23 February
I woke up this morning feeling exhausted. I had breakfast and then went downstairs to fill my water container. I met Mario the Italian coming the other way.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Not too good,” I replied. “Got a slight sore throat and feel really tired.”

His face brightened. “Yes!” he said eagerly. “It is this place. Always I wake up with something wrong…. Always a little something make me feel not good. If I ever wake up feeling good then it’s halleluiah! You know, I have to save some money because I know one day, something bad is going to happen…”


24 February
Today was a good day. I got up at half six in the morning and then went straight to the British Club with Mina.

It was deserted when we arrived. The only other members present were a couple playing tennis. The water in the swimming pool was like a mirror. We lay on the sunbeds and watched the sun rise while listening to the sound of birdsong.

“It’s like having our own private villa,” said Mina and she was right.

We swam ten lengths, showered and then had a big leisurely breakfast complete with lots of good coffee, baked beans and newspapers. Then we strolled up Silom Road went shopping at Sala Dang. After an hour or so, we took the Skytrain to Au Bon Pair at Siam, drank more coffee and ate giant cookies.

After half an hour or so, my brother Michael turned up and we went shopping at MBK. I tried on a pair of jeans at a shop on the ground floor and Mina asked the shop assistant – a rather cute, button nosed girl from Korat – if she had a boyfriend.

“Yes,” said the girl from Korat. “He’s Spanish and he likes my skin dark. Actually, he wants my skin to be darker than this.”

“Are you a virgin?” asked Mina.

The girl from Korat looked surprised at the question.

“No," she said. "I’m Thai! I’m from Isen, see?”

Pi Baby in her Hi-So Cafe

21 February
Today is Makhabhucha Day – the day in which, roughly 2,600 years ago, some 1,200 enlightened monks decided spontaneously to visit the Buddha. They all arrived at the same time and gathered in the light of the full moon.

I had to teach my Harrow student at 10.30am so I hailed a taxi outside my apartment. The driver was a pleasant, middle aged man and when I first got into his cab, I was struck by the fact that pretty much the whole interior was plastered in money. The headlining, the dashboard, the A pillars, the B pillars….everywhere, in fact, except the seats and actual windows.

There were banknotes and coins of pretty much every country you could think of. There were old faded notes and shiny new coins. It was really quite extraordinary. I asked him where he got it all from.

“My customers,” he said. “I have been working as a taxi driver for 25 years and I often go to the airport. My customers give me tips and I stick their money up in here. When foreigners see all this then they usually give me more to add to my collection.”

I asked him if people ever stole the money.

“No, never. They just want to add more to it.”

He seemed a happy and contented man. He told me that he owned the car and therefore could work as often or as little as he liked. Most taxi drivers in Bangkok work for someone else and usually earn between five to seven thousand baht per month. He, however, had managed to put aside money every month over the years until at last he could afford to buy his own car outright. Now everyday he worked until he had earned 1,000 baht and then went home.

He seemed to have done very well for himself compared to most taxi drivers. He had bought his own house, sent his three children to university and now they were all in good jobs. I asked him if it was sometimes dangerous driving a taxi in Bangkok. I had heard many tales of taxi drivers been beaten and robbed. He shook his head.

“I only think about good things so I only get good things,” he said. “Yes, bad things can happen to taxi drivers during the day or night but if one always thinks about good things then one will attract good things. See, my money everywhere in my taxi. People never steal from me. They just want to give me more.”

He was good cheerful company and I was sorry when we arrived at my Harrow student’s mansion. I gave him a tip, wished him good luck and when in to do my mornings work.

Nong Amy had not got up yet. Her mother told me that everyone was still asleep and took me up to the movie room. There, I was fed coffee, fruit and biscuits and a Kylie Minogue DVD.

After a while, Amy appeared and we had the lesson. We worked on a story she was writing about a girl called Googee who lived in a castle with her dog Memama.

Presently, Amy’s mum called us to lunch. She had ordered vegetarian pizza for me from Pizza Hut. After lunch, it was time for me to go to my next student at Thong Lor.

My Thong Lor student had just returned from a weekend in Hong Kong and was anxious to show me his purchases from Toys R Us. He got out a laser gun set (Two laser guns with strap on electronic shields that flash, beep and give you a mild shock when you are hit by your opponent’s gun) and insisted on trying it out with me. I managed to convince him to wait until the end of the lesson and then we ran about the big garden, shooting at each other.

It is perhaps not every 32 year old man’s cup of tea but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. In the end, I got behind one Mercedes limousine and he got behind the other and we spent a happy time blasting away at each other until finally his electronic shield malfunctioned and refused to accept any more hits.

