is this place. Always I wake up with something wrong…. Always a little something make me feel not good. If I ever wake up feeling good then it’s halleluiah! You know, I have to save some money because I know one day, something bad is going to happen…”


24 February
Today was a good day. I got up at half six in the morning and then went straight to the British Club with Mina.

It was deserted when we arrived. The only other members present were a couple playing tennis. The water in the swimming pool was like a mirror. We lay on the sunbeds and watched the sun rise while listening to the sound of birdsong.

“It’s like having our own private villa,” said Mina and she was right.

We swam ten lengths, showered and then had a big leisurely breakfast complete with lots of good coffee, baked beans and newspapers. Then we strolled up Silom Road went shopping at Sala Dang. After an hour or so, we took the Skytrain to Au Bon Pair at Siam, drank more coffee and ate giant cookies.

After half an hour or so, my brother Michael turned up and we went shopping at MBK. I tried on a pair of jeans at a shop on the ground floor and Mina asked the shop assistant – a rather cute, button nosed girl from Korat – if she had a boyfriend.

“Yes,” said the girl from Korat. “He’s Spanish and he likes my skin dark. Actually, he wants my skin to be darker than this.”

“Are you a virgin?” asked Mina.

The girl from Korat looked surprised at the question.

“No," she said. "I’m Thai! I’m from Isen, see?”

Pi Baby in her Hi-So Cafe

21 February
Today is Makhabhucha Day – the day in which, roughly 2,600 years ago, some 1,200 enlightened monks decided spontaneously to visit the Buddha. They all arrived at the same time and gathered in the light of the full moon.

I had to teach my Harrow student at 10.30am so I hailed a taxi outside my apartment. The driver was a pleasant, middle aged man and when I first got into his cab, I was struck by the fact that pretty much the whole interior was plastered in money. The headlining, the dashboard, the A pillars, the B pillars….everywhere, in fact, except the seats and actual windows.

There were banknotes and coins of pretty much every country you could think of. There were old faded notes and shiny new coins. It was really quite extraordinary. I asked him where he got it all from.

“My customers,” he said. “I have been working as a taxi driver for 25 years and I often go to the airport. My customers give me tips and I stick their money up in here. When foreigners see all this then they usually give me more to add to my collection.”

I asked him if people ever stole the money.

“No, never. They just want to add more to it.”

He seemed a happy and contented man. He told me that he owned the car and therefore could work as often or as little as he liked. Most taxi drivers in Bangkok work for someone else and usually earn between five to seven thousand baht per month. He, however, had managed to put aside money every month over the years until at last he could afford to buy his own car outright. Now everyday he worked until he had earned 1,000 baht and then went home.

He seemed to have done very well for himself compared to most taxi drivers. He had bought his own house, sent his three children to university and now they were all in good jobs. I asked him if it was sometimes dangerous driving a taxi in Bangkok. I had heard many tales of taxi drivers been beaten and robbed. He shook his head.

“I only think about good things so I only get good things,” he said. “Yes, bad things can happen to taxi drivers during the day or night but if one always thinks about good things then one will attract good things. See, my money everywhere in my taxi. People never steal from me. They just want to give me more.”

He was good cheerful company and I was sorry when we arrived at my Harrow student’s mansion. I gave him a tip, wished him good luck and when in to do my mornings work.

Nong Amy had not got up yet. Her mother told me that everyone was still asleep and took me up to the movie room. There, I was fed coffee, fruit and biscuits and a Kylie Minogue DVD.

After a while, Amy appeared and we had the lesson. We worked on a story she was writing about a girl called Googee who lived in a castle with her dog Memama.

Presently, Amy’s mum called us to lunch. She had ordered vegetarian pizza for me from Pizza Hut. After lunch, it was time for me to go to my next student at Thong Lor.

My Thong Lor student had just returned from a weekend in Hong Kong and was anxious to show me his purchases from Toys R Us. He got out a laser gun set (Two laser guns with strap on electronic shields that flash, beep and give you a mild shock when you are hit by your opponent’s gun) and insisted on trying it out with me. I managed to convince him to wait until the end of the lesson and then we ran about the big garden, shooting at each other.

It is perhaps not every 32 year old man’s cup of tea but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. In the end, I got behind one Mercedes limousine and he got behind the other and we spent a happy time blasting away at each other until finally his electronic shield malfunctioned and refused to accept any more hits.

I decided to call it a day and took the skytrain home to my apartment. I came out of the subway station and the usually gaudily neon lit massage parlors opposite were strangely dark and silent. They were closed for Makhabhucha Day. Although Thailand often seems overwhelmingly materialistic, it is still a Buddhist country.

As I was walking to my soi, I saw the full moon hanging huge, low and yellow above skyline. It suddenly struck me that this was the very same moon that the 1,200 Enlightened monks had seen 2,600 years ago. Despite the balmy heat, I got the goosebumps and every single hair on my body stood on end.

When I got to Pi Baby’s café, I found the Essex Boy and Mario the Italian sitting down with a beer. Pi Baby’s nephew Nong Noom was sitting alone at a table behind them. He was 23 years old and had just started working in Patpong. He specialized in Asian men.

“Hello Ben,” said the Essex Boy. “You been working hard?”

“Not really,” I said, sitting down. “Just been running round shooting toy guns with an eight year old. Usual stuff and all that.”

“Good. Hey, did you hear what happened at VIP Place on Friday?” The Essex Boy leaned forward, his face serious. “Korean guy committed suicide. Hanged himself. I mean, bloody hell…”

“Wow,” I said. “He must have been depressed!”

“Yeah.” The Essex Boy added more beer to his mug. “Mind you…” A thought suddenly struck him. “Can’t say I blame him. I’d top myself if I was Korean. I mean, not much point living if you’re one of ‘em is there?”

“My students are not so bad,” said Mario gloomily. “They are sometimes a little naughty and they never listen to what I say…”

“Pi Ben, I need to improve my English,” said Nong Noom to me in Thai. “Because sometimes my customers book me in advance on the internet and I need to lie to them that I am away somewhere on business so that I don’t get a double booking by mistake. I don’t want to let my customers down. Last week, a Korean guy took me to Pattaya for three days and gave me 100,000 baht.”

Just then, his mobile phone beeped and buzzed on the table. He picked it up and frowned thoughtfully at the screen.

“Pi Ben, what does it say? It is a SMS from my Malaysian boyfriend but I don’t understand everything about the English.”

He showed me the phone. I glanced at it. It was written all in capitals.

HELLO SEXY DARLING NOW I HOSPITAL TWO DAYS BUT SEND YOU MONEY TRANFER TOMORROW LOVE DADDY

“He’s going to send you the money tomorrow,” I said.

