9 March
I met Nong Oom at Pi Baby’s Cafe. She has changed her fingernails again. They are now black. Her face was flushed with triumph and excitement.
“Pi Ben! Pi Ben! Do you remember that Swedish man I met on the skytrain? Well, I met him today for lunch at Fuji. Very hi-so. Nong Oom eat lots and lots of Japanese food and cost over two thousand baht. Daniel he pay for everything! I told you he very rich na! I ask him if he has car Benz and he said yes! I think I am going to ask him for a salary. I have already told him that I am virgin…”
The Essex Boy glanced up from his table. His face was amused. “You a virgin?” he asked in Thai. He stabbed a finger at his broad chest “Nee pen virgin doi.”
Nong Oom laughed delightedly. “Oooh! You speak Thai! Narak mark mark! Which country are you from, please?”
“England,” said the Essex Boy.
“England? Why do you sound different from Pi Ben then? Pi Ben is from England.”
“Well,” said the Essex Boy modestly. “I’m from Essex so my accent is different from Ben’s. It’s like I’m from Isan and he’s from Bangkok, see?”
“I prefer American to England,” said Nong Oom politely. “I think American more narak and clever than England.”
The Essex Boy put down his beer and looked at her.
“Ever been to America?” he asked.
“No,” said Nong Oom. “Just Taiwan.”
“Well, I have,” said the Essex Boy in Thai. “Been to Texas, Kansas, worked in North Carolina, been to New York – dirty place, that was! Stayed in Boston, went to California, Washington, Virginia…seen a fair bit of the place. And you know what? Course you get nice Americans but most of em are ignorant, up-their-own-arses fuckers. They think that, you know, the United States of America is this wonderful thing and everyone wants to be one of them. Well, guess what? They don’t!”
“Oh,” said Nong Oom. She looked at him for a while, her face serious. Then she turned to me and lowered her voice.
“Is he rich, Pi Ben?” she asked.
“Yes, very!” I said. “He has two Mercedes and three pairs of Diesel trainers back in England.”
Nong Oom’s mouth dropped open and her eyes opened wide. “Wow!” she said. “Naruk mark mark!”
“The Americans like to go on about their sport,” said the Essex Boy, warming to his theme. “But, I ask you, who plays American football outside the States? Whereas we invented soccer…and, I mean…” He waved a hand at his beer. “Everyone plays it. Who else plays baseball, ice hockey?”
“Mr Essex Boy,” said Nong Oom, respectfully. “Do you like to shoot a gun?”
“Do I like to shoot a gun?” The Essex Boy sipped thoughtfully at his beer. “Do I like to shoot a gun? Depends who I’m talking to…”
“I like to shoot a gun!” said Nong Oom eagerly. “Very fun! Would you like to shoot a gun with me sometime? Can I have your telephone number please? Then I can phone you when I next go to shoot.”
Mario the Italian came in. His face was glum.
“It’s no good,” he said. “I have to go out of this soi. The school holiday is driving me mad. There is nothing to do and my room is very hot. Nothing on TV, just four Thai channels. I don’t understand. And if I leave this soi then I know I must spend money… Trust me, you go out of this soi and puffff! Maybe one thousand baht just gone…”
He sat down heavily. “I mean, my room. It cost me three thousand baht a month. It’s cheap but small and just a bed. I want hot water so I say to them, “Can I have hot water?” And they say it will cost me two hundred a month. That is crazy! Too expensive. So I buy my own water heater for two thousand baht and pay them four hundred baht to install…I think it is better. Save money…”
Later this evening, Nong Oom called me.
“Mr Essex Boy is very naruk,” she said. “And he is 34 so he is old and must be very respectable. I don’t think he will try to have sex with me. He is my old uncle. I will take him to the disco and pub and he will take care of me. He thinks I am clever and smart girl because I am Korea style and I know about the people from different countries.”
“That Nong Oom is a bit of a nutcase, isn’t she?” said the Essex Boy to me when I went to eat dinner. “And she’s as thick as two short planks. But her ass is alright. Basically, the only thing you can do with a girl like that is bend her over and give her one…”
“My water heater is broken,” said Mario glumly. “And the people at my apartment will not fix it because they say it is my responsibility. They are just being childish because I buy it myself. So I have to take it to Bang Na. Very far.”
I met Nong Oom at Pi Baby’s Cafe. She has changed her fingernails again. They are now black. Her face was flushed with triumph and excitement.
“Pi Ben! Pi Ben! Do you remember that Swedish man I met on the skytrain? Well, I met him today for lunch at Fuji. Very hi-so. Nong Oom eat lots and lots of Japanese food and cost over two thousand baht. Daniel he pay for everything! I told you he very rich na! I ask him if he has car Benz and he said yes! I think I am going to ask him for a salary. I have already told him that I am virgin…”
The Essex Boy glanced up from his table. His face was amused. “You a virgin?” he asked in Thai. He stabbed a finger at his broad chest “Nee pen virgin doi.”