I decided to call it a day and took the skytrain home to my apartment. I came out of the subway station and the usually gaudily neon lit massage parlors opposite were strangely dark and silent. They were closed for Makhabhucha Day. Although Thailand often seems overwhelmingly materialistic, it is still a Buddhist country.

As I was walking to my soi, I saw the full moon hanging huge, low and yellow above skyline. It suddenly struck me that this was the very same moon that the 1,200 Enlightened monks had seen 2,600 years ago. Despite the balmy heat, I got the goosebumps and every single hair on my body stood on end.

When I got to Pi Baby’s café, I found the Essex Boy and Mario the Italian sitting down with a beer. Pi Baby’s nephew Nong Noom was sitting alone at a table behind them. He was 23 years old and had just started working in Patpong. He specialized in Asian men.

“Hello Ben,” said the Essex Boy. “You been working hard?”

“Not really,” I said, sitting down. “Just been running round shooting toy guns with an eight year old. Usual stuff and all that.”

“Good. Hey, did you hear what happened at VIP Place on Friday?” The Essex Boy leaned forward, his face serious. “Korean guy committed suicide. Hanged himself. I mean, bloody hell…”

“Wow,” I said. “He must have been depressed!”

“Yeah.” The Essex Boy added more beer to his mug. “Mind you…” A thought suddenly struck him. “Can’t say I blame him. I’d top myself if I was Korean. I mean, not much point living if you’re one of ‘em is there?”

“My students are not so bad,” said Mario gloomily. “They are sometimes a little naughty and they never listen to what I say…”

“Pi Ben, I need to improve my English,” said Nong Noom to me in Thai. “Because sometimes my customers book me in advance on the internet and I need to lie to them that I am away somewhere on business so that I don’t get a double booking by mistake. I don’t want to let my customers down. Last week, a Korean guy took me to Pattaya for three days and gave me 100,000 baht.”

Just then, his mobile phone beeped and buzzed on the table. He picked it up and frowned thoughtfully at the screen.

“Pi Ben, what does it say? It is a SMS from my Malaysian boyfriend but I don’t understand everything about the English.”

He showed me the phone. I glanced at it. It was written all in capitals.

HELLO SEXY DARLING NOW I HOSPITAL TWO DAYS BUT SEND YOU MONEY TRANFER TOMORROW LOVE DADDY

“He’s going to send you the money tomorrow,” I said.

"Ah, good," said Nong Noom and went outside for a cigarette.

“I tell you, Ben,” said the Essex Boy. “I’m getting horny sitting here and watching all this totty walking past. I think I’m gonna have to go out tonight and bag something…”

Mario slipped moodily at his beer. “It is no good,” he said sadly. “I cannot tell a joke. Not after last night.”

20 February
Early this morning, I was awoken at five o’clock by a knocking on my door. I had been dreaming about dark and cold English winters and so was slightly disorientated when I got up to open the door.

My friend Mark stood there, his face gaunt and pale.

“Ben, can I borrow your kettle a moment? I’m going to this island near Pattaya with this girl and I need some coffee!”

He stumbled into my apartment and continued. “Yeah, met her on the train. She’s really sweet…”

I was too tired and confused to listen to his latest conquest. I went back to bed and returned to my English winter while he made himself coffee and then left.

Two hours later, my alarm went off. I got up, had a big breakfast and then set off to Thong Lor to teach my student who believed that Australia was part of Europe.

I took the subway to Sukhamvit, changed to the skytrain and rode it two stops to Thong Lor and then had a pleasant stroll to the school. Thong Lor is one of the few streets in Bangkok which is actually nice to walk along. For a start, it actually has clean pavements (or sidewalks, if you prefer them) that are worth walking along and blissfully motorbike free. There are also quite a few trees to provide shade.

When I was halfway to the school, I received a phone call to tell me that my student had called in sick but that they would pay me for the first hour anyway. I went shopping instead.

One of the nice things about Thailand, I mused agreeably, is that you can get paid for simply having a nice morning…

18 February
The last four days, I have been at Koh Samet with Mina. We had a wonderful time. Four blissful days of white sands, warms seas, hot sun and good food. There were even half decent waves to bodysurf.

We stayed in a lovely little rustic “village” consisting of three wooden hobbit like huts set around a miniature village green with streams and even a small waterfall. It was a fantastic place. All the furnishings inside were made of beach driftwood, doors were two halves of ancient tree trunks, weathered from months spent floating around in the sea. It was, however, an extremely comfortable place with a flushing toilet and hot shower. The wooden thatched roof meant that it was pleasantly cool compared to most modern Thai bungalows.