"Ah, good," said Nong Noom and went outside for a cigarette.

“I tell you, Ben,” said the Essex Boy. “I’m getting horny sitting here and watching all this totty walking past. I think I’m gonna have to go out tonight and bag something…”

Mario slipped moodily at his beer. “It is no good,” he said sadly. “I cannot tell a joke. Not after last night.”

20 February
Early this morning, I was awoken at five o’clock by a knocking on my door. I had been dreaming about dark and cold English winters and so was slightly disorientated when I got up to open the door.

My friend Mark stood there, his face gaunt and pale.

“Ben, can I borrow your kettle a moment? I’m going to this island near Pattaya with this girl and I need some coffee!”

He stumbled into my apartment and continued. “Yeah, met her on the train. She’s really sweet…”

I was too tired and confused to listen to his latest conquest. I went back to bed and returned to my English winter while he made himself coffee and then left.

Two hours later, my alarm went off. I got up, had a big breakfast and then set off to Thong Lor to teach my student who believed that Australia was part of Europe.

I took the subway to Sukhamvit, changed to the skytrain and rode it two stops to Thong Lor and then had a pleasant stroll to the school. Thong Lor is one of the few streets in Bangkok which is actually nice to walk along. For a start, it actually has clean pavements (or sidewalks, if you prefer them) that are worth walking along and blissfully motorbike free. There are also quite a few trees to provide shade.

When I was halfway to the school, I received a phone call to tell me that my student had called in sick but that they would pay me for the first hour anyway. I went shopping instead.

One of the nice things about Thailand, I mused agreeably, is that you can get paid for simply having a nice morning…

18 February
The last four days, I have been at Koh Samet with Mina. We had a wonderful time. Four blissful days of white sands, warms seas, hot sun and good food. There were even half decent waves to bodysurf.

We stayed in a lovely little rustic “village” consisting of three wooden hobbit like huts set around a miniature village green with streams and even a small waterfall. It was a fantastic place. All the furnishings inside were made of beach driftwood, doors were two halves of ancient tree trunks, weathered from months spent floating around in the sea. It was, however, an extremely comfortable place with a flushing toilet and hot shower. The wooden thatched roof meant that it was pleasantly cool compared to most modern Thai bungalows.

Warning sign on Koh Samet

13 February
Today I got up early and caught the skytrain to Thong Lor. I had a new class at my school.

My new “class” consisted of one girl. She was 23 years old, tall, white skinned and beautiful. Her spoken English was very good and her written English was very bad. She told me that she liked watching movies and going shopping.

“Your accent is very good,” I encouraged. “Have you ever been abroad?”

She smiled and nodded which, among Asians, usually means that they don’t understand.

“Have you ever been to America?” I asked.

She shuddered. “Oh no! Too big. Dangerous!”

“Have you ever been to Australia?”

She shuddered again. “Oh no! I’ve never been to Europe! Don’t want to. Too big. Dangerous.”

After the lesson, I took the skytrain to Silom where I played table tennis with a middle aged Thai businessman who turned out to be an ex government official.

In the evening, I met up with Mina and we had dinner together. After, as we came out onto Silom Road, we saw an old beggar hobbling slowly and painfully along the pavement with the aid of a crooked walking stick.

“Ben! Look at that poor beggar!” said Mina. “I feel very sorry for him.”

Just then, another beggar who was crouching in a doorway called out jeeringly to the old man with the stick.

“Ho! So you’re walking bent over with a stick today! You’re clever huh? Guess you’ve made lots of money today hey?”

“What business is it of yours?” demanded the old man straightening upright and suddenly appearing much younger. “How about you? Got our arms back today, have we? Seems that yesterday when I saw you, you had your arms stuck inside your shirt and was pretending that you didn’t have any! Well, guess that trick didn’t work, huh?”

11 February
Today I awoke at 5.30am and went to teach at the temple school at Chachoengsao. I returned to Bangkok on the afternoon train. I had coffee and cakes with Mina and my friend Mark in my apartment. Mina wanted Mark to listen to the Backstreet Boys.

“They have a song “Incomplete”. Do you know it?” she asked.

Mark gulped his coffee and checked his watch. “No, I don’t know it. I have to go!” He stood up and I noticed that a glazed look had come over his face. “I said I’d meet Noi at five in Silom…and it’s nearly four o’clock now!”

“Mark! You must listen! I will play it from the internet…”

“Gotta go,” muttered Mark as he went out of the door. “Meeting her at five…”

Mina didn’t like men walking out on her. “Mark!” she called after him. “If you don’t stay and listen, I will tell Nong Noi that you had sex with her!”

But Mark had already gone.

2 February
Today I return to my diary after a weeks absence. My friend Mark from England has arrived and I have been busy. On the second day in Bangkok, he spotted a university student in a café and got Mina to ask for her mobile number. Since then, he has been going around with a slightly vacant, crazed and harassed look in his eye.

“Ben! Mina! I’m late! I said that I’d meet her at Siam at one thirty…and it’s now twelve! I haven’t got time for lunch…”

“Mark, I thought you agreed to come and meet my Harrow student’s mum. She’s expecting you. She wants to practice her English. Perhaps she’ll buy you a flat in Mayfair if you play your cards right…”

“Ben, I can’t!” His gaunt face wore a hunted expression. “I don’t know which shoes to wear with these trousers….these brown loafers or these trendy black ones….” His face suddenly brightened as a happy thought struck him.

“Ben! I’m gonna give her a good seeing to! She’s got a great figure….well, at least I think so. She was wearing this long baggy thing last time so I couldn’t really tell. But she definitely wasn’t thin. And she’s a good height….”

I left him to it and went to Pi Baby’s café for lunch. The Essex Boy was there with Mario the Italian. The Essex Boy was doing the talking and Mario was looking depressed.

“How’s long a piece of string? I can tell you. Exactly the same length if you cut it in the middle! I’m telling you, Mario! Wherever we are, wherever we find ourselves – we’ve arrived – in that exact spot!”

“Doesn’t make any difference,” said Mario glumly. “I just fed up with Thailand and Thai girls. Always spend, spend, spend my money. I tell you, it’s not cheap living here in Thailand…”

“Mario my man, if you’re STILL thinking those kinda thoughts then you’re obviously not drinking enough. You need to drink more and think less. Go out and get another bird. Have another beer, mate. Get some vitamins into you…”

“I need to make a phone call,” said Mario and stood up. He went out of the café into the street. The Essex Boy turned to me.