Nong Oom laughed delightedly. “Oooh! You speak Thai! Narak mark mark! Which country are you from, please?”
“England,” said the Essex Boy.
“England? Why do you sound different from Pi Ben then? Pi Ben is from England.”
“Well,” said the Essex Boy modestly. “I’m from Essex so my accent is different from Ben’s. It’s like I’m from Isan and he’s from Bangkok, see?”
“I prefer American to England,” said Nong Oom politely. “I think American more narak and clever than England.”
The Essex Boy put down his beer and looked at her.
“Ever been to America?” he asked.
“No,” said Nong Oom. “Just Taiwan.”
“Well, I have,” said the Essex Boy in Thai. “Been to Texas, Kansas, worked in North Carolina, been to New York – dirty place, that was! Stayed in Boston, went to California, Washington, Virginia…seen a fair bit of the place. And you know what? Course you get nice Americans but most of em are ignorant, up-their-own-arses fuckers. They think that, you know, the United States of America is this wonderful thing and everyone wants to be one of them. Well, guess what? They don’t!”
“Oh,” said Nong Oom. She looked at him for a while, her face serious. Then she turned to me and lowered her voice.
“Is he rich, Pi Ben?” she asked.
“Yes, very!” I said. “He has two Mercedes and three pairs of Diesel trainers back in England.”
Nong Oom’s mouth dropped open and her eyes opened wide. “Wow!” she said. “Naruk mark mark!”
“The Americans like to go on about their sport,” said the Essex Boy, warming to his theme. “But, I ask you, who plays American football outside the States? Whereas we invented soccer…and, I mean…” He waved a hand at his beer. “Everyone plays it. Who else plays baseball, ice hockey?”
“Mr Essex Boy,” said Nong Oom, respectfully. “Do you like to shoot a gun?”
“Do I like to shoot a gun?” The Essex Boy sipped thoughtfully at his beer. “Do I like to shoot a gun? Depends who I’m talking to…”
“I like to shoot a gun!” said Nong Oom eagerly. “Very fun! Would you like to shoot a gun with me sometime? Can I have your telephone number please? Then I can phone you when I next go to shoot.”
Mario the Italian came in. His face was glum.
“It’s no good,” he said. “I have to go out of this soi. The school holiday is driving me mad. There is nothing to do and my room is very hot. Nothing on TV, just four Thai channels. I don’t understand. And if I leave this soi then I know I must spend money… Trust me, you go out of this soi and puffff! Maybe one thousand baht just gone…”
He sat down heavily. “I mean, my room. It cost me three thousand baht a month. It’s cheap but small and just a bed. I want hot water so I say to them, “Can I have hot water?” And they say it will cost me two hundred a month. That is crazy! Too expensive. So I buy my own water heater for two thousand baht and pay them four hundred baht to install…I think it is better. Save money…”
Later this evening, Nong Oom called me.
“Mr Essex Boy is very naruk,” she said. “And he is 34 so he is old and must be very respectable. I don’t think he will try to have sex with me. He is my old uncle. I will take him to the disco and pub and he will take care of me. He thinks I am clever and smart girl because I am Korea style and I know about the people from different countries.”
“That Nong Oom is a bit of a nutcase, isn’t she?” said the Essex Boy to me when I went to eat dinner. “And she’s as thick as two short planks. But her ass is alright. Basically, the only thing you can do with a girl like that is bend her over and give her one…”
“My water heater is broken,” said Mario glumly. “And the people at my apartment will not fix it because they say it is my responsibility. They are just being childish because I buy it myself. So I have to take it to Bang Na. Very far.”
2 comments:
Ben....your song 'Nothing I Can Do' actually saved my marriage. My wife was in Asia on business and heard your song for the first time....she sat in her hotel room crying and came home to me. I'm now learning that guitar piece and I would like to find a way to video you and I playing together FOR her and I'd sing with you...or actually perform it live with you for her...just the three of us. How are your fees structured for something like this? Could we meet up with you at a show and I'd surprise her? Please advise...never has a song had such a profound impact on two lives....hard to explain, but I hope you'll reply. Thank you...
Hey M&CP,
Glad to hear that "Nothing I can do" saved your marriage! But I'm afraid I'm not the Ben Taylor you're thinking of!
True, I play the guitar etc but have never recorded professionally and am afraid that I don't know the song "Nothing I can do."
I think you want The Ben Taylor Band. Their website is www.ben-taylor.com
Good luck!
The other Ben Taylor! :o)
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