Warning sign on Koh Samet

13 February
Today I got up early and caught the skytrain to Thong Lor. I had a new class at my school.

My new “class” consisted of one girl. She was 23 years old, tall, white skinned and beautiful. Her spoken English was very good and her written English was very bad. She told me that she liked watching movies and going shopping.

“Your accent is very good,” I encouraged. “Have you ever been abroad?”

She smiled and nodded which, among Asians, usually means that they don’t understand.

“Have you ever been to America?” I asked.

She shuddered. “Oh no! Too big. Dangerous!”

“Have you ever been to Australia?”

She shuddered again. “Oh no! I’ve never been to Europe! Don’t want to. Too big. Dangerous.”

After the lesson, I took the skytrain to Silom where I played table tennis with a middle aged Thai businessman who turned out to be an ex government official.

In the evening, I met up with Mina and we had dinner together. After, as we came out onto Silom Road, we saw an old beggar hobbling slowly and painfully along the pavement with the aid of a crooked walking stick.

“Ben! Look at that poor beggar!” said Mina. “I feel very sorry for him.”

Just then, another beggar who was crouching in a doorway called out jeeringly to the old man with the stick.

“Ho! So you’re walking bent over with a stick today! You’re clever huh? Guess you’ve made lots of money today hey?”

“What business is it of yours?” demanded the old man straightening upright and suddenly appearing much younger. “How about you? Got our arms back today, have we? Seems that yesterday when I saw you, you had your arms stuck inside your shirt and was pretending that you didn’t have any! Well, guess that trick didn’t work, huh?”

11 February
Today I awoke at 5.30am and went to teach at the temple school at Chachoengsao. I returned to Bangkok on the afternoon train. I had coffee and cakes with Mina and my friend Mark in my apartment. Mina wanted Mark to listen to the Backstreet Boys.

“They have a song “Incomplete”. Do you know it?” she asked.

Mark gulped his coffee and checked his watch. “No, I don’t know it. I have to go!” He stood up and I noticed that a glazed look had come over his face. “I said I’d meet Noi at five in Silom…and it’s nearly four o’clock now!”

“Mark! You must listen! I will play it from the internet…”

“Gotta go,” muttered Mark as he went out of the door. “Meeting her at five…”

Mina didn’t like men walking out on her. “Mark!” she called after him. “If you don’t stay and listen, I will tell Nong Noi that you had sex with her!”

But Mark had already gone.

2 February
Today I return to my diary after a weeks absence. My friend Mark from England has arrived and I have been busy. On the second day in Bangkok, he spotted a university student in a café and got Mina to ask for her mobile number. Since then, he has been going around with a slightly vacant, crazed and harassed look in his eye.

“Ben! Mina! I’m late! I said that I’d meet her at Siam at one thirty…and it’s now twelve! I haven’t got time for lunch…”

“Mark, I thought you agreed to come and meet my Harrow student’s mum. She’s expecting you. She wants to practice her English. Perhaps she’ll buy you a flat in Mayfair if you play your cards right…”

“Ben, I can’t!” His gaunt face wore a hunted expression. “I don’t know which shoes to wear with these trousers….these brown loafers or these trendy black ones….” His face suddenly brightened as a happy thought struck him.

“Ben! I’m gonna give her a good seeing to! She’s got a great figure….well, at least I think so. She was wearing this long baggy thing last time so I couldn’t really tell. But she definitely wasn’t thin. And she’s a good height….”

I left him to it and went to Pi Baby’s café for lunch. The Essex Boy was there with Mario the Italian. The Essex Boy was doing the talking and Mario was looking depressed.

“How’s long a piece of string? I can tell you. Exactly the same length if you cut it in the middle! I’m telling you, Mario! Wherever we are, wherever we find ourselves – we’ve arrived – in that exact spot!”

“Doesn’t make any difference,” said Mario glumly. “I just fed up with Thailand and Thai girls. Always spend, spend, spend my money. I tell you, it’s not cheap living here in Thailand…”

“Mario my man, if you’re STILL thinking those kinda thoughts then you’re obviously not drinking enough. You need to drink more and think less. Go out and get another bird. Have another beer, mate. Get some vitamins into you…”

“I need to make a phone call,” said Mario and stood up. He went out of the café into the street. The Essex Boy turned to me.

“Bloody ‘ell, Ben. Haven’t a sharp knife handy, have you? Cos think am gonna slit my throat. Talking to Mario always makes me feel so cheerful…”