“Bloody ‘ell, Ben. Haven’t a sharp knife handy, have you? Cos think am gonna slit my throat. Talking to Mario always makes me feel so cheerful…”

23 January
Today I went to swim in Silom. Then I went to teach Amy. It was a nice lesson. Afterwards, her mum drove me home and took the opportunity to practice her English with me. We talked about families and the good and bad points of having children.

“What do you think is the most difficult thing about having children?” I asked.

“Bringing them up to be good and successful people,” she answered. “I think now young people copy a lot of bad habits from the western people. Now in Thailand there are a lot of men who are not men – gays! And there are women who are not women…do you know Toms?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Now there are so many, many! And in Pattaya it is not just girls who – what do you say? Girls who sell their bodies, what is the English word for them?”

“Prostitutes.”

“Ah, Prostitutes! Pros-tit-tutes! Now there are not just girl prostitutes but the man who sells his body to the other man…”

When I returned to Pi Baby’s café for dinner, the Essex Boy was there with a couple of his farang friends. There were several empty bottles of Singha on the table in front of them. They’d obviously been there for a while.

“Ah, here’s Ben!” said the Essex Boy kindly.

“Hello Essex Boy,” I said. “How was your day?”

“How was my day? Well, it all depends on which way you look at it. Lots of things happened but whether it was good or not just depends upon your viewpoint.”

The Singha had obviously made him philosphical. I guess it must have been the formaldehyde...

The uncompleted high speed rail link to the airport

21 January
Today is my charity day so I got up at 5.30am and took the train to Chachoengsao. I was going to teach at a temple school called Wat Saam Lom.

The one hour journey cost 12 baht and the railway carriage was from probably 50 years ago with wooden seats and paneling. It was very nice.

Pi Nun picked me up from the train station in Chacheongsao and drove me to the school. It was a lovely rural place by the Bang Pakong river. The school was an old style wooden building with massive teak floorboards. The students were aged between four and twelve years old and were from poor backgrounds, mostly farmers and fishermen.

I taught two hours before lunch and then another hour after lunch. Then it was time to catch the only air conditioned train back to Bangkok at two in the afternoon.

When I got back to Bangkok, I met the Essex Boy at Pi Baby’s café. He was unshaven and his eyes were bloodshot. He looked exhausted.

“Hi Essex Boy, how are you?” I asked.

“Oh hi Ben! How are I? That’s a good question!” he grinned. “Well, I’m just come back from the rave at Bang Na. You know what? The last couple of days have just been like full on. I’m been to Cambodia, to Bang Na, my mate just left at four this morning… You know what? I think I’ve only had two hours sleep in forty-eight hours. I’ve been doing so much partying and that much sleep..”

And he held up his finger and thumb and indicated a small space between them.

“But Bang Na was good,” he continued. “Lots of beautiful women, good music, plenty of booze. In fact, good class of people. You know, there were Thais, Luke Krung, some good young farang girls, people who’d been abroad and whatever. You know, people who knew what was going on.”

20 January
Today I took Mina to cut her hair. The hairdresser was a woman in her forties with a fake western style nose. She looked astonished when she saw Mina’s hair.

“Very long!” she said. “So much hair! They say that clever people have very little hair. Ok, I will cut it very sexy. I think you should dye it blonde – very beautiful na.”

“No thanks. I like it black,” said Mina, tossing her glossy locks. The hairdresser was not discouraged.

“See, look,” she said, coming over to where I sat and showing me some samples. “I think we should change it to this colour, don’t you think?”

And she pointed to a horrible orangey, brownish kind of blonde.

“If she changes her hair to that colour,” I said. “I will take her to the market and never see her again!”

“Oh,” said the hairdresser, looking disappointed. “Ok, just a shampoo and cut then.”

18 January
This morning, I did my washing. In the afternoon, I went with my Harrow student’s mum to see the latest addition to her imported car showroom – the new model Ferrari F460 in gleaming red.

It was a wonderful machine. I’m not a massive Ferrari fan – but this car was certainly special. When I sat in the cream leather seats and took the steering wheel, it felt instantly right. The instruments were beautifully simple and clearly laid out. The gears were paddle shifts behind the steering wheel. Even though this is the first of the new generation of lighter, more environmentally friendly Ferraris, everything felt reassuringly solid and of top quality. It felt like the best of the German cars.

I turned the key and pressed the big red start button on the steering wheel. The big V8 engine started into life in its glass box behind me. I blipped the throttle a few times and the needle on the rev counter swung towards the six thousand mark.

I think it was Jeremy Clarkson who once wrote that “nothing beats the sound of a Ferrari on an Alpine road. I couldn’t say, having never been to the Alps. But I can tell you that the sound of a F460 in a glass Thai car showroom is pretty awesome. It is a crackling, howling F1 roar and sounds way better than a Tuk Tuk.

Me enjoying another hard days teaching...

17 January
Today Mina and I went to Siam Square with my parents. Mina liked my father very much.

“He is just like me!” she said. “He is jai rawn! And I am very proud to walk beside him because Thai people think that he is millionaire guy and I am his young beautiful wife.”

At five, I went to teach at Thong Lor for an hour and then joined Mina and my parents at the British Club. We swam and then had dinner. Later, we walked back along the Silom Road market and I stopped to look at some polo shirts.

“This is nice,” I said, picking up a dark blue one and holding against my chest for size. “But I’m afraid that it will shrink once I wash it.”

“Do not worry Sir,” said the seller, hurrying forward. “You are thin, but with a chicken chest. Believe me, this shirt will fit you just fine.”

“Thank you,” I said. “In that case, I’ll take it.”

We carried on walking. A Thai boy ran after us and handed Mina a business card.

“What is this for?” she asked.

“Farang there tell me to give you,” replied the boy. “Give me twenty baht and tell me give you quick.”

“Sorry, but I already have a handsome boyfriend,” said Mina. Another man approached her. He was in his early fifties.

“Look live sex show?” he enquired. “Just see first. If not like then no pay. Free. Ping Pong show. Fuck fuck!”

“No thank you. I don’t like.”

“Just take a look!” insisted our friend, walking beside us. “No need to pay money. Ping pong. Live Sex show. Fucking.”

“No, thank you. We don’t need to see a sex show. Our own show is the best.”

“Yes, yes! Our show the best! Come see. Live show. Ping pong. Fucking….”

He continued in this vein for another hundred yards and then slowly fell behind. His voice gradually faded into the street market din of people, traffic and music.

"I don't care what you say...I say no!"

13 January
Today is my birthday. I am 32. So young!! I went to Central shopping mall at Rama 3 to meet my cousin Gook. We had dinner and then Gook treated me to an ice cream at Swensen.

12 January
I woke up early, caught the skytrain to Thong Lor and taught Luke for an hour and then returned home. I did my washing, relaxed in the afternoon and then met up with a friend in the evening. I returned home at about 9pm. It was a quiet day.

10 January
Yesterday, my friend Kik from Chachoengsao came to Bangkok. I agreed to meet her at Siam. My cousin Gook would join us later.

It was Kik’s first time to Siam Square and all the shopping centres. When I met her, she was at Siam station. She was standing by the 7-11 store which was probably the only thing familiar to her and gazing fearfully at the skytrain she had just left. She had been crying because she’d never been to downtown Bangkok before and was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to find her friends in such a big city.

“Well, why didn’t you phone me then?” I asked.

“Oh, Pi Ben…cannot!” she wailed. “Kik is afraid that Pi Ben is with his girlfriend and she will be angry with me! Perhaps she does something bad to Kik…Pi Ben, Kik want to pee!”

I took her to the toilets in Siam Paragon and she gazed wide-eyed at all the glittering window displays. Then we went to meet Gook at the rather more down-market MBK centre. We went to the food court on the 5th floor. Kik could bear it no longer. She dug out her mobile phone and started ringing her friends.

“Noi, Noi! I’m at MBK in Bangkok!” she burst out. “Yes sir! It’s so very high-so mark mark! Farangs everywhere…”

This evening, my cousin Bow asked me to help her with her course work. She had taped herself interviewing farangs on what they thought of Thailand for her project and she couldn’t make out what they had said. I told her to send me the sound file via msn messenger. The tapescript was funny. It made me realize why some farangs had such a hard time here in Thailand. When they spoke to her, they made no effort to slow down or simplify their speech.

Bow (reading slowly from her prepared text): Excuse me, please. Do you have five minutes?
(Man with strong east London accent). Yes.
Bow: My name is Bow. I am doing an interview project on how feel about Thailand. What is your name?
(Man with strong east London accent) Uh, David.
Bow: What are you from?
David: Uh, I’m from London, England.
Bow: How long have you been in Thailand?
David: Uh, eighteen months?
Bow: How many times have you come to Thailand?
David: Well, bout four times, I think. Yeah, I think four times.
Bow: The first time why did you come?
David: Uh, holiday, I think.
Bow: What about this time?
David: Umm I’m studying.
Bow: What are you interested in most about Thailand?
David: Umm oooooh erm…(pause) erm Buddhism aaaand the food…everything! Weather…lots of things.
Bow: What about other thing?
David: Sorry?
Bow: What about other thing?
David: Other things. Ummm I don’t know…my wife huh, alcohol…er…what else? What else is there? Just relaxing really.
Bow: Before you come, what’s your idea about Thailand?
David: I thought it wouldn’t be as developed. I thought it would be…no roads and nothing…but this was years ago…well, I came here eight years ago and now there’s roads and you know…things. I didn’t think it’d be as developed as it is. It’s very developed…
Bow: How about now?
David: What do I think about it? Erm..(pause) Sorry, can you ask the question again? What was the question? Start again…
Bow: (confused) Before you come…uh and now…uh
David: Oh right! So what I…sorry..(long pause) Oh, what do I think about it now? Oh right! Well, I think it’s great. Has everything here that I want, erm…nice like I say, nice weather, good entertainment everything…I can…a lot more relaxed here…than in London…so…
Bow: How long will you be here?
David: Uh ‘til I finish my degree, I think… three more years maybe…but then I might stay, I dunno.
Bow: Do you think you will come back again?
David: Yeah.
Bow: It’s been very nice speaking to you. Bye bye.

7 January
One of the many things that Thai are obsessed with is “high-so” and “lo-so”. (High class and low class). The other day, one of my students told me that she liked men with tattoos.

I was rather surprised. This girl was of the “old school” Thais. She always dressed modestly, believed in sex after marriage, didn’t drink or smoke etc. She admired the British accent because it was “more hi-so than American” and in general, seemed to be a fairly bright girl. Now what was all this?

“Why do you like men with tattoos?” I asked.

“Because it is hi-so,” she answered.

I was even more surprised. “Hi-so? How is it hi-so? Do you know anyone hi-so who has a tattoo?”

“Yes, Eminem!” she replied earnestly. “And David Beckham….”

3 January
I woke up late, had breakfast late and then had lunch late. I hate getting up late. Tonight, I’m going to set my alarm. Today was a pretty uneventful day. Mina sulked a bit because we didn’t argue.

At five, I went to Thong Lor to teach Luke. It was an easy lesson. We sat by his garden pond on a little wooden pier and went over his homework. Then his mother gave me money and a rather classy looking little gift bag.

“A new year present from Luke,” she smiled.

Inside was a boxed set of Dolce and Gabbana tie, cuff links and handkerchief. Teaching in Thailand can be a very rewarding experience, I have found.

1 January
First day of the year in Bangkok. The city is unusually quiet, cool and clean – half the population have gone back home to the provinces for the holiday. The roads are blissfully traffic jam free. If only Bangkok were always like this…

I noticed in my diary that Luke, my seven year old student from Thong Lor is due to have a class. I rang his mother to confirm that he really was willing to study on New Year’s day.

“Oh, it’s up to you,” she said. “Do you want to come?”

“I don’t mind. I’m not doing anything today. Does Luke want to study today?”

“I just ask him. Luke! Do you want to study with Mr Ben today? Yes? Ok, he wants to study. Can you come at five o’clock?”

If only all children were consulted before having private lessons…

29 December
I woke up at 7.30 and prepared to go to teach at Thong Lor. Yesterday, my school rang to tell me that I was to teach there. But when I rang my student’s mother, she told me that the school had got it all wrong. The next class wasn’t until after the new year. Thankfully, I ate a leisurely breakfast and decided what to do with my free day.

I lunched at Pi Baby’s café. Mario the Italian was there. He looked up morosely as I entered.

“So,” he said. “I have four days off – and I don’t know what I’m going to do. If I go out of this soi then I will have to spend money. My girlfriend is stay with me. She is crazy about shopping. Always she spend, spend, spend. But it is all her money – I don’t spend for her. But you know the girls they like a man to spend his money on them. It is the only way a girl can appreciate you…”

I nodded in sympathy. “Yes, you’re quite right,” I said, glancing across at Mina. “Take my girlfriend, for example. Always everyday, I have to spend at least 20 baht on her…”

“Don’t say it!” interrupted Mina, her dark eyes flashing. “Always I pay for you. It’s MY money! Yesterday, I sent one thousand on you. I bought you a shirt, when we went to Krabi, I paid for that 5 star hotel…”

“It’s a lot of money,” continued Mario. “I remember, I go back to visit my girlfriend in London. She want to eat at this restaurant, Chinese restaurant. We eat duck, you know. And she want to order a whole duck and the bill it thirty-eight pounds! THIRTY-EIGHT pounds! Unbelievable. And of course I have to pay the bill. Thirty-eight pounds…”

“I think I’m going back to America,” said Mina, stamping her foot. “People there appreciate me. I’m tired of Thailand and Thai people…”

“It’s completely crazy,” said Mario. “I mean, you just leave this soi and…puffff! You spend one thousand baht…”

I left the two of them to it and returned to my apartment.

In the evening, Mina and I had dinner at the British Club. We were treated to some Thai style service. I ordered a jacket potato, salad and beans. When my order came, the jacket potato had been magically changed into beans on toast.

After some time spent explaining to the confused looking waiter, my order was taken away to be changed. While we were waiting for the replacement, Mina’s order arrived. She had asked for the vegetarian pizza. It turned out to be the strangest looking pizza we’d ever seen. After a few mouthfuls, she discovered that it was Sweet Fried Chicken Curry on Pizza.

While Mina went to the toilet to vomit (she is allergic to meat), I remonstrated with our waiter.

“Oh,” he said, looking bewildered. “I didn’t know that she was a vegetarian!”

Like many Thais, he’d obviously thought that vegetarian food was “mai aroi” and had kindly decided to change her order for something more palatable. I could just imagine the scene in the kitchens as he discussed our order with the chef.

“He’s ordered jacket potato. Well that’s not going to be nice. Let’s change it to beans on toast. She says she wants vegetarian pizza. Urgh! Give her the fermented fish som dum…it’s my favourite. What? We’re out of fermented fish? Hmmmm how about dumping some nice chicken curry on the pizza base instead…”

28 December
Today is Friday and my parents came to Bangkok for the day. I took Mina to meet them at the British Club. We had lunch together and Mina lost no time in telling them that I was a no-good, jow chew who would stick his nong chai into any girl without a tail etc. It was a pleasant change to hear her saying all this to someone other than myself for a change. We went home in an amiable mood and did not argue until after my evening students had left. It was a good day.

26 December
Today I taught two evening lessons. Mina and I did not go anywhere during the day and so Mina soon became bored and, during the late afternoon, started to think about her favourite activity – arguing.

“I think I’m going to go back to Pattani,” she announced. “I’m sick and tired of arguing with you. All you can think about is other girls. Any girl. No matter if she is ugly or beautiful. It’s like, oh this girl has no tail – I will put my nong chai into her…”

I held up my hand to stop her before she got too carried away. “Mina,” I said patiently. “I’m getting old. I’m going to be 32 next month. I haven’t got time to listen to other people. I don’t like to listen, I like to talk. Now I need to go and eat because I have a class soon. Do you want to join me?”

“No, I don’t want to join you! I’m not hungry. And I don’t want to eat with a jowchew good-for-nothing etc…”

I went to Pi Baby’s. While I was eating, Mina sent me a text message saying she was catching the 9pm flight to Pattani, that she was never going to see me again, and that she wished me luck with my future girlfriend.

I finished my meal and returned to my apartment. It was nearly time for my student to arrive. Mina was still there, looking pleased with herself. Two large suitcases stood waiting near the door.

“No, I’m NOT going to change my mind!” she declared. “When I walk out of this room, you’re never going to see me again! You can be happy with all you kiks…”

I interrupted. “You’ve forgotten to pack your jewelry,” I pointed out.

She started to tell me that she didn’t want it, that I could give it all to my future girlfriends when there was a knock on the door and my student entered.

“Good evening!” he smiled.

“Good evening, Simon,” I said. “Mina, this is Simon my student. Simon, this is Mina my girlfriend.”

Simon shook her hand and then eyed the two suitcases by the door. His smile widened. “You are leaving?” he enquired.

Mina and I looked at each other and laughed. “Shall I tell him?” asked Mina.

“Yes, tell him,” I said. “In English!”

The coffin house, night and day...

25 December
Today is Christmas day. Ok, so you knew that anyway! This morning we gave breakfast to the monks. It was the final thing of my grandmother’s funeral. It has taken seven days. Seven exhausting days. I think the western way is better.

The last breakfast was finished off by my uncle and aunt giving money to the monks – which is forbidden by the laws set down by the Buddha – but was accepted nevertheless.

Mina came today. She told me that she was happy to see me, that she was glad that I was such a nice, good and handsome boyfriend etc. In short, the opposite of what she usually says. I don’t know what has possessed her to come out with such sweet words – but I rather suspect that that it won’t last long!

21 December
Today I taught Amy in the morning. She and her family are going to Italy for Christmas so I shall have some days off. Perhaps I will go to Koh Samet for a few days. But first, I must attend my grandmother’s funeral this Monday.

After I had taught Amy, I had lunch at Pi Baby’s café and met John, an ex-pat from East London. He had recently split up from his Thai girlfriend of six years and was still feeling aggrieved about it.

“You know what?” he said as he sipped at his water. “Lots of people like to go on about the Thai culture of “Mai pen rai” but I tell you, most of the time it’s just sheer apathy! You miss the bus – mai pen rai. Some poor geezer gets run over on a motorbike – mai pen rai. Somebody’s getting beaten up – mai pen rai…none of our business. I mean, we British are an interfering people. Sometimes that can be bad – but sometimes it can be good as well."

Buddhist monks chant over the body of my dead grandmother

19 December
This morning I taught Amy. We read Thumbelina. I vaguely remembered reading it as a young boy but, coming back to it as an adult, I was rather surprised at the explicitness of this old fairytale.

Once upon a time, there was a woman who lived alone in the middle of a wood. She had a beautiful garden full of flowers. She liked to work in her garden to keep her hands busy.

The woman was very lonely. “I want a child!” she said. “If only I had a child!”

At night when she was alone in her bed and her hands were not busy with the flowers in the garden, she would say:

“I want a child! I want a child!”

One day, a strange old man came to her house while she was working in the garden with her flowers. He spoke kindly to the woman.

“You look sad, my dear,” he said.

“I want a child,” said the woman. “I am lonely and I want a child!”

The strange old man smiled. “I will give you a child!” he said. “I have a magic seed. We will put this magic seed in your pot tonight and in the morning you shall have the child you want!”

So the woman put the strange old man’s magic seed in her pot that night and the next morning she found a beautiful little girl kneeling on her flower.

“Why, you are only as big as my thumb!” said the woman. “I shall call you Thumbelina.”

So she did and they all lived happily ever after.

Amy put the book down and we started revising the simple past tense. I found myself wondering what happened to the strange old man. Did he live happily ever after? I rather suspect he did, in his own fashion. After all, there must have been plenty of other gullible lonely women wanting his ‘magic’ seed.

In the afternoon, I went to Chachoengsao to attend one of the funeral rites for my grandmother. There will be seven days of monks chanting in the temple for her and then on Monday, her body will be burned and that will be that.

I went to the temple early with my parents to receive the guests. After the chanting, there would be food for everybody. My grandmother’s coffin lay in state at one end of the temple hall, surrounded by flowers, joss sticks and candles. Hundreds of plastic chairs had been provided for the guests. At the front were some rather impressive carved rosewood seats. I asked my mother who they were for.

“They are for the extinguished guests,” she told me.

The body of my grandmother waits for the monks

17 September
This morning I taught at the local temple school. At one-thirty, it was time to leave and I asked Pi Nun to take me to Big C. I intended to see Kik briefly before catching the coach back to Bangkok. I was just saying goodbye to Kik when my mother rang to tell me that my grandmother had died peacefully in her sleep at lunch time.

Although she was nearly ninety and had died peacefully, it was still very sad news. She had been such a wonderful person with a great sense of humour and a heart of gold. Kik told me not to worry.

“Are you going to cry, Pi Ben? Well, you don’t need to. In Buddhism we know that everyone must die and your grandmother is very old so it’s ok. It’s only her body that’s dead. She’s going to go to a better place. My grandmother’s dying too. She’s in the hospital now. She just sleeps now. Soon she will die. It is the way.”

I thanked her for her concern. She nodded. “I will ring Gook and tell her the news,” she said.

“Don’t!” I said. My grandmother was very popular with my cousins. “She will cry. Let her mother or someone else tell her.”

“Don’t be silly! Of course she’s not going to cry!”

She opened her phone and dialed. “Hello Gook? Where are you? Yes, I’m with Pi Ben. Yes, he’s not going back to Bangkok today because, of course, his grandmother’s died…What? Yes, she’s just died. Didn’t you know? Hey, why are you crying…?”

She handed me the phone. “She’s crying!” she said.

I took the phone and put it to my ear. “Hello Gook,” I said somberly.

“Pi Ben!” wailed Gook at the other end. “Grandmother is dead! And I didn’t go to see her before she died! Ooooooh!”

I comforted her as best I could and then rang my lawyer student to cancel our lesson this evening. I returned to my grandmother’s house.

My grandmother was lying in her bed. Her body had already been washed and her hair combed neatly. She looked just as if she were asleep. Bending over her, it seemed incredible that she should be dead. Her face was serene and peaceful. I felt a sudden gratitude that she had gone so easily and painlessly in the home that she’d lived in all her life. So many people die young, in pain, far from their home and family.

She is the first dead person that I have ever seen.

Various relatives started to arrive to pay their respects to the dead. My grandmother had lived a long life and had been a popular figure in the community. Soon there were twenty or thirty people wandering about, chatting, arguing about the funeral, making food discussing what should be done.

In the evening, four monks came and chanted over the dead body while candles were lit and incense was burnt.

More people were still arriving. Tables were set up and laid outside the house by the river and everyone started eating and talking. Nong Varn told Bom not to whistle as it would “call the ghosts”. Laughter and loud talk rang out as relatives who had seen each other for years caught up on the latest news and gossip. A Thai funeral is a social event.

Buddhist monks chant over the body of my dead grandmother

16 September
Today, I came to Chachoengsao. I had a strange but interesting experience coming down. The fastest way to get to Chachoengsao from Bangkok is via train. Thai ordinary trains tend to be incredibly cheap – but the downside to this is that they also tend to be hot, dirty and crowded. However, once a day, an air conditioned express runs at (I thought) 12.20 from Hualanpong.

I took the subway from my apartment. I arrived at 12.13 – to find that the train departed at 12.10, not 12.20.

I decided not to panic but use the Secret instead. I envisaged a comfortable empty seat on my train and then made my way to platform 10. There was a huge crowd gathered. But no train. I asked the nearest man if the train to Chachoengsao had left yet. He told me that it hadn’t come yet.

Just then, a woman announced in Thai over the public address system that the train to Chachoengsao was running late and would arrive at platform 10 in 20 minutes. I went off to the local mini mart to get some lunch.

When I returned, five minutes later, the train was already at the platform at people were swarming all over it like frantic ants. Thais may be well mannered, polite people most of the time – but when it comes to trains, all that disappears. They barge, shove, queue jump and fight to get a seat first.

As I joined the scrum to enter the last carriage, I discovered that this crowd was no exception. It was a case of biggest and strongest first. Everyone seemed to carrying an extraordinary amount of luggage as well.

I edged closer to the door and saw through the windows that all the seats were taken and people were now competing for the best standing room. A fat woman with unpleasantly dyed red hair pushed in front of me and squeezed in the doorway. I did not retaliate but kept envisaging my empty comfortable seat waiting for me.

I entered the carriage and shuffled along with the crowd towards the end of the train. It was completely packed. People who had already reached the end of the carriage without finding seats were coming back the other way. The fat woman with the dyed red hair turned back too.

I was struggling to squeeze between her big hips and the full seats when suddenly I saw my empty seat waiting for me. I could hardly believe it. This was the first time I had successfully envisaged anything.

“Is this seat taken?” I asked the woman sitting next to it. Perhaps she was saving it for her husband or something.

“No, it’s free,” she said.

I sat down. For some reason, this carriage seemed more comfortable than usual. It was cleaner and there were individually controlled ceiling fans in addition to the air conditioning. The seats were covered with velour instead of plastic and there were foldaway stainless steel footrests as well.

I reclined my seat back, stretched out luxuriously and smiled.

14 November
This morning, I took the opportunity of catching up on sleep and got up late. Then I went to have lunch with my father at the British Club, as I do every Friday.

As I walked into the club, I met Pi Piro.

“How are you?” I asked.

He beamed. “Yesterday I won the Thai National Tennis Championship! It is the first time!”

“Wow!” I said and shook his hand. “Well done!”

“Thank you my friend. The important lesson is never to give up. If I cannot win it at 25 then I must keep trying and win it when I am 50! Now I am waiting for my friend. We are going to discuss an important new invention which we hope to make a lot of money out of.”

I wished him luck and then went off to find my father. He was talking to Jack, an old friend of his from England.

“I’ve just bought a condo down Rama 3 way,” Jack was saying. “But I’m not looking at it as an investment. I don’t think it’s worth investing in Thailand these days. Not in property, anyway. I mean, you might make a profit – but I wouldn’t bank on it. I’ve still got the place in Hua Hin…beautiful down there…should go there and stay someday…”

I greeted my father and then went to swim. When I got back, Jack had gone.

At four o’clock, I left the club to go and teach Amy. I taught for two hours and then returned to my apartment. I changed and then went to eat at Pi Baby’s café. I met a girl I’d known who’d worked in the office of my last apartment. Her name was Dee but everyone called her “Nok Huak” or “Owl” because of her love of nocturnal activities. She had dyed her long hair brown, put a curly twist to it and was wearing green contact lenses.

She told me that she was now working for the mobile phone company True at Fortune IT City at Rama 9.

“What do you do there?” I asked.

“Customer Service,” she said.

“Do you have to speak English?”

“Yes, but all I say “Hello, jup jup kiss, goodbye. If I can say more than I have higher salary.”

“Well why don’t you learn to speak English then?”

“Because I afraid make mistake.”

“You’re crazy! How can you learn if you don’t make mistakes, eh? It’s easy. You just learn some basics first and then go on.”

“Will you teach me free?”

“Yes, if you want.”

“It too difficult. Is speak Thai difficult?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Huh! See!” she said triumphantly. “So English too difficult for me. Cannot. Afraid make mistakes. Cannot do.”

Me trying to catch a train in Bangkok...

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love rang me to say that she didn’t want to see me again because I was a no-good “luke krung” who wasn’t even a proper farang and told me that she was going to travel south-east Asia by bike with a friend of hers. I wished her luck but warned her that to cycle across south-east Asia was going to take longer than to cycle to work at the Green Mango on Samui.

Today I had two lessons, both in the same private housing estate. The first student just wanted to practice conversation. I was shown into a large and comfortable air conditioned living room, a maid brought in a tray of coffee, water and Thai sweetmeats and then we chatted in English.

We talked about future plans and my student told me that she intended to go to Switzerland for Christmas and also take in Vienna and Florence. After an hour, it was time to collect my money and go to my next lesson.

I walked around to the next soi to Amy’s house. As I approached the electric gates, I was wondering what to do about her dog. It had done its best to savage me last visit. It was a young male and this was the mating season so its testosterone levels were high. No doubt last visit it had sniffed me out for the alpha male that I was and been filled with jealous rage.

I decided that it was probably afraid of me, as well as envious. I had spoken kindly to him last time and he’d taken this as a sign of weakness and a signal to attack. Well, this time I would ignore him.

I pressed the bell and the electric gates slid open. He was waiting for me on the porch, his fierce red eyes watching me intently. I strode towards front door, coldly ignoring him. He yelped at my direct approach and ran off around the side of the house.

I went into the house and seated myself in the large and comfortable air conditioned living room. A maid came in and brought me a tray of fresh coffee, freshly made mango juice, mineral water and a large fruit tart. Private lessons are so much more agreeable than teaching in a school. Especially when there are 60 or so students to a class.

As I relaxed on the leather sofa, my mobile rang. It was Amy’s mum.

“Mr Ben. Amy’s mum speaking. Are you at my home?”

“Yes, just arrived.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. We have a problem with Amy. The maid could not find her and nobody knew where she was.”

I sat up. “Has she got a mobile phone? Have you rang her school yet?”

“Oh no. I have found her now. She is sleeping in the back of my car. She is very sleepy. I brought her home about an hour ago and I thought that she’d got out but she didn’t because she was asleep and nobody noticed. But the maid took her shoes into the house so now she can not go to the toilet. I am at the supermarket. We will be home in about another twenty minutes. I am so sorry, Mr Ben.”

I relaxed back on the sofa. “No problem at all,” I told her.

Amy’s mum might have sent all her children to Harrow and prefer Europe to home – but her sense of time was definitely Thai. Her ‘twenty’ minutes would be an English forty minutes at least or probably a German hour. I took out pen and paper and wrote my diary.

Thai Prime Minister at Bangkok Motor show

8 December
My alarm awoke me at 7.30am. I felt ok but still not yet 100 per cent. This morning I had to teach at Thong Lor.

I took the subway to Sukhumvit then changed to the skytrain and rode it two stops to Thong Lor. It was an easy hour’s teaching. I returned to my apartment at 11am and then had lunch.

After lunch, Amy’s mum picked me up and then took me to her house. For some reason, her dog took a sudden violent dislike to me and decided to attack me. Fortunately, I was wearing jeans and shoes so was able to ward him off. Nasssty little brute! We doesn’t like it, does we Precioussss? Not nice.

I escaped into the house and, while Amy got changed, Amy’s mum took me upstairs to the third floor.

“I want to show you something,” she smiled and she led me into a darkened room.

I entered warily. I had not quite got over being unexpectedly attacked by the family pet. It was strange because it had met me at least five times before and had always seemed rather shy.

Amy’s mum flicked a few switches and dim lights came on. At the same time, with a smooth whirring sound, a giant screen rolled down from the ceiling at the far end of the room. I realized now that we were in a very elaborate home theatre.

There were stacks upon stacks of expensive looking amplifiers, routers, speakers and all sorts of equipment that I could only guess at. Amy’s mum was turning on this and that and meddling with various remote controls while digital displays flickered out seemingly random numbers and information.

“Let me show you the power of my music room,” said Amy’s mum, who was now searching through a vast selection of dvds. “Do you like Santana?”

“Umm. Yes, I think so.”

Amy’s mum inserted the dvd. There was a brief pause and then music, light and colours flooded the room and drowned out everything. The screen and projector were of extraordinary high quality. To the eyes of a hifi novice, it was indistinguishable from that of the HD flat TV screen downstairs.

After watching Santana for a bit, we headed off to the motor show. We had VIP passes and were able to get in ahead of the considerable queues. There were lots of scantily dressed girls dancing around the cars. Amy’s mum wanted to take a photo of me amongst them. Unfortunately for the readers of this blog, dispite several attempts, she didn’t manage to use my camera phone. However, that didn’t stop 20 or so photographers from various magazines snapping away. I intend to google the motor show after a few days and, no doubt, there will be pictures of me surrounded by beautiful women….

The Bugatti Veyron and Girls in White

7 December
I awoke at 10am, feeling slightly better but still weak. I got up, showered, did my exercises and then was ready for breakfast. My cheap electric toaster gave me a mild shock when I put toast into it. It is obviously time to replace it. I had to drink tea instead of coffee because my cafetiere broke last night.

I ate breakfast and tried to decided whether or not I should teach today. If I cancelled my classes again then I would be 1,500 baht down – and I needed to buy a new cafetiere and electric toaster. More importantly, if I did not teach my student Amy today then I couldn’t really go to the motor show with her mum tomorrow. Last time I had taught Amy, her mum had told me that there would be a special “show” on Saturday and invited me to go with the family.

But if I taught today, perhaps I would get worse. I still had a temperature and a runny nose. Hmmmm. I rang Mary at my teaching agency and told her of my dilemma.

“Teach!” she said hardheartedly. “Take medicine and then teach!”

That was that then. I thought of my friend Doi, who is working today from 8am until midnight at Siam Paragon. For those 16 long hours, standing in a department store, she would probably get paid less than I would for my two hours of sitting in on a comfortable sofa. My lot wasn’t so bad, really.

I took two paracetamols and then went to teach.

6 December
Yesterday afternoon I developed a cold. This morning I awoke with a fever. I cancelled my lessons and stayed mostly in my room to recover.

Thai children at the local temple school, Chachoengsao

5 December
Today is the King’s birthday and so a national holiday. Mina phoned and asked me to send her some money so that she could come up to Bangkok to see me. I told her that I needed to save first as I was spending more than I earned, had lots of kiks etc to look after and that I had caught a cold. She told me not to “hit the Bush” – whatever that means. Apparently, it’s an American expression.

I met up with June and Doi today. Doi is from Surin, near Cambodia. They started talking about Black Magic. The Dark Arts are apparently very much alive and well in Thailand. June told me that her elder sister had caught the eye of a Muslim boy when she was a girl. The boy had asked someone to put a spell on her to make her like him. It hadn’t worked – but ever since, June’s sister has been “possessed”.

June described how, as a young girl, when she slept with her sister, there would be a certain point of the night when her sister would cover her head and say that “it was coming”. The overhead fan would slow down and June’s sister would see a “dark shadow” moving across the wall. Naturally, both girls were terrified.

When June’s mother died, as is the custom amongst Buddhists, her body was placed in an open coffin in the living room and monks were invited to the house to chant for the dead. When June’s sister entered the room, she could not bear to be in the presence of monks cried out and ran away. When the family questioned her later, she claimed that she remembered nothing. She “did not know herself”.

Later, when the monks had gone, June’s sister approached the body of her dead mother with the intention of paying her respects for the last time. But when she reached out to touch the body, she gave a loud scream and starting crying. She said that she could not touch it because it was “hot”. June said it was because of the small gold Buddha image that her mother was holding when she died and still clutched in her right hand.

June’s family took the girl to the local temple to exorcise the spirit but were told that a dark spell created by a Muslim could only be removed by the person who cast it. Black Magic as found in Cambodia, on the other hand, could be removed by any decent Buddhist monk.

Now June’s sister lives on Koh Phi Phi and is married with two children. She is not troubled at Phi Phi because “there are lots of Muslims there”.

It was a strange tale, and rather disquieting because there was no happy ending or solution. The two girls told me other strange magic that the Thais did. The worst magic always seems connected to love. June told me that, in order to make sure that her husband will love only her, a Thai woman will collect some blood from her menstruation and put a little into his rice when she cooks it.

Well, all I can say is, if I ever catch MY wife doing anything so disgusting then I’m DEFINITELY going to divorce her!

"True, they hadn’t achieved World Domination – but they’d come damn close to it." From Nowhere Children Inc. by Ben Taylor.

30 November
Today I taught Nong Amy. Her house is just around the corner from Pi At’s house so I arranged to see her and Pi Nun beforehand. Theirs is a very pleasant housing estate not far from Lad Phrao. It is surrounded by a moat and guarded at all four entrances by smart uniformed security men. The sois are lined with mango trees and bougainvilleas and no beggars or stray dogs are allowed. It would suit me just fine. I noticed one house near Pi At’s was for rent. 100,000 baht per month.

I arrived at Pi At’s house and she brought me fresh strawberry juice made from Chang Mai strawberries. We chatted for a while until her son arrived. He is studying Accounting at university and is very polite but shy. His mother encouraged him to speak English with me but it was a pretty one sided conversation.

After a while, he left to pick up his car from the garage and I showed Pi Nun a program on my laptop which I planned to use to teach her students at the temple school in Chachoengsao.

At a quarter to five, we walked to Amy’s house. Pi At tried to give me money for speaking to her in English, which I refused and then we said goodbye. I taught Amy for a couple of hours and helped her with her homework. Afterwards, her mother invited me to go to Siam Paragon with her and her eldest daughter to buy a guitar for her.

We set off in her SUV. The traffic was terrible – even by Bangkok standards. It was soon obvious that we would not get there before closing time. Amy’s mum decided to go to the Bangkok Motor Show instead.

The Bangkok Motor Show was held at the giant Impact Centre. Amy’s mum had VIP tickets – I guess it must be something to do with her work. We had a great time. The place was full of exotic cars and beautiful girls. For every car on display, there seemed to be two stunning girls on hand to smile for photographs, drape themselves gracefully on the bonnet or simply perform wriggling motions in time to music.

Amy’s mum seemed to know a lot of people there and was obviously an important person for them, judging by all the wais that she and I received. As I was with her, people naturally assumed that I too was a wealthy business person looking to invest. The manager at a Coffee World shop asked if I was interested in buying franchise. I thought of the sorry state of my bank balance, battered after an hedonist two months in Krabi and the South but smilingly told him that I was on holiday from England and was not looking to invest.

Amy’s elder sister was studying marketing and pointed out the various stands on show from a professional point of view. For example, the Alfa Romeo stand for the convertible Spyder with its circular stand surrounded by running water and with two beautiful models was stunning – but photographed badly because there was too much black. It would not look good in a magazine.

The stand for SsangYong featured its off road models on big ramps tilted at 45 degrees and with the wheels turning. There were also six big screens showing a short film with a SsangYong Rexton playing a tough Russell Crowe type while the soundtrack was from Gladiator. They even showed the Rexton driving in slow motion through a field of wheat.

The people from Lamborghini did not need to bother with such clever or sophisticated marketing tricks. All they had to do was to put a black Murcielago and a white convertible Gallardo. And the people came flocking to gawp and take photos. It struck me that Lamborghini’s marketing was the simplest and best. Simply design a totally impractical car that looks like nothing else on the road, drop in a suitably over the top engine behind the driver and people will come running.

There was, however, one car there which nearly stole the show from Lamborghini. The Bugatti Veyron. This car is so fast that, apparently, you could let a McLaren F1 accelerate to 120mph, and then start the Bugatti, and the Veyron would beat the McLaren to 200mph. Capable of 253 miles per hour (though not of course anywhere in Thailand) and priced at 165,000,000 baht… It looked good as